Widow, 78, seeks mate

Widow, 78, seeks man to share life with and Tom's suggestions

Each year in early January, I often get emails from lonely singles similar to one that I received this week: "I was married for 45 years and am a widow of eight years.  I would love to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone who needs me as much as I need him. 

"I am attractive, slender and live in a country-club atmosphere that I dearly love. I am 78, in very good health, active and wanting to live again, but I don’t know how to go about it. 

"My women friends that my husband and I traveled with have husbands and not much time for me. I don’t know where to find “girlfriends”--someone to have lunch or go to a movie with. I hope you can give me some ideas."

Emails like hers break my heart. I wish I had a magic wand that could bring lonely older singles together. But, it's not that easy. For older singles to find a mate, they have to work at it.

Here is what I shared with her.

Tom's response: "It sounds like you are living again, by being active and enjoying your country-club atmosphere. You can live a great life without a man. Even if you meet a man, it's not always a picnic or walk in the park. But as is often the case with people in their 70s and 80s (even 50s and 60s), they get stuck in a rut and don't meet new people.

"Finding a mate for a woman age 78 is particularly difficult (not impossible), the primary reason is that at 78, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately six-to-one or more.

"I don't tell you this to discourage you, but only to make you realize that being alone at this age is not your fault, it's just the way it is.

"How can you improve your chances of meeting a potential mate?        By expanding your boundaries and circle of friends beyond the ones you shared with your husband and beyond your country-club atmosphere. (Don't give that part of your life up. Who knows? A man can become a widower unexpectedly.)

"I suggest you sign up for two of my mailing lists. One, this Friday newsletter, titled "On Life and Love After 50," that is read by about 1,000 people across the USA, including 200-300 here in Orange County, California, where you live. While the newsletter is not exclusively written about finding love later in life, that is most often the focus. But sometimes I write about other items pertaining to life as we age.

"The other mailing list is sent out to Southern Orange County singles announcing our Meet and Greet gatherings on the last Thursday each month at my Dana Point deli. You most likely won't find a male partner there, although you might. But it would be a great place to meet new women friends.

"About 12 couples have formed as a result of meeting there, including one guy, now 93, who is in a "serious relationship" with a woman in her early 70s. At first she kept saying, "We're just friends. And then one night she came in and said, "We're an item, no longer just friends." I didn't pry into why things had changed or ask for any of the gory details, I am just happy that there are two less lonely people in the world.

"Two other ideas. Go to www.Meetup.com, a website that lists all kinds of activities in Orange County (and all over the USA for that matter). You could find an activity or two that you enjoy and most certainly would make new friends, particularly women friends.

"Also, there are several senior centers in south OC that are quite active, the one in Mission Viejo comes to mind. New potential friends await you there as well.

"Of course, there is the Internet, particularly www.OurTime.com, which is for the older set. However, there are lots of scammers out there trying to prey on lonely older women so I would be very careful using the Internet to date at your age. Lots of complications. Protect your assets and don't by into any lies that will be spun by what appear to be men interested in you."

"Regardless of what activities you pursue, you can make new women friends, and perhaps meet a guy, but it will take an effort on your part. It takes time, energy, a little money, and enthusiasm, and you must evaluate whether all the effort is worth it. Whether or not you meet a man, I can't say, but you will be enriching your life. Focus on finding the women friends, and then let life flow after that.

"Let us know what you decide."

Importance of getting out of the house and meeting new people

Importance of getting out of the house and meeting new people

Four Champs who inspire me

Happy 2014. One of our recurrent themes is the importance for older singles to get out of the house and involved in activities that interest them.

Sometimes, doing so leads to meeting a significant other and other times it doesn't. Regardless, what getting out and involved does is enrich one's life. It makes one a more educated, more interesting and a happier person. When singles do that, they develop new friends and appreciate life more than when sitting around and getting bored.

An example of our Champs getting out of the house and enriching their lives was demonstrated to me personally this past Monday afternoon when Champs Linda and Jackie, from Dayton, Ohio, and Xania, Ohio, respectively, popped into Tutor and Spunky's, my Dana Point, California, deli to meet me.

They hadn't arrived in Southern California by airplane or train. Rather, they arrived with Linda driving an RV and Jackie following behind her in her car. They had been traveling since Thanksgiving, stopping at places like the Arch in St. Louis (it was 10 degrees when they went up in it) and sites of interest in Arizona and New Mexico.

How it works for them: They locate an RV park (electricity required) and park the RV and live out of it like a hotel. Then, they do local sightseeing in Jackie's car.

They were on their way to an RV park in Santa Barbara, California, a couple of hours northwest of Los Angeles, to spend the winter. To help defer their costs, they are trading their time working at a nature preserve in exchange for complimentary parking of the RV.

We shared bowls of soup and chili while getting to know each other. They were thrilled with the culture and places they had seen so far. Both were rested and enthusiastic. Meeting them brightened my day.

Traveling by RV is no cake walk. They had blown a tire entering San Clemente and had to have it fixed at a tire store.

This summer, Linda parked her RV in the mountains of Colorado (Jackie was not along on this trip). When Linda needs some extra cash, she drives semi-trailer trucks to earn spending money.

                                                              Jackie  - Tom - Linda

Linda and Jackie inspired me. They are living life to the fullest--without men. I'm not sure any men their age could keep up with them. I am proud to have them as part of our Champs corps.

 
Part 2 - Other Champs who inspire me

Chris is in his late 70s. For years, he has been a dance host on cruise ships. A few years ago while on a cruise, he met Tina, from England, and they have been in a long-distance relationship ever since, while both maintaining residences in their respective countries. Chris just sent an email that he and Tina are off on another adventure for several weeks. No sitting around the house for him.

Carlene went through a divorce last year and moved to a new city. She wrote, "I found a church and two places to volunteer--within three days of being here. Knew I'd get the grumpies if I didn't find something to keep me busy.

"Then, I found out what activities are going on in the area--too many--and set out to pick what I liked and wanted to do. No decision was made to "meet a man" at anything I wanted to do.

"I have done more things in the past nine months than some people who have lived here for 30 years! Have made new women friends along the way and some nice men too. One man knew where I would be on Christmas Eve; he surprised me by coming to the Christmas Eve service--suit and tie--and asked me to sit with him.

"I expanded my 'borders' to include towns 15-50 miles away. Every time I get together with folks I hang out with, my first question is, "Where have you been and what's new and exciting that we should try?

" My involvement in my local communities has led to a part-time job I would never have imagined. I love it. It keeps me out of trouble and I am making more new friends in a community 13 miles from home.

"I spent Christmas alone--yes--a personal choice--a day of reflection-- and then on to the next adventure."

Kudos to the four of our Champs featured in today's article, who keep life interesting, and are an inspiration to me.

Married couples also need space

Married couples also need space - by Tom Blake 2013

Last week, two couples in their 70s had lunch at Tutor and Spunky's, my Dana Point, California deli. They appeared to be having a good time and enjoying themselves. When they left, one of the men lagged behind and said, "Don't you write that dating column?" I smiled and said yes.

He said he had been married 40 years and had retired a year ago. He said he didn't properly prepare for retirement and was around the house nearly all of the time. "My wife and I are driving each other crazy," he said.

And then he added, "I've got to do something that will get me out of house."

I said, "That would be a good idea. You wouldn't want to jeopardize the marriage after all of these years."

His wife poked her head back in the door and said sternly, "Harry, we're waiting for you, let's go." He looked at me and said, "See what I mean, even that bugs me."

Not an hour later, another older gentleman named Tom said, "I like reading your dating column in the newspaper, even though I've been married to my Julie for 50 years. I've been retired 20 years. Our marriage is the best it's ever been."

I said, "Tom, how do you and Julie keep your relationship so fresh?" I told him about the comments Harry had made an hour before.

Tom said that he and Julie are both very involved in outside activities. He volunteers at the Cabrillo Playhouse in San Juan Capistrano and at Habitat For Humanity. Julie volunteers at their church and is an avid quilter.

Tom said, "For a marriage to last, there are times when you need space, to be away from each other. There is nothing negative about that."

Tom's comment made me think about couples who meet later in life and say to me they either want to be or are together 24/7. That makes me shudder. That's just not going to work. They are going to smother each other and then part ways. Everybody needs space, particularly as we get older.

Carol wrote, "Every self-help book written tells us to have a life of our own, and I thank the heavens I have followed this advice."

Yvonne shed light on why married couples may be together at home so much:  

"Fewer people attend church or temple. Fewer people socialize in other ways, like the old bowling leagues of the 1950s, for instance. Fewer people even go out to go to the movies, instead preferring to watch at home on DVD. Our homes have become so comfortable that people venture out less than they used to. If we're retired, we may not be out and about in the world as much as we were when we were still working."

There is a pretty simple lesson in today's newsletter that applies to all couples--married or otherwise, and to single people as well. To be an interesting person, each person needs to have individual interests that keep them occupied. We've all got to take a break away from each other on a regular basis, and then, when we do spend time together,  we will appreciate each other more.

Space can be nearly as precious to a relationship as time spent together.

Why dating after 50 is difficult

Why dating after 50 is difficult

About 14 years ago, I was sitting in a chair on the set of the Today show, at the NBC studios in New York City, waiting for Matt Lauer to appear to interview me. Out the window, I could see a few hundred people in Rockefeller Center, waiving signs and placards. I was nervous; the show was being broadcast across the country.

When Matt sat down across from me, he said, "Why is dating after 50 so difficult?"

I smiled, hesitated and said, "Some of us haven't had a date in 30 years. We're out of practice."

Of course, there were a lot more answers to Matt's question than that one. But I had been briefed by the show's producers to keep my answers short and to follow Matt's leads.

During the course of the four-minute interview, I attempted to provide the five main reasons that make dating after 50 so difficult. After the Today show appearance, I published a book titled, "Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do.' Chapter One answers Matt Lauer's question.
People often contact me now with the same "Why is dating difficult" question, but they tack on to it, "after ages 60, 70 and beyond."

I referred to Chapter One of the book to prepare today's newsletter, with a little updating of course, to reflect the added years. Now, dating later in life is even more difficult. Here's why:

1.  We aren't prepared

After a long-term marriage or relationship, perhaps 30+ years, our spouse or significant other is gone. We had been preparing to spend our retirement years together. We had not been preparing to date again. But now, that's what we're faced with, and we don't know how to begin, where to go, or what to do. It's perplexing, daunting and scary.

2.  There aren't places to go where there are relatively even numbers of single men and women in our age range

One night a month, Tutor and Spunky's, my Dana Point, California, deli, sponsors a Meet and Greet gathering for singles age 50+ and beyond, in some cases far beyond (my good friend Dave is 92, and met a new love there and is very happy). The ratio is often four or five to one, women to men. Some new women walk in, see the excess of women, and start complaining about the lack of men. But the attendance at our event isn't much different than similar events held across the country. There just aren't places to go where the ratios are more favorable.

3. More on the dreaded ratio of women-to-men
It is a fact of life, according to the census statistics, that as we hit 60 and 70, the number of available single men decreases significantly. What can women do to overcome the lack of single men?

The best answer I've ever heard to that question came from Dr. Ruth Westheimer at an AARP convention. She said, "The ratio is a fact of life, you can't change it. However, if you put your mine to having a nice appearance, and an openness to meeting new people, and a willingness to do social things, and you're positive, you can effectively reduce the ratio."
Then she added, "Commit to having a good life, with or without a man."

4. We've aged

On the above mentioned Today show, I explained to Matt that age made dating more difficult compared to our younger years. That was 14+ years ago. Now, age is even more of a factor.  Hell, we don't have the energy we had before--and dating takes energy (and time and money). We've added wrinkles and wear and tear to our bodies. Last week, I was watching the Today show. Matt Lauer has aged just like the rest of us.

Some older singles go to bed early. The last thing they want is to be out on a date at 9 p.m. seeking love. For many, it's easier and less complicated to be curled up and reading a book at home. They may have to change their sleeping patterns or schedule their dates during the day if they choose to keep dating.

5. Compatibility--difficult to find

Robin, a friend of mine, said, "I'm finding it difficult to meet someone who doesn't have a lot of insecurities and fears in their later years. I can't seem to reassure them that I am not after their money or possessions. It's so frustrating."

As we age, we are more set in our ways. We know what we want and what works for us. We're not going to accept someone to share our life who doesn't measure up. The pool of available compatible people shrinks with each passing year.

So, yes, dating after 50, 60, and 70+ is difficult. But not impossible. At the deli Meet and Greets, one of the reasons there are so few men is that women keep capturing them and taking them away. These men tend not to come back. Why? I've asked some of them that I've seen at Costco or the hardware store.

"My new partner doesn't want me to attend anymore," is usually the gist of what they say. I wink at them and add, "Perhaps she's afraid you'll meet someone else." They smile and give me a thumbs up.


But, don't let the dreaded ratio or your age stop you from getting out and about. There's a lot of life to live--with or without a man. 

Major developments in 2 missing persons cases

Major Developments in 2 missing persons cases

For nearly four years, there having been two, unrelated, cases of missing persons that have affected me. One--the McStay family case--was pretty close to home and personal. The other, the disappearance of Dana Point, California, yacht broker Ed Fitzgerald, with an estimated three million dollars of  money belonging to others, was more of a business-related situation, albeit one that indirectly involved me.

Both of these cases I wrote about in this newsletter--separately--between three and four years ago. There were many times during the four years when I wondered if the missing people in either case would ever be located. Now, they all have been found.

When national media outlets broke the grim news last Friday about finding the remains of the missing McStay family, many Champs contacted me, expressing condolences, which I appreciated. I promised them that I would provide updates on both cases today.

Last Friday was a difficult day for the thousands of people around the world who have followed the story of the missing McStay family, primarily on the Find the McStay family facebook page https://www.facebook.com/groups/324645994165/ and the McStayfamily.org website. For me, it's difficult to express my thoughts on this case. But, if someone who knows someone who knows anything about what happened to the McStays, it could lead to finding the killers. 

In the late 1980s, and early 1990s, I helped raise two stepsons--Joey and Mikey McStay. Their mother Susan and I were married for six years.

On February 4, 2010, Joey, his wife Summer, and their two children, ages 4 and 3, disappeared from their North San Diego County home. They left food on the table, their beloved dogs behind, and $80,000 in the bank, so it didn't appear they left voluntarily.

However, four days later their car was found parked in a shopping center near the Mexican border. People speculated that they had left on their own. After almost three years of investigating the case, the San Diego Sheriff's department decided that's what had happened and dropped the investigation--they felt it was strictly a missing persons case.

National media featured the disappearance, including America's Most Wanted and other national shows. I wrote about the case, hoping someone might have seen the family of four.

Almost every day since, I kept hoping that I would hear the news or Joey would call me saying they were safe.  

Last Thursday night, I received a phone call from Mikey; I could tell by the sound of his voice that the news wasn't good. He said, "They're all gone." I couldn't process his words. I kept asking, "Are you sure?"

Earlier in the week, an off-road motorcyclist had noticed human bones in the San Bernardino desert near Victorville, California. He notified authorities, who found the McStay family remains in two shallow graves.

A press conference was held last Friday morning at the San Bernardino sheriff's office. The conference was broadcast across the nation. To see my former wife, Susan, and her son, Mikey, in such a state of grief tore my heart apart.

I muddled through the rest of the day unable to process the news, unable to comprehend such a terrible act. It seemed every time I turned on the radio, or the TV, or the Internet, the news regarding the discovery of the McStay family remains was featured.

Reality struck Friday at about 3:30 p.m. for me. I was pulling into a shopping center in Dana Point to have my cell phone inspected at the A.T.& T store there. On radio station KNX, Los Angeles, Scott Pelley of the CBS national evening TV news was doing a promo for his show that night. The entire two minutes was devoted to the McStay family. I thought to myself, "Oh my God, I was in this shopping center at least 25 times with Joey when we lived together." It was surreal.

Yes, I have spoken to Susan. She said, "I am numb. I never imagined this outcome. I never gave up hope. Now, there's a new focus on the case." She's a brave woman.

The case is now being investigated as a homicide by the San Bernardino sheriff and the FBI. Let's hope whoever murdered this family is brought to justice.

Missing persons case #2

Of much lesser importance to me, is the case of former yacht broker Ed Fitzgerald. He was arrested six months ago in Florida. He's been in an Orange County, California, jail since. On Tuesday, I attended the first pre-trial hearing at the courthouse in Newport Beach.

He was a deli customer of mine. When he disappeared in July, 2009, he left a trail of broken dreams and wallets. It was alleged that he owed nearly $3 million to friends and associates, many of whom I know. As a local columnist, I felt it was my duty to write an ebook about his disappearance.Dana Point Yacht Ponzi. The Ed Fitzgerald Scandal Fitzgerald Scandal.

Tuesday, when I met the prosecuting deputy District Attorney, he said, "I read your book."

From the sounds of the testimony from the first few victims, I would speculate that he will be sentenced to several years in prison.

It is ironic that after nearly four years, both of these cases are coming to a close, and had major milestones within a week of each other.

Enabling kids can damage your relationship

Last week, we touched on the subject of how children can negatively affect adult relationships. One of the responses came from Lucy (not her real name). When I first read her email, I wondered why she stays with her partner. You probably will wonder also after you read it. When I asked her that question, her answer helped me understand why. But first, her email:

Lucy wrote, "I have just become domestic partners with my live-in boyfriend of six years. I wasn't sure we would make it this far in the relationship due to the co-dependent relationship he has with his three grown children. Anything they ask for they get, almost without exception."

Point of clarification: In California, where Lucy lives, "domestic partner" is a legal designation that can provide some benefits to people living together without being married.

Lucy continued, "One example is that we are probably going to have to sell our home, the home we planned on retiring in, because when his daughter needed money for college she did not want to get student loans so he borrowed the money and gave it to her. We are now in debt to the point where we will most likely lose our home. I can understand helping your children pay for college but he is a high school teacher and I am employed part time. 

"His 23-year-old son lives with us three days a week. He lives with his girlfriend four days a week 70 miles away. He lives with us because he likes the community college up here. He is only taking two classes and we pay for everything. His food, gas while he is here, medical etc. He is even driving one of our cars. Yesterday, he came to us and asked us to give him money for when he visits his girlfriend! I suggested, gently, that he look for a community college closer to his primary residence and his dad suggested he get a job since he is only going to school part time. His response, I don't want to. The outcome, my domestic partner is giving him 50 dollars a month. 

"We have had one of his daughters spoil a vacation that we were on in Mendocino (a small city on the Northern California coast) by telling us, after only one day, that we had to drive her back because she had missed so many classes she was going to flunk her Italian class if she wasn't there the next day. No mention of this when we planned the vacation. Why she even came is beyond me. And yes, after a big argument we drove her back. She has forced us to cancel family dinners in other cities because she suddenly remembers other plans. And he always does what she asks.

"He has cancelled dates to give his kids rides places at the last minute, His children have used our credit cards fraudulently. He once asked me to let his daughter throw a party at our house when I had pneumonia and strep. I said no. 

"I know he loves his children and luckily only the one lives with us now, and that is only part time. So it has become easier. I like his children as people but he and his ex have raised them to be spoiled. I blame them not the kids. I have to admit that it seems to be getting a little better but I do not feel comfortable giving him money when I know it just goes straight to his kids.

"So, I am torn. I have a considerable amount saved up that I could put down on the mortgage, which is still only in his name. But I won't as long as he won't tell his kids no."

A few days ago, she wrote: "I am at dinner with his daughter where she is asking him to pay her sorority dues of 350 dollars a semester and buy her a car for college. She goes to school in San Francisco. The city with the best public transportation in California. I should know, I went to college here

I responded, "Why did you enter into a legal domestic partnership when there are the issues you describe? You must really love him. It must bug you that his co-dependency with the kids goes on as you described." 

She said, " I am in love with him and he says he wants to take care of me. Plus, I need his medical. I have two heart conditions and have had two breast cancer scares in the last two years. When you have no medical they tell you to go home and wait for six months to see if it grows. If you have medical, they do a biopsy. That is the truth in our country. 

"The first lump I had medical and they did a biopsy the next day. The last one, a month ago, they found a lump and a shadow on my Xray and sent me home."

I suggested: "Don't start dipping into your savings. You might lose it. I know of relationships where that has happened."

When parents continuously enable their kids, it doesn't teach them to be on their own. And that can put stress on a relationship.

Kids and grand kids: Are they ruining your relationships

In going through previous newsletters, I came upon this situation regarding how children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren can affect a relationship. I mention this because lately, I’ve been hearing stories on how children are making life difficult for older singles wanting to have relationships, and possibly remarry.

A woman who was raising her great granddaughter wanted to know why men wouldn’t date her.

A Champ named John shed light on her question: “I was in a long-term relationship with a grandma. I had known her in high school and met her years later at a class reunion after we were both divorced. She lived three hours away, but we managed to see each other every other weekend. 

“The attributes (compassion, caring and duty to others) that drew me to her eventually killed the relationship because of her grandchildren. 

“Her son and daughter-in-law had four children over the period of seven years. They were terrible parents. Out of compassion for the children, my friend became more and more their parent. The daughter-in-law didn't work, but my friend did and took much better care of the kids. She stopped there almost every night after work and eventually three of them were with her every weekend. 

“I didn't mind playing with the kids and helping to care for them, but eventually I felt squeezed out of my friend's attention. I lost the motivation to drive the 3 hours and eventually broke up with her. It hurt both of us.

“She was probably doing the right thing for the kids given the awful situation they were in, but it left no room for a relationship. If things had been reversed, I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same. If things had been different, we probably would be married today. 

“We all make choices that have positive and negative consequences - like two sides of a coin. Her love and caring for her granddaughter will be rewarded, but unfortunately she will probably not find a man who wants a close relationship.”

Keep this story in mind when mixing your offspring in with your relationship.