Overcoming Adversity: no easy task, but necessary

As a columnist, and a deli owner, I hear about adversity that happens to people ages 50 to 90 nearly everyday. Some of the news is pretty brutal. People lose their spouses and loved ones to divorce and death. People lose their jobs and their homes. People develop health issues. These things are a part of life and growing old. My heart aches for them.

When adversity hits us personally, it can be a huge downer. Almost more than we can stand. But somewhere in the darkness, sooner or later, a flicker of light will appear. And it's up to us to seek that light and gather the strength to go on and not give up hope. Easier said than done, I realize. And it may take a long time to get through the grief before we are able to move forward.

Champ Dee wrote, "Your articles have gotten me through a very difficult time in my life. I left a marriage after 37 years of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. I tried so hard to make it work. Since I left my husband 18 months ago, I have never dated so much in my life. I have met many men, but they were not for me.

"In July, I had a 'coffee date' with someone I met on Zoozk. He is wonderful, fun, and so many other things my husband never was. We laugh and talk for hours and I feel so lucky to be with him. Please tell all the ladies out there not to give up. You never know where life may lead you."

Dee went through 37 years of hell and finally was able to do something about it. Eighteen months later, her life has a whole new sparkle to it.

In another situation, Champ Glen emailed, "I had been in a 23+ year marriage when my ex suddenly decided to file for divorce. Although it came as a huge shock to me and all or our friends, I still held out hope that she might come back.

"I went to counseling and did my best to try and understand what was going on and how I would move forward at age 51. I can't tell you when it happened, but I slowly began to understand that I needed to take charge and make a new life for myself. It took 39 months to complete my divorce, despite the fact that there were no complicated issues.

"During that time period, I met the absolute love of my life. Thanks for putting out a newsletter that helps the majority make sense of the sometimes complicated world of dating after 50."

A third situation. I have known Linda for close to a quarter of a century. Soon after I opened my Dana Point, California, deli, in 1988, Linda and her husband, Joe, would come in for sandwiches. They owned a produce brokerage business with an office just down the street. I recall delivering sandwiches there a few times.

I was impressed with them as a couple: smart, fun, friendly and handsome. Over the years, I lost track of them.

A few weeks ago, I saw Linda at the deli. We had a chance to catch up. She said her life had been a bit difficult recently. I was stunned when she told me Joe had suddenly passed away four years ago at age 63. On top of that, she was raising a granddaughter part of the time, sharing that task with her sister. She had moved to a city a half hour away.

Three years after losing Joe, Linda started to realize that she had to take initiative to change her life. Six months ago, she met Pete, a widower, on Match.com and they became a couple. The only catch: Pete lives in Washington state, so getting together is a challenge. She said he was a writer and was researching getting some things published.

She telephoned him that morning and I got a chance to speak a few words to him, sharing some of my publishing experiences and establishing a common bond.

This past Monday, Pete was visiting Linda and they came into the deli for lunch. I asked him what it was about Linda that made him single her out among the many women on Match.com. He said her profile touched him, that her description revealed an inner beauty that seemed compatible with the inner feelings he possessed. Perhaps both being widowed facilitated the connection.

He travels to California on business often and now has an added reason to come here. Linda has visited him in Washington on many occasions as well.

In March, they are going to Chile together, visiting the Patagonia area in the south of the country and the high desert area in the north, as well as spending some time in Valparaiso and Santiago.

They promised they would share their Chilean experiences with my partner, Greta, and me, over dinner when they return.

On occasion, I've been a little harsh on Internet dating for the after 50 set because of the flakes and scammers that lurke on it. But, it can bring people together who would have never otherwise met.


Whether we use the Internet to help us overcome adversity--or decide on some other action--it's up to us to muster that flicker of hope to find our new direction. Again, easier said than done.

Travel: Woman who does not like to travel wonders if she is strange

A woman asks: Am I strange for not wanting to travel?

Kathy from Kingman emailed, "I don't like to travel, even small day trips. Just about everyone on the dating sites talks about how they love to travel or would love to.

"I have always had problems with travel, car sickness, elevation sickness, I get Vertigo at odd times, so driving alone can be a challenge, I have a few other physical issues and sleeping on a bed that hundreds of others have slept and left all their epithelium and bodily fluids behind I think is degusting.

"Plus I don’t eat out at all, I have a lot of food allergies and most places have no idea what goes into their food mostly if it’s processed. I had a very nice cab-over-camper that helped with that but I just don’t have any urge to go, I can watch it all on TV in a nice climate- controlled home. Plus I work all the time, I did take a day off about three months ago, I have grand kids in Rancho Cucamonga, so I drive four hours out, spend about four hours with them and then drive back.

"One thing I find odd is that I always have to explain myself to others. Because I’m not like the majority (who love to travel or live to travel) I’m treated like some kind of freak… that’s why I’m asking you, with all your readers, am I the only person in the world that does not want to go anywhere?"

My response: The reason so many people like to travel is it broadens their horizons and enriches their lives. Travel is educational and fun. Getting away from the daily routine helps us recharge our batteries. Travel gives us an appreciation for people who live in other cities and foreign countries.

I recall a day trip my life partner Greta and I took out of Sydney, Australia, to the Blue Mountains, where the people on the small tour bus were from six different countries. It seemed by the end of the day we were all pals and it didn't matter where we were from. Here is what I wrote on my TravelAfter55.com website about that day trip:

"Our group of 20 was an eclectic mix of international travelers. Besides the five of us who walked on a rugged hike (two from the USA, two London, one Australia) there were three from Brisbane, Australia, two from Korea, four from Ireland, four from China, and two more from London.

"As we rode back on the bus, Greta and I paused to think how wonderful the world can be when its international inhabitants live in peace. Travel breaks down barriers and creates friendships despite language, religious and political differences."

Greta and I try to travel as much as we can at our age, while we are both healthy enough to do so and while we can afford to do so financially.

Most people on dating sites are looking for someone who wants to travel because traveling is more enjoyable with someone and usually less expensive.

It's cheaper for each individual when two people are splitting the cost of gas, rental cars, hotels and cruise ship staterooms, just to name a few expense items that can be split.

Back to Kathy's question: Is she the only one in the world who doesn't want to go anywhere? Of course not.

I was speaking to a college friend this week who is retired and lives in Bethlehem, Pa. He loves to travel. His wife no longer wants to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. So, last year, he and his son went to Europe together for a couple of weeks.

Some people think foreign travel is too risky. Travel can be dangerous. Look at the security around the Sochi, Russia, Winter Olympics, beginning today. There is great concern that extremists will try to disrupt the games. But life at home can be dangerous as well. Look at what happened at the Boston Marathon last year or the shootings that have rocked our own country recently.

Some people don't travel for health reasons, and others for financial reasons. And others, similar to Kathy, prefer sticking around home.

For Kathy, finding a compatible mate will be difficult, not only because she doesn't want to travel, but because she has other principles by which she lives. She doesn't want to sleep in hotel beds, she doesn't dine out, she has other health issues and she works "all of the time" (one day off in three months). Those idiosyncrasies leave little room for a man.

Should people with interests similar to Kathy be judged as freaks? Heavens no. What she does is her business.

How do you feel about travel?

Check out my blogs on my http://www.TravelAfter55.com website. 

More on dating people who love animals

More on dating people who love animals

I have never had a newsletter where more men than women responded until last week's column about dating women who have horses, although, some of the male responses were brief. As often happens with responses, they morph into other issues. Dogs and chemistry got dragged into responses from last week.

I believe that people who love animals generally have big, giving hearts.

Antoinette took issue with Bruce's tight pants remarks and rode him hard: "A comment on the man who dated horsewomen because of their tight pants. If a man wants to ogle over a woman instead of looking at her as a person he would want to get to know, then he can shovel the crap, because he's sending the message that he's crap and he's not looking at her character. 

"It's funny how 'respect' never comes up when people are searching for someone. It's always 'attraction' or chemistry,' and those don't last. It only presents an opening, but doesn't carry a relationship."
 

And now comments from men:

Curt, "Horses are first, second and third priority with women. A relationship is somewhere down the line."

Joel, "Many women I have met have sublimated their love into a dog or (yuck!) many dogs. The result is they have no room for a man in their head, bed or heart, but they THINK they do, so they move sequentially through temporary relationships.

"Like smokers who can't smell themselves, they are oblivious. They talk to and through their dogs. They sleep with one or more; the dog dominates their schedule and conversation. I get it. Dogs are more loyal than men and easier to deal with. When I see a profile with more than one dog picture, I click next."

Terry, the funny plumber, who rides elephants, not horses, with his Thai wife in Thailand and Burma said, "Your story brings new meaning to the question: "Do you want to horse around?"

Carmen, my buddy from high school, commented: "Dating women who own dogs is a more relevant topic. I've learned my lesson." (That sounds like another potential animal-related topic although he didn't elaborate).

Larry, "I have met two women online who trained horses. We never met because their schedules revolved around the horses. The schedules were typically seven days a week!"

Mark, Palm Springs, "I wish I were Mr. Ed!!!"

Marta and Bernie, married couple from Montreal, said, "This newsletter cracked us up. Bernie's former wife bought two horses without telling him, a $10,000 expenditure, not to mention the $1200 monthly fee for boarding the. She then went bankrupt without telling him, just leaving him legally responsible for the whole mess, paying for one dead horse and the bills for the live one, long after the marriage had ended.

"She cried nonstop for three months when the first horse died, prompting Bernie to say to her, 'You'd like me better if I had four legs."

Helen, Arizona, "Hilarious article re: horses and their women. How about women who love their dogs? I personally couldn't have a guy who didn't love dogs; horses would be a plus. It takes all kinds, eh?"

Suzon (proper spelling) pointed out that it's not just women who are tied up with their horses: "I live in a small rural community. I have a girlfriend who raises horses. After my husband passed away, she insisted I join a dating site. I came across several cowboys that interested me. My girlfriend said, 'Oh no, you don't want a cowboy. They talk more to their horses than the women in their lives.' I dated several, and she was dead on. They had little time for me, but all the time in the world for their horses."

Lisa, "I am a horse owner, and I have to tell you there are all kinds. The woman who was described is a HORSE-SHOW person. They devote most of their time to practicing, and then participating in competitions. Very time-consuming and expensive. If you're with one of these women, I'd compare it to being a golf or sports widow.

"Then there are gals like me: I trail ride. I love getting out into nature with my horse and a friend or two and enjoy the seasons and wild animals that riding in Griffith Park (Los Angeles) has to offer.

"I long to find a man to share this enjoyment with, but in the meantime, I have girlfriends that share my interest.

"If a man is not interested in horses, it's not a problem as long as he understands that I am responsible for my horse's well-being, which includes exercise. Sometimes it's better when two people have different interests because they can each enjoy their own activities and friends, and then they have something to talk about when they get together."

So that's it, Champs, enough horse chatter, it's time to leave the horses in the barn. I love all animals, including horses--they are magnificent animals. And I especially love dogs.

At issue here, however, is when meeting someone you'd like to date or have a relationship with, who is into his or her animals, can that person devote enough time to you and place you high enough on the priority list that you will be happy with the arrangement? 

That's a topic that needs to be discussed between two adults early-on to establish understanding and harmony as they ride off into the sunset. And that's the nuts, bolts, and oats of the story.  

WomanSage Salon Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Woman Sage Events in mid-Orange County California I have accepted an invitation to participate on a panel on Tuesday, February 11, 2014, at the Woman Sage Salon, discussing dating, the importance of having friends, and other topics important to mature women. The Salon meeting location is in mid-Orange County, California, in the Center Club, near the Performing Arts Center. The time is 5:00 p.m. until 8:30 p.m. WHAT IS THE 'SALON'? The WomanSage Salons are monthly events, featuring lectures by local authors, discussion groups and a delicious dinner, where women come together to make new friends and in addition feel the satisfaction of contributing to the WomanSage Cares philanthropies. The Salon is also the perfect networking environment for business women to discover new contacts and promote their business!  A table is provided for business cards or printed materials to share with our attendees.  All are invited. To make reservations for the event and for directions: WomanSage.org

Dating women who have horses

A couple of weeks ago, in early January, 2014, I received an email from Gail that puzzled me. She wrote, "I think your comments regarding dating women with horses are quite unfair. Those of us with horses enjoy male company as much as our horses. Your friend seemed to have really met a loser who took advantage of him. Please don't stereotype us (horsewomen) all together. If a guy offers to take part with us it's really a plus."

My initial reaction was, "What the hell is Gail talking about?" And then it slowly donned on me. Fifteen years ago, or so, I wrote a newspaper column titled, "Avoid Single Women Who Love Horses." It's buried somewhere deep within my Finding Love After 50 website. I decided to share that column with you. Remember, it was written 15 years ago. 

Avoid Single Women Who Love Horses

I've often recommended to older singles that before launching themselves back into the dating scene, they should make a list of the qualities they seek in a mate.

The list need not be long, just honest. Qualities might include: trustworthiness, kindness, respect, affection--traits like that.

We might even include qualities to avoid--a person who is selfish, argumentative, drinks too much or who has too much dating baggage.

My friend Bruce in Laguna Beach, Calif., suggests another quality men might want to avoid: Women who are into horses.

Whoa, you shout. What's that all about?

Bruce speaks from experience. He says, "I've been involved with two women who would rather spend time with and/or give more consideration to their horses than a prospective relationship."

He added that he had just met a third women who hangs out with horses; he immediately galloped away from her. I suggested that he may be looking for love in the wrong place-around the stables-and might be better off seeking women in bookstores or in the produce section of his local supermarket.

I asked him what the problem was. Bruce explained: "Because the elite of these women look EXTREMELY good in those tight riding pants (like the one in the Anthony Quinn, Kevin Costner movie 'Revenge,') many of us guys will tag along into our new job as groomer, poop-shoveler, horse-truck driver (sometimes at our own expense) and only the Great Spirit knows whatever else."

Bruce related an experience with a horse woman. "I assisted a voluptuous lovely in delivering her horse to Winchester/Rancho, California, for a week-end 'seminar' in hunting and jumping. When Saturday was over, she asked me to spend the night in her motel room because 'the drive home was too long.' Later, the wide brim of her hat knocked out one of my contact lenses while dancing at a cowboy bar."

And then, the plot back at the motel thickened: "Guess what she did when she emerged from the shower and sat on the bed wrapped in a towel?" I was all ears.

Bruce said, "She telephoned her husband."

I covered my mouth in shock as Bruce continued the story. "She told her husband where she was, that she'd be spending the night, and yes, that I was still with her. My expectations for the evening changed in a hurry. I muttered to myself, 'Why don't you just tell hubby what my name is, what hotel room we're in, etc.'"

Bruce added, "It turns out the marriage was an arranged one for her residency status. Nevertheless, her horse took priority over any guy."

Bruce capped off his reasons for avoiding women who love horses. "I knew a lady who was still making payments on a DEAD horse. Some would rather ride a horse under any scenario than be with a lively guy."

We all are saddled with dating baggage, in one form or another.

So guys, when making your list, you might add: "Avoid women with horses--whether they're single women or not."

That column was completely tongue-in-cheek. But oh my, did I get a lot of flak back then from the women who have their horses at stables in San Juan Capistrano, California. They even boycotted my column for a while.

I responded to Gail, (who even has the word horse in her email address): "I wrote that column 15 years ago; I'm surprised you even found it on the internet. But Gail, I've mellowed. I've softened my position regarding dating women who own horses.

Why? I own Tutor and Spunky's deli in Dana Point, California, and recently hired a woman who owns horses. She's lovely, and a very nice person. And while there are days when she has to leave the deli early to go feed her horses, I think men would enjoy dating her. So, I've changed my tune to this: men should not avoid dating women who own horses, but they should not get the wrong idea when the woman suggests they go have a roll in the hay.

It amazes me what people can dredge up on the Internet. Here is a link to http://www.FindingLoveAfter50.com. 

Widow, 78, seeks mate

Widow, 78, seeks man to share life with and Tom's suggestions

Each year in early January, I often get emails from lonely singles similar to one that I received this week: "I was married for 45 years and am a widow of eight years.  I would love to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone who needs me as much as I need him. 

"I am attractive, slender and live in a country-club atmosphere that I dearly love. I am 78, in very good health, active and wanting to live again, but I don’t know how to go about it. 

"My women friends that my husband and I traveled with have husbands and not much time for me. I don’t know where to find “girlfriends”--someone to have lunch or go to a movie with. I hope you can give me some ideas."

Emails like hers break my heart. I wish I had a magic wand that could bring lonely older singles together. But, it's not that easy. For older singles to find a mate, they have to work at it.

Here is what I shared with her.

Tom's response: "It sounds like you are living again, by being active and enjoying your country-club atmosphere. You can live a great life without a man. Even if you meet a man, it's not always a picnic or walk in the park. But as is often the case with people in their 70s and 80s (even 50s and 60s), they get stuck in a rut and don't meet new people.

"Finding a mate for a woman age 78 is particularly difficult (not impossible), the primary reason is that at 78, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately six-to-one or more.

"I don't tell you this to discourage you, but only to make you realize that being alone at this age is not your fault, it's just the way it is.

"How can you improve your chances of meeting a potential mate?        By expanding your boundaries and circle of friends beyond the ones you shared with your husband and beyond your country-club atmosphere. (Don't give that part of your life up. Who knows? A man can become a widower unexpectedly.)

"I suggest you sign up for two of my mailing lists. One, this Friday newsletter, titled "On Life and Love After 50," that is read by about 1,000 people across the USA, including 200-300 here in Orange County, California, where you live. While the newsletter is not exclusively written about finding love later in life, that is most often the focus. But sometimes I write about other items pertaining to life as we age.

"The other mailing list is sent out to Southern Orange County singles announcing our Meet and Greet gatherings on the last Thursday each month at my Dana Point deli. You most likely won't find a male partner there, although you might. But it would be a great place to meet new women friends.

"About 12 couples have formed as a result of meeting there, including one guy, now 93, who is in a "serious relationship" with a woman in her early 70s. At first she kept saying, "We're just friends. And then one night she came in and said, "We're an item, no longer just friends." I didn't pry into why things had changed or ask for any of the gory details, I am just happy that there are two less lonely people in the world.

"Two other ideas. Go to www.Meetup.com, a website that lists all kinds of activities in Orange County (and all over the USA for that matter). You could find an activity or two that you enjoy and most certainly would make new friends, particularly women friends.

"Also, there are several senior centers in south OC that are quite active, the one in Mission Viejo comes to mind. New potential friends await you there as well.

"Of course, there is the Internet, particularly www.OurTime.com, which is for the older set. However, there are lots of scammers out there trying to prey on lonely older women so I would be very careful using the Internet to date at your age. Lots of complications. Protect your assets and don't by into any lies that will be spun by what appear to be men interested in you."

"Regardless of what activities you pursue, you can make new women friends, and perhaps meet a guy, but it will take an effort on your part. It takes time, energy, a little money, and enthusiasm, and you must evaluate whether all the effort is worth it. Whether or not you meet a man, I can't say, but you will be enriching your life. Focus on finding the women friends, and then let life flow after that.

"Let us know what you decide."

Importance of getting out of the house and meeting new people

Importance of getting out of the house and meeting new people

Four Champs who inspire me

Happy 2014. One of our recurrent themes is the importance for older singles to get out of the house and involved in activities that interest them.

Sometimes, doing so leads to meeting a significant other and other times it doesn't. Regardless, what getting out and involved does is enrich one's life. It makes one a more educated, more interesting and a happier person. When singles do that, they develop new friends and appreciate life more than when sitting around and getting bored.

An example of our Champs getting out of the house and enriching their lives was demonstrated to me personally this past Monday afternoon when Champs Linda and Jackie, from Dayton, Ohio, and Xania, Ohio, respectively, popped into Tutor and Spunky's, my Dana Point, California, deli to meet me.

They hadn't arrived in Southern California by airplane or train. Rather, they arrived with Linda driving an RV and Jackie following behind her in her car. They had been traveling since Thanksgiving, stopping at places like the Arch in St. Louis (it was 10 degrees when they went up in it) and sites of interest in Arizona and New Mexico.

How it works for them: They locate an RV park (electricity required) and park the RV and live out of it like a hotel. Then, they do local sightseeing in Jackie's car.

They were on their way to an RV park in Santa Barbara, California, a couple of hours northwest of Los Angeles, to spend the winter. To help defer their costs, they are trading their time working at a nature preserve in exchange for complimentary parking of the RV.

We shared bowls of soup and chili while getting to know each other. They were thrilled with the culture and places they had seen so far. Both were rested and enthusiastic. Meeting them brightened my day.

Traveling by RV is no cake walk. They had blown a tire entering San Clemente and had to have it fixed at a tire store.

This summer, Linda parked her RV in the mountains of Colorado (Jackie was not along on this trip). When Linda needs some extra cash, she drives semi-trailer trucks to earn spending money.

                                                              Jackie  - Tom - Linda

Linda and Jackie inspired me. They are living life to the fullest--without men. I'm not sure any men their age could keep up with them. I am proud to have them as part of our Champs corps.

 
Part 2 - Other Champs who inspire me

Chris is in his late 70s. For years, he has been a dance host on cruise ships. A few years ago while on a cruise, he met Tina, from England, and they have been in a long-distance relationship ever since, while both maintaining residences in their respective countries. Chris just sent an email that he and Tina are off on another adventure for several weeks. No sitting around the house for him.

Carlene went through a divorce last year and moved to a new city. She wrote, "I found a church and two places to volunteer--within three days of being here. Knew I'd get the grumpies if I didn't find something to keep me busy.

"Then, I found out what activities are going on in the area--too many--and set out to pick what I liked and wanted to do. No decision was made to "meet a man" at anything I wanted to do.

"I have done more things in the past nine months than some people who have lived here for 30 years! Have made new women friends along the way and some nice men too. One man knew where I would be on Christmas Eve; he surprised me by coming to the Christmas Eve service--suit and tie--and asked me to sit with him.

"I expanded my 'borders' to include towns 15-50 miles away. Every time I get together with folks I hang out with, my first question is, "Where have you been and what's new and exciting that we should try?

" My involvement in my local communities has led to a part-time job I would never have imagined. I love it. It keeps me out of trouble and I am making more new friends in a community 13 miles from home.

"I spent Christmas alone--yes--a personal choice--a day of reflection-- and then on to the next adventure."

Kudos to the four of our Champs featured in today's article, who keep life interesting, and are an inspiration to me.