Thursday, June 5, 2014

The price of being desperate for love‏

new Champ, located in the Midwest, age 60, emailed, "I am trying to find a man I can love and who loves me."  Her story reminds me of two classic oldie love songs, which I disclose as her story unravels.

The new Champ explained her predicament: "I have been on dating sites and have no problem getting dates. But they all tell me they love me within a week or two. They don't even know me let alone love me. They want to push for a long-term relationship very soon and act very needy.

"This is not working for me because I don't even get a chance to get to know them and maybe let something grow. I am honest from the beginning and try to tell them in a nice way that they need to slow down but they don't. I start to feel stressed and end up leaving what may have been a nice relationship. I want so much to fall in love with someone but until recently, I'm not having any luck."

Tom's response: "These men sound desperate and needy, and they are trying too hard, which is not appealing to you. They must, however, find you attractive. Where do you find these guys? Perhaps you need to change where you are looking."

I was also curious what the words 'until recently' meant.

The new Champ said, "I just met a man I was attracted to so much I felt 16 again. I was swept off my feet just talking to him for two weeks before we met in person and when we met it was as if I had known him forever."

Here we go again: people who are swept off their feet without meeting the person face-to-face. They are falling for an image they have in their mind. True, we discovered last week that Ruth, who moved from Wisconsin to live with Gary in Nebraska without meeting him in person beforehand, seems to have landed on her feet, but, 98 percent of the time, until a face-to-face meeting occurs, thoughts of love and long-term relationships are just speculation and based on false hopes.

The new Champ said, "For eight days we saw each other every day. He wrote me poetry, played guitar and sang to me, took me on a motorcycle ride, and cooked for me. He was charming and funny and I fell for him hook, line and sinker.

"He told me on the eight day that he needed space, that it wasn't me although he felt every bit the way he told me in the beginning; he didn't know why but he lost all those feelings (The Righteous Brothers' song, You've Lost That Loving Feeling, comes to mind). He said he was this way with every woman he met and felt there was something wrong with him.

"I was devastated, I feel like my heart has been broken into pieces and my stomach is a tight knot of agony. I can't eat or sleep and turn to tears at the drop of a hat! I never want to go through this again.

"I now wonder if this is what I do to the other guys I have dated and feel like a heel for hurting them. I'm wondering if I should look the last guy up and just settle for him and maybe grow to love him.

"I am heart sick with the thought of never being truly loved and giving love for the rest of my life and it seems more urgent since I met the guy who broke my heart. I want to feel that alive again and be wanted. How do I accomplish getting someone I love with all of my heart and have them love me the same way? What do guys want?"

Tom's response: "You turned the tables on yourself. You were too needy, too available and perhaps too easy. He says he does this with every woman he meets. It's a game to him. He romances the women and after the challenge is gone, he loses those feelings. Yea, right.

"You dated him for only eight days. Get over him. You remind me of the Patsy Cline song, I Fall to Pieces. And now you have even more urgent feelings. Develop some other life interests besides seeking a man. Find a good therapist to help you focus on becoming a more self-sufficient woman.

"And no, don't settle for a man you don't love, that's being desperate as well. What do guys want? They want confident, self-sufficient women who do just fine on their own but who enjoy being with a man as well. When we try too hard in a relationship, it will just fall to pieces."

Below are the links to the two classic love songs referred to in the text above. When the YouTube ads appear, you can click on "Skip Ad"

 Link to: You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'
Righteous Brothers You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' (45 RPM)
Righteous Brothers You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' (45 RPM)

Link to: I Fall to Pieces

Patsy Cline - I Fall To Pieces
Patsy Cline - I Fall To Pieces
Part 2                       Update from John and Valerie

John emailed, "After reading last week's column on marriage, I wanted to update you that Valerie and I were married this past Saturday at a Mass in Kissimmee, Florida, before family and friends, some who traveled from as far away as Chicago and Arkansas. 

"You wrote about us in your October 18, 2013, column. We are so very happy. I could go on and on...Included is a picture of our first dance. Keep up being an inspiration to all who have not given up on love no matter our age."

                                                  Valerie & John

Be safe. Be well


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