Dateline – Baldicherie, Italy, Friday, May 5, 2016
Understanding relationships: An informative exchange between two Champs
John Gray, the author of Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus, would be proud of us. Here we are in 2016, still talking about the differences between how men and women view relationships.
In the April 16 newsletter, Champ Randy compared the way the men in his Florida singles club view relationships to how women in his group view relationships.
In the April 23 newsletter, Champ Doreen responded to Randy’s comments. She hoped Randy would ask the women in his group how they feel about relationship expectations. Doreen also wanted to know from Randy what he meant when he used the term, “unstructured relationships.”
I was pondering from Europe what the topic of today’s newsletter would be. It came to me in the most famous and most visited museum (10 million visitors a year) in the world, the Louvre, in Paris. Why there?
Because I saw this painting shortly after I had read Doreen’s questions to Randy. I wonder if John Gray got the inspiration for his book from this painting. It is titled Mars and Venus:
Mars and Venus Claude Poisson 1671
Randy responded: “Thank you Doreen for asking for clarification. At your suggestion, I have talked to two of the ladies in my group and will see if I can get responses from a bigger sampling. I am concerned that they will not be totally open with the opposite gender so perhaps that is something you might explore as well.
“One of my gal-pals offered this insight on forming and maintaining a relationship. She said, ‘Women should initially, attempt to take love out of the equation. Unlike most men at this point in life, women continue to be hopeless romantics who often look at a relationship in terms of what they desire or for what it might become rather than what it actually is. If you can look at a relationship without this blinding emotion, you have a lot better chance of evaluating whether it is working for both parties.’”
Note from Tom: I think the above paragraph from Randy’s gal-pal is brilliant and explains the Mars-Venus issue for people 60+ accurately.
Randy answered Doreen’s second question as well, “As for the term‘unstructured senior dating relationship,’ it would be defined as something between the dating or just hanging out you mentioned, and a conventional relationship that we might have enjoyed when married or living with a partner. Certainly it has nothing to do with being picked up at your house for a date or sharing the check. Being in my late 60’s and coming from that era, I would never consider asking a lady to share the cost of a date.”
Tom’s comment: “I might, depending on the circumstances.”
Randy continued: “Regardless, I can understand your confusion at this term as it is somewhat ill-defined and perhaps even nebulous. It might be easier to explain what it isn’t.
“Too often when partners start dating, the relationship rapidly progresses to what I call an expectation relationship. Instead of one partner asking the other ‘Will I see you this weekend?’ or, saying, ‘If you are not busy Saturday, I would love for you to join me for lunch,’ it goes to: ‘I have made reservations for us next Friday at 7:30 and, by the way, Tom and Judy will be joining us.’
“Perhaps even to: ‘My children are coming for dinner Sunday and I expect you here at 5 p.m.
“It might even incur the dreaded, ‘You didn’t call me this week. Is there a problem?’
“Although there is a comfort for both men and women in having a partner for each and every social occasion, this ‘expectation’ can often cause stress, which in some cases, quickly turns to resentment.
“This ‘expectation mode’ typically occurs after a short period of dating, AND CERTAINLY AFTER ANY INTIMACY. It can cause friction in a relationship.
“I would suggest that regardless of how long a relationship has existed, or how good it is, we should always attempt to have respect for our partner’s independence and time.”
Good job Randy and good job Doreen. Exchanges like that between mature singles can be very informative. I bet when John Gray wrote Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus book in 1992, he would have used this discussion between Randy and Doreen if it had been available..
Mars and Venus Revisited April 15, 2016 By Tom P. Blake Dateline—Paris, France In April, 1992, John Gray published “Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus.” Gray used the metaphor comparing men and women as being from different planets to explain the different views they have when it comes to the relationships between them. The book spent 121 weeks on the bestseller list and more than 50 million copies have been sold. After I published the newsletter about two guys breaking up by text message, I received an email from Champ Randy, an older single man, which stated, “As I have matured, I have found there is a massive understanding gap between men and women. One would think by this point in life that we would all be ‘in-sync’ but that is unfortunately not true. The expectations and perceptions between men and women are sometimes so foreign to each other, I truly start to believe the Mars and Venus analogy.” I have to compliment Randy for such a succinct and well-stated email that zeroed in on how senior men and women differ in their perception of romantic relationships. He said, “For most women, a relationship seems to be, a life-long commitment that is prioritized above all else. There may be some understanding regarding whether the partners will live together and/or share resources, but it still comes down to a life-long, prioritized commitment. “I suspect most men in our age group (60s-70s), who have been single for some time, are looking for something a little less-structured and rigid. They are looking for companionship with someone they enjoy and hopefully some mutually common interests without the sometimes pressure and stress of a ‘formal’ relationship.” Randy belongs to two social groups where he lives in south Florida. The groups have nearly an equal number of men and women. Randy said, “After reading your “breakup-by-text-message” newsletter, I asked almost all of the men whether they were actually interested in a long term, committed relationship. “Without exception, all answered yes, ‘If the right woman came along.’Although this sounded pretty encouraging, upon further questioning of what ‘the right woman’ would be, I found that almost all of the men set such high expectations that it would probably take God’s direct intervention to make it happen. “When I brought this to the men’s attention, all agreed with my assessment and embarrassingly admitted that they really weren’t looking all that hard and never expected it to happen anyway. What they were actually looking for was a comfortable and unstructured relationship, which included someone they enjoyed being with for trips, dinners, social gatherings and sometimes just good conversation. “Believe it or not, sex was rarely a criteria and monogamy was not really a problem. Companionship was the most-often used term and led me to the conclusion that in today’s vernacular, they were almost all looking for female BFF’s (acronym for best friends forever).” Randy continued: “I have been in five different relationships since the loss of my wife of 38 years, 10 years ago. All of these women were wonderful and exciting and a great addition to my life and all are now long-term friends. “With one exception, I broke up with them after a year or two (in person, not by text message) because they started expecting more that I could give. I came to the conclusion in every case, that since I wasn’t prepared to go that extra step, I was doing them a disservice by continuing the relationship and I should free them up to pursue what they needed, wanted and deserved. Most have now found the long-term partners they longed for and ‘now’ they understand the reason for the breakup. “If I have a point in the above, it is that both partners need to understand what the other’s definition of a relationship is, and what their expectations are. If these are not ‘in sync,’ each person needs to examine the relationship closely and determine whether to move on to avoid heartbreak and the resulting bitterness. “There are millions of us lonely people out here searching for our soul mates. With a little honest communication and understanding, many of us can still find for what we are searching.”John Gray had it right in 1992. To this day, the way men and women view relationships hasn’t changed much.
