Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Should widows date only widowers?

Often, widows tell me they'd prefer to date widowers because they both can relate to what the other has been through. Widows also feel that widowers-based upon their marriage experience--know and appreciate the value of a good woman and a healthy relationship. However, dating a widower may not work out, as Trudy, an Iowa widow of six years, discovered.

Trudy wrote, "I have been in a relationship for six months with a widower of three years. He is 64, I am 62.

"On Saturday, we were at a casino. He was playing blackjack and I was playing slots. As always, I checked on him several times to see how he was doing or if he needed something to drink. At the table, there was a married couple and their single woman friend. At one point when I checked on him, he and the woman were having a close conversation and he was surprised I saw the two of them.

"On Wednesday, he told me he didn't think we had enough in common. On Friday, he had a date with the same single woman; he doesn't know that I know.

"In February, we spent two weeks in Phoenix with three other couples, one of which I had only met once, and the others I had never met. I was very uncomfortable and told him so. He said I didn't like his friends. These friends live 160 miles away and he may see them once a year.

"On the way to Phoenix, we spent three nights with his deceased wife's sister, who I had met for five minutes previously, and then the wife's other sister and two brothers the next day. Wow, talk about uncomfortable. He has no friends locally except a couple from his church.  

"He has pictures of his wife and him in the living room and his office. He was told twice by a friend to put them away but to no avail. He asked me if that bothered me. What was I to say? Yes it bothered me, but I said no. I thought he should have known. As I see it, his house is his wife's house. No reflection of him. My marriage photos have been put away a long time ago.

"I made the mistake of getting physically involved way too soon and I know that now. Also, I don't think he is a very good communicator about important things.

"He has a list of criteria needed by a new woman a mile long, of which I think no woman will ever fill. Or, perhaps he just may not be ready to move on, but thinks he is. He has had tons of previous dates. I thought dating someone who lost their spouse would be better than dating a divorced person due to my previous experiences.

"He wants to remain friends, but for me, when it's over, it's over. I need your reflection as to exactly what went wrong so I don't make the same mistakes again if another man enters my life.    

Tom's response to Trudy: "No one is treated the way you've been treated in a happy relationship. Making you spend nights with his deceased wife's relatives was torture.

"But, let me be clear: YOU did nothing wrong. Having intimacy with a person one loves is healthy for a relationship and natural. He is dragging you through the mud and you don't deserve that. Perhaps he's just not in to you, but that gives him no right to treat you poorly. 

"He is not considerate of you nor does he treat you with respect; do not take it anymore. If you haven't dumped him, do it immediately.

"The only thing you might do better is choose a man who appreciates you more the next time around.

"I published an electronic book on Smashwords.com (an ebook bookstore) titled, "Widower dating. Gold mine or mine field?" I think reading it would be helpful. You can download to your computer for $4.93."

                              Widower Dating e-book  

The link:

Widower dating. Gold mine or mine field? 

Trudy responded: "No sooner said than done. I just needed affirmation that my own thoughts were right."

Good for her. Do any widows or widowers have an opinion?

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