Thursday, July 3, 2014

Dating while still married not a good idea for this woman

Dating while still married not a good idea for this woman

Happy July 4th, 2014 . Last week’s newsletter had four parts. The first three parts centered on a married woman named Cindi and her dilemma. Part four was blank; I asked Champs to fill it in with their thoughts about Cindi’s situation. We had so many sage responses, I could not include them all.

Let me say this before we dissect Cindi’s situation. If there ever was a panel of experts needed to discuss the issues surrounding “On life and love after 50, 60, 70, 80 and beyond,” our 2,000 or so Champs--located in the USA and Canada and several other countries around the world—would be the group I’d choose. Your knowledge, caring and wisdom help make writing these columns possible. And now, let’s delve into Cindi’s situation.

Cindi had been married 34 years to a man that she said never made her a priority in their marriage. He left her four years ago but has remained married to her.

“We are remaining married because if he passes first, I am the beneficiary of his "Survivor Benefits" from his long-term job. That is the only reason I am staying married,” Cindi said. She also stated that his health insurance paid for her treatment for 25 years for chronic foot pain.

Cindi owns five pets, “They give me a lot in return and keep me going,” she added.

Cindi would like to meet a man; she said she is “a little overweight.”

“Is it wrong to go on dating sites while still married?” Cindi asked.
She also wants to put an end to his intrusion into her family social events. She asked for suggestions that would make her happy.

I suggested she join to pursue some activities she would enjoy and there she could meet new people.

“Does have any men in it?” She asked.

To fill in the blank Part four, our Champs took over.

Gail stated, “I am a widow and constantly appalled by married women that complain about their husbands. I think Cindi needs to reach out to him, talk to him, find what made you love him in the first place. Good men are hard to find and it takes two to make a marriage work. Give it a try and good luck.”

George was trying to figure out why Cindi’s husband was even sticking around: “There’s an awful lot of drama here.”

Cydne said, “Cindi doesn’t realize what she has. She has a bond with his children and grandchildren, a house and a comfortable lifestyle that she doesn’t have to work to keep. On top of this, she has medical insurance and if she gets ‘lucky’ and he dies first, she gets his pension. She wants her cake and to it eat too.

“She knew exactly what she was getting into years ago and sold her life for exactly what she got. I don’t have a house and probably never will because of my decision to live my life independently as I saw fit and not to cow tow to a man I did not love. I raised my three sons by myself.

“Unless her husband is a wife beater or abuser of some kind, or does drugs or is an alcoholic, I don’t see why she can’t appreciate what she has and make an effort to keep her vows and find something she likes about him. Bring the love back is what I say.”

Tia, “Why not make an effort to turn things around so you and your husband can share your final years together happily?

“Forget dating another man.  You have a companion - your husband. He has been married to you, and provided full financial support to you, for 34 years. That sounds to me like commitment and making you a priority. It's time for you to prioritize him in the relationship.

Janice, “It appears she is already taking your advice, eating right, going to the gym, and making friends in her community. Kudos to Cindi for loving herself enough to give herself the care she deserves. Ultimately happiness and joy is our responsibility.”

Wayne, I'd suggest some counseling and making an effort to seek out what makes her happy before dating. She needs to sort out her own issues before deciding if she is really ready to exit the marriage.

Dawn, “She could check out Al-Anon meetings. They are for people who have friends or family addicted to alcohol or drugs. Al-Anon helps people learn to take care of themselves.

“I've written to you before about a man’s abuse of me. I left that relationship and am very happy in a new love.

“Five years ago I was getting divorced, two kids were addicted to drugs,I was unemployed and losing my insurance.

“Going to Al-Anon meetings helped me learn to put me first. And take care of myself. My kids are in recovery, both working and healthy, thank God. I'm about to celebrate five years at a good job, I own a home and am in love with a man who knows he's lucky to have me! The lady is selling herself short.

Gale felt differently, “I commend you for sticking it out this long, but I truly believe you need to cut the ties that don’t really contribute much to you. Insurance benefits won’t replace the hole in your heart that you would love to fill.  I think being free from this apparently one-sided relationship would give you more in terms of happiness than you have now. It may be difficult to do, but in the long run necessary.

Ceil,My head is reeling! She almost had me convinced that she had turned a corner, when she gave a successful party to meet her neighbors. But then she turned right around and asked you if there are any men in Meetup groups. Find out for yourself. Cindi!  First and foremost, she should dedicate herself to honesty: stay off dating sites. I also do not wish to be mean, but I think Cindi would benefit from psychotherapy ... as many of us have. She needs to simplify her life and I'm pretty sure she cannot do that on her own.

In addition to her comments above, Cydne added this about “She should look up MEETUP and she will find out if there are any men. (Of COURSE there are men silly!)  There are singles groups and mens’ groups and womens’ groups and family groups.  There are groups that do specific activities like hiking or photography or bicycling or knitting or book club etc. Just about anything you could think of as an activity is covered in MEETUP.

One man requesting to be anonymous who was writing for his wife and himself wrote, “I can't imagine her current husband, or a man in a future being able to have a relationship with Cindi.  Her baggage will never allow her to be free to truly love, care for, and see the new man as primary in her life.  And, just as important, what does she offer and bring to a new relationship?

"All I can see in her is a woman who buried two children, which she is not able to move on from, a sore foot which will prevent her from participating in many activities, and five pets.  In addition, she appears to be a sad woman looking for a knight in shining armor who will supply her with medical coverage, life insurance, money, help around the house, and worship her with an undying love.

Larry,There is more about Cindi's dislikes and wants than you can shake a stick toward. From her own self-description, she is a large part of the problem. No man (or woman) would be happy around an unhappy woman/or man. Perhaps her husband has only stuck around to take care of her and/or out of compassion for her?

“She should not be going on dating sites while still married. Meetup is also basically an organization for singles. A suggestion for more communication between the two and acquiring long term counseling if possible even if Cindi goes alone. Her life can/could get a lot worse as a single woman. She doesn't appreciate what she has and for what this man has done and gone through to stand by her unhappiness for all of these years.”

And summarizing these wonderful comments, Jane wrote, “Cindi, it sounds like you've had some hard times and had to make some hard choices. You have chosen to stay in a loveless marriage for financial reasons. That's not too uncommon, actually. Yet you crave a relationship and the love you dream of. If you disentangle yourself legally from your husband, you put your future finances in jeopardy, with no guarantee of finding love. You've made your choice, and it seems a little late to second guess it.

“You should not be dating while still married. Just because some people lie on the internet doesn't make it all right! If you do meet someone under false pretenses, what do you expect to happen when you tell him the truth? Who would want to start a relationship with someone unavailable -- only someone who is just interested in sex, not any commitment. That doesn't seem to be what you want either.

“Happiness has to begin inside you.  You can't expect to find it through someone else. It sounds like you have many friends, yet look to sites like just as places to meet men. There are no knights in shining armor, but there many imposters in tinfoil. Concentrate on fixing what you need to fix in yourself, both physically and emotionally. Dreaming of what could have been doesn't get you through the day; it just makes you more miserable.

Thanks Champs. And again, Happy 4th of July, 2014

For more "On Life and Love After 50" articles, visit  Finding Love After

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