Wednesday, July 23, 2014

An unwelcome visitor

                                     On Life and Love After 50

An unwelcome visitor: “But honey, it’s just golf.”

A 69-year-old woman emailed me saying that her romantic relationship is worthy of a soap opera. She’d like a little guidance.

Kathryn (not her real name), said, “I have been going out with my boyfriend for three and a half years.  We have enjoyed a wonderful relationship. He is the best ‘boyfriend’ ever! I have never met anyone like him. He goes out of his way to be helpful and sweet to me.”

Kathryn was married for 33 years; she has been a widow for 13 years. Her boyfriend, also 69, was briefly married. He lived with a woman for 12 years; they broke up four years ago. 

Two years ago, Kathryn and her boyfriend hired a golf pro and took golf lessons together and have been golfing as a couple ever since. He enjoyed the community where she lives so much he bought a home there.

Here’s where the plot thickens. Kathryn explained that recently the 54-year-old daughter of the same woman her boyfriend lived with for 12 years called him, after four years of no contact. When he told her how great the community and the golfing were, the daughter mentioned that she had always wanted to learn to play golf. He invited her to come to their community to learn. 

Kathryn said, “Her first visit was golf. The second was golf and dinner. The third was golf, dinner and swimming in the community pool. Then, tennis was mentioned. On one occasion, she brought her robe and slippers and stayed overnight at his house. On that night, he stayed he stayed with me.”

She added, “I am asked to go along on parts of these golf/dinner/swimming outings (I feel like a chaperone or worse…part of the crowd). He is happy and flattered to be in her company, but is disturbed that, after several weeks of us entertaining her, I do not wish to continue the charade. 

“She is more educated than I; he believes this means I should respect her. I feel he is disrespecting my feelings and me in general. From the start, I’ve believed she has an agenda. To suddenly be ‘best friends’ after four years is suspicious.
“I do not understand why he is forcing her on me. I have not been rude to her, and I have attempted to accept her into our lives since he means a lot to me, but I am baffled as to the point of all this. He is dismayed that I cannot accept her. 

“She is not someone I would become friends with. I consider her pushy and somewhat vulgar in her language. She should be able to express herself without expletives. 

“I am thinking of ending the whole thing, which would hurt; but not as much as watching him ‘respect’ someone I feel is up to something. Wouldn’t she be concerned that this would be upsetting to her mom?”

Kathryn said she and her boyfriend have both invested large amounts of money into two trips to foreign countries together. One in August for two weeks and another for all of November.  “This could turn into a messy situation,” she said.

Kathryn added, “I have tried reasoning with him, but he insists she is just a ‘friend.’ I am past being polite and am just plain angry, not to mention hurt.

“Am I overreacting? Am I being unreasonable?”

In golf, what's the warning word one yells out after hitting a golf ball that is heading in the direction of a person who might be in danger of getting hit by the ball? "FORE." That's the word I am saying to Kathryn.

I told her I would not like what is happening either. Any thoughts from any of you? 

1 comment:

  1. I personally do not think she is overreacting. I agree with Tom, she should be the top priority in his life and he in hers. I was in a similar situation, but it was the ex wife who had remarried along with the grown daughter that threw a monkey wrench into our 3 year relationship. At the end of the day I was about number 4 on his priority list and he did not have my back. So, I broke up it off and it was a blessing. In hindsight there were a lot of signs that I just didn't pay attention to. Kathryn, only you can decide what you want in your life and your future. Personally, I would rather be alone than be with someone who does not put me first.