Widow gets dumped follow up comments by readers

Widow gets dumped follow up comments by readers

On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter 

Jan 8, 2016  

by Tom P. Blake

Widow gets dumped follow up comments by readers

Last week, the newsletter featured a widow who has had a hard life. Most recently, she was dumped by her man-friend after four and a half years. I asked for your opinions, and you really came through. Our Champs are intelligent, experienced and caring at the same time.

There were so many sage emails that I can’t begin to do justice to them all. I could easily write an entire ebook on the subject of getting dumped later in life. It has happened to a lot of our Champs so it is more common than one would expect.

What I am doing today, is sharing the advice many of you offered to her—5 women and 5 men. The men were more direct in their comments. Again, these are just some of the highlights. Many requested anonymity so I will just use a first-name initial.

We begin with comments from five women:

L, who dated a widower for 1 ½ years before he bailed, said, “I will never again believe that my happiness is tied to a relationship. I am responsible for my happiness and delighted to be independent. If I meet someone that I can share that happiness with in the future, it will be a good thing too. But, I won’t compromise my life, my love, my self-care or financial well-being, thinking that I will find those things in a partner.”

G, “There is no cure for heartbreak, only time will heal. There are few words of comfort for this lady, just to let her grieve out and go on.

“What always helped me was writing about it. I kept a journal and after some time you look back and you know you are healing.

"The gentleman, as she called him, was not a gentleman; he was already seeing someone else when he told her he needed a break.”

ML, “It is necessary to have a relationship with self before all else. Although my fiancé and I were together only 2 ½ years, I was still knocked off my pins by his desire to leave our relationship. Use your pain to examine your life, not to see who was wrong or what you did wrong, but to get to know yourself. Maybe take a year off from dating and just explore who you are. Take classes, join meet ups, get some exercise, things like that. There is so very much to life.”

E, “I detect a victim attitude. I have seen this with women who tend to get into abusive relationships. What she needs to do is get over that because people will take advantage of it.”

J, “Donna@lovefraud.com is one of the better websites including books to order for people who have been addicted to narcissists (love them and leave them types).  During the last of four years I was hung up on one of those, I read everything I could get my hands on realizing that I wasn't dealing with a 'normal' human being that grows more compassionate with age but with someone who doesn't have the capacity for real love or empathy at all.  It's been 2 1/2 years since no contact with him, and I am just starting to feel 'over' him and almost ready to look for someone else. 

“I am 67 and haven't dated in a long time. Since your reader was preyed on by Bernie Madoff as well, my guess is that she needs to do a lot of homework and study to recognize people that aren't really human beings (due to different wiring in the brain) and accept that there are so-called people that only live to use and abuse others. It's about one in twenty people so they're everywhere.”

And five men also commented: C, “So she had a husband for 30 years, a boyfriend for almost 5 years who loved her and she loved them. Plus, the courtship. At least she had a couple in her life. She hasn't lost a child. She hasn't been in an abusive relationship. Considering everyone has bumps in life. Hers isn’t that bad.” W, “I had a couple of questions. What else is going on this lady’s life that can give her some joy? Kids? Grandkids? Hobbies? Charities? Relying on simply a relationship for her happiness is risky business. She needs to focus on a variety of things and ‘let the game come to her.’ “Also, many Madoff victims have been able to recover a significant portion of their losses. “Something does not smell right…” N, “This is a quandary on how to respond without appearing calloused or uncaring. Bottom line this woman appears to be a nice, sweet lady. But as we all now she first must take responsibility for her situation. “There are some serious questions here. Why did a woman in that situation not have life insurance? There are questions about losing her investments. The situation that the boyfriend she had a wonderful relationship just walked away is also suspect? She sounds like a woman who has not taken responsibility for her own life. People don't willingly walk away if their needs are being met. Denial is not a river in Egypt.” K, “My advice to her is to take heart from all the incredible people that wish her well. She sounds like a fighter with an irrepressible sense of life! An honest, open person like her will rebound well! J, “I have advice for the widow, although she may not be receptive to it.  It's based on what I have been through in my life: “It's clear she sees herself as a victim. I used to see myself as one. That doesn't help. When you are a victim, things are done to you, that are out of your control. When you refuse to play the victim role, you do things, that are under your control. The only part of her letter where she does not take the victim role - and it is almost always a choice - is when she went back to work after losing investments. In that instance, SHE did something positive to improve her life. “Yes, a series of unfortunate events has occurred - guess what? That's life. There are people to whom better things have happened, there are people to whom worse things have happened. She has her health - an ENORMOUS plus - and the skills to be employed at a well-paying job - another ENORMOUS plus.  Although she has lost investment money, it does not appear she is in debt - a third ENORMOUS plus. “I would advise her to look into herself to see why She chose an unsuitable man - because it was her choice.  A therapist likely could help with this.  Then move on.”

Part 2 

The Facebook page.

We started the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page about six months ago. It quickly grew to about 475 members, and that’s where it stands now. Actually, 479 members.

But, I have some concerns about whether we should keep it operating or not.

My biggest concern is the people who want to become members. I have blocked 122 people, mainly because I think they are scammers and not who they say they are. 

Currently, there are six men who have requested to be added. But, I simply don’t trust them. They don’t provide information about themselves. No information on where they live, what they do, and some are new to Facebook within the last few days. Others joined a year ago and belong to 30+ groups. Others are from far away foreign lands and on their timelines post suspicious material. I have become more of a policeman that an administrator. Above all, we must protect our members.

My second concern is that very few of the 479 members make posts anymore. It seems our Facebook page is dominated by a handful of people, often posting multiple comments each day. I am wondering if this situation has turned off the others. It’s like our FB page has become their personal FB page.

I would like your comments. Should we continue?

Part 3

Another senior scam reported. Thanks to Champ Kathy for providing a link to a Kingman, Arizona, newspaper article about a very scary situation that happened on the senior dating site, Our Time. I recommend that you click on the link and read the story. The woman who met a man on the site has disappeared. We have to be so dam careful with the people we meet.

Link to Kingman, Arizona scam article

A widow gets dumped after four and a half years

So you think you’ve got it bad…A widow get dumped after four years

On Life and Love After 50

January 1, 2016

So you think you've got it bad...A widow gets dumped after four years

Just before Christmas, I received a book order from my Finding Love After 60 website bookstore. But the order form did not specify for which book the order was intended. So I emailed the woman to ask her and she responded: “Finding Love After 50: How to Begin. Where to go. What to do,” and, voluntarily explained why she wanted the book.

She gave me permission to share her email with you today. I don’t think there are many of us who’ve had things as tough as she. Perhaps, some of you will have suggestions for her.

She said, “I am a 67-year-old widow and have not been lucky enough (yet) to find a long-term companion. I thought I had been successful, but the gentleman left me after 4 1/2 years together. That was six months ago. I still am very broken-hearted.

“I have had a tough time during the last 15 years. My husband of 30 years was a physician who died from a medical test in his own hospital. The legal term is unlawful death. I felt compelled to bring the physicians to trial who caused his death, even though being a physician’s wife I never thought I would sue another physician.

“I was then preyed upon by his partners and our stockbroker and my health took a nosedive. After recovering from these horrible events, I was a Bernard Madoff victim and lost everything that my hard-working husband and I had accumulated during our working careers.

“I am a registered nurse, so I immediately returned to work at the age of 63 and worked seven days a week, four different part-time jobs. During that time I was slowly retrieving as much as possible from the theft, and that is when this gentleman entered my life. He was the only bright spot in many, many years. He showed me a wonderful exciting life filled with sailing, club events, bike riding, hiking, and we were best friends. He made me feel special and cared for.

“I never saw his departure coming. 

He began a new relationship three weeks after telling me, ‘I need a break.’ To this day, he has never given me any explanation. His sisters told me that his explanation was that we had too many ‘bumps in the road,’ which was his expression for arguments.

“This came as quite a shock to me and I'm still recovering. I am dating several men who seem to enjoy my company, but it will be awhile until I can open my heart again to someone else because I am still in love with the man who left me.

“I've been doing a lot of reading about being addicted to someone because of my inability to get over him, and it appears I have something called Attachment Hunger. I have been seeing a therapist who has been an enormous help to me in trying to sort my way through this sad event. I have never had another living human being inflict this much pain on me.

“So, when I hear that others have had this experience of deep pain and heartbreak caused by another, it does help me connect to all humanity. My husband's death was an entirely different type of pain.

“My personal opinion is that the pain cuts deeper now because of our age. I would like to think we have learned to have more compassion and kindness for others as we have aged. Would you agree with that statement? Thank you for taking the time to read this and I really look forward to receiving your book, and I always enjoy your newsletters. You help an enormous number of people without even knowing it.”

Tom’s comment: She has been through difficult situations: loss of a husband from “unlawful death,” preyed upon by doctors and a stockbroker, and then Bernie Madoff, and then being dumped with no warning by a guy after 4 ½ years of dating. Any advice from you for her on how to get through her latest challenge?

You Champs are pretty good at advising in situations like hers. Send me an email; I will forward it to her.

Widow Gets Lied To. Lessons learned

On Life and Love after 50 newsletter

 Tom P. Blake

I mentioned last week that there are two sides to every story. Today's story is an example of where I only have one side and that's how it's going to be. When you finish reading it, I think you will understand. There's no way I want to track down the married guy mentioned in it and get his side on why he allegedly cheated.

We call the woman in today's story the widow, to protect her privacy and to honor her request to not use her true name. 

The widow wrote, "I read with interest the story of the woman whose match.com boyfriend had a backup plan." She felt compelled to share a story that happened to her.

She said: "Last November, I joined the SeniorsMeet.com and OKCupid dating sites. My husband of 39 years had died seven months prior and I felt I was 'ready' to look for a new relationship. My loneliness blinded me!

"I met a charming retired teacher who said he was divorced. We hit it off right away and began what I thought was a delightful romance. He said he was in the process of selling a second home 400 miles north so he was gone one to two weeks of each month. But he called me almost every day when he was away and we were very connected.

"We did a lot of things together and had laughs and great times together when he was here--the beach, movies, dinners and lunches out, shopping, it felt like I was a couple again. In February, (about three months after they met) I began seeing red flags. Inconsistent stories that indicated he was lying to me. When I would confront him about these stories, he 'didn't want to talk about them.' 

"In April, I overheard him say on the phone, 'I love you sweetheart.' The very thing he said to me! I confronted him and he confessed he was married. He had lied to me all along. I was such a fool for trusting him and getting so involved with him so quickly.

"I think his plan was to charm me and have me fall for him and so when I would find out he was married, I'd continue on as his secret girlfriend once his wife had moved down here to their new home.

"I was heart-broken and it took me a few months to heal from this trauma. I was already vulnerable from losing my husband so this deception felt horrible.

"A wise widow friend said I should think of the time invested in that relationship as 'tuition' because I learned a lot and won't make the mistake of getting involved so quickly again. My advice to women is to take it slow and be careful with your heart until trust is certain."

Let's stop right there for now. What lessons can we take away from the widow's story? As she pointed out:

- Loneliness causes us to make bad choices. Sharing with someone beats being lonely, but only if there isn't a price to pay

- Don't get involved too quickly

- Establish trust

- When red flags surface, immediately get them resolved or leave

- Her friend was right, consider the experience as tuition paid. We learn by our mistakes, and we've all made them in relationships

- At least she didn't get taken for money; that would have been even worse

The widow ended her email by saying:

"I know I'll never find another man like my husband. I'll never love another man the way I loved him and no man will ever love me the way my husband did.

"You cannot replace a person. I'm not trying to do that. I just want to matter to someone who matters to me. Someone who thinks I'm special. Someone I can laugh with and do things with. Someone I can count on and he can count on me. 

"I'm particular about men and most men my age have issues. I am far from perfect and I have issues too. Maybe it's a matter of what issues can people my age tolerate in one another and what issues can they not? But honesty is the basis."

And that is what all of us strive for: To matter to someone who matters to us. As Neil Diamond sang in the song, "Dry Your Eyes," from the album Beautiful Noise (1976). One of the most beautiful and captivating songs I've ever heard.

And then march forward, which the widow has done nicely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S8o_r4KGQw

Widower dating: Responses to West Texas Widower Post

Widower dating: Responses to West Texas Widower Post

 

On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter

 

by Tom P. Blake

Rarely have I received as many comments as I did from last week's newsletter about Larry, 63, the widower of four months, who lives in a remote area of West Texas. Larry stated in last week's post that he doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life. I asked Champs to send messages for Larry and you did, close to 40 of you.

Larry wrote, "I am still overwhelmed at the responses to my situation; I did not think that my problem was much different from anyone else's. I was expecting a few reactions, not 20+."

Even I have learned from Larry and from so many of the sage comments from Champs. There has been so much warmth and wisdom shared that I hope I can do it some justice today. We don't have room to include what everybody wrote so I've picked a few to feature. But they were all good. Many who contributed are widowed, both men and women.

Karla said, "I think four months is way too soon to start dating. Larry is likely still grieving, and his ranch is probably full of memorabilia, which is normal. However, that would probably be a turn-off for any prospective new relationship.

"Personally, I won't date a man who hasn't been widowed for at least a year and probably two years. I say that because I've dated recent widowers, and all they've talked about are their deceased wives and their lives together.

"I question dating online so soon. But, this week, I've seen ads for an online cowboy dating site. Just Google 'cowboy dating sites.' There are several."

Manu said, "Similar to Larry I explored my interests-golfing was not for me but I did try-and am now involved in singing with a city-wide gospel choir and bee keeping. Finding out who YOU are is always first before you explore sharing your life."

Virginia, from California, said, "Larry would be well advised to move forward towards the goals you so clearly stated, as soon as his mourning process will allow him. 

"Although he feels a sense of loss and wants to replace his mate, he is now (and will be for a year or longer), in a very vulnerable state of mind. Four months is a short time.

Kit, Wisconsin, agreed with Virginia, "The problem is he is a prime suspect to be taken advantage of; I wish him luck but he is very vulnerable."

Karen, a widow from Michigan, wrote, "Two years ago, my 65-year-old husband died and I came to the same realization as Larry. Because I am used to doing research in my job, I took myself on as a client and researched the heck out of the early years of widowhood. That in itself made it easier (to some degree) to go on. It is helpful to know one is grieving 'normally,' even though one's world is anything but normal.

"Loneliness isn't a good reason to begin dating. Begin dating because you meet someone you want to get to know better, not because you are lonely.

"Many men think they are ready around the 3-4 month timeframe. They try it out and find out it is too soon. You've got to do the hard 'work' of grieving before you can go forward in a happy new life. I met a wonderful man around the one year mark.

"Larry says he is fit. To meet new people, he might try a gym or community center with physical fitness opportunities or take part in some 5k or 10k walks or runs. Also volunteer at those events to help register people on race day or hand out fruit (or water). That is how I met some wonderful men."

"Larry, please know there is a good life waiting for you."

Art, Florida, emailed, "I was widowed in October, 2007, at 69, after a 29-year marriage. It took about four months to begin looking at the Internet dating sights. I am fortunate I live in a very busy area in South Florida. I joined Plenty of Fish and OKCupid.

"For the next few years, I met and dated at least 40 women through the Internet dating sites. In June, 2013, I met Joanie on POF. Since that first date, we have taken five cruises. I bought us each an infinity ring last year, and have been invited to a number of her family holiday events, and consider her to be my forever sweetheart and the queen of my heart.

"My advice to Larry: never give up, and use some creative thinking to find someone to explore the rest of your life with."

Cheri said, "A fellow who served his country and now a volunteer fire fighter sounds to be a person of interest. Put me on the list of writers to Larry."

There were many more great responses; we just didn't have room for them all.

More about Larry

I've gotten to know Larry over the last week as we've corresponded often. He explained why he's so protective of the ranch. His grandsons will be the eighth generation to hold the land. "Almost every last one of them is buried on the ranch. It isn't the land, it's the heritage," he said.

Larry said so many women asked to see a photo that he mustered one up and gave me permission to include it as well.

 

Larry - widower - West Texas

                                            

But what Larry wrote to me on Wednesday is what really grabbed me. This man is a true soldier with a big heart: "Most of my adult life was spent as a soldier; I still am a soldier in the strictest sense. I was trained to come to grips with the possibility that I might die as a soldier and die in a tough way in a faraway place. That is what goes with the territory.

"You just accept that it can happen, you put on your game face and go. And soldiers know that their buddies on their left and right may die as well.

"But nothing prepared me for the death of my best friend and the love of my life. I'm having some problems now in finishing this, so all I can say is thanks to all of you for your help. I just hope that I deserve it and maybe can return it myself someday."

I am proud of all of our Champs.

 

For more articles, visit www.FindingLoveAfter60.com

 

 

Dating old flames and losing weight

On love and life after 60: Dating old flames and losing weight

by Tom Blake

A few days before Labor Day, 2014, Anita (not her true name), age 52, a widow of two years, emailed, “What is your perspective on rekindling old relationships?” Anita had been on a career networking website when she came across an old boyfriend she had not talked to in 25 years.  

Anita said, “We have exchanged a few emails and have agreed that we would like to catch up. I asked him to call so we could chat but he said he would rather we meet in person. He wants to meet on Labor Day at a Dana Point bar.”

Anita had concerns about meeting him. Why wouldn’t he talk on the phone? Was he hiding something? Was he married? Why meet on Labor Day?

She was also concerned because of her weight. The reason she broke up with him 25 years before was he was into fitness and bodybuilding and had always tried to get her to lose five pounds and to dye her hair. She was a fit personal trainer then and found his demands unacceptable.

Anita said, “In the past decade, I have gained 20 pounds. Anyone who has been a caregiver and a nurturer, as I was for my husband for seven years, can understand how easy it is to put other's needs ahead of our own. Taking the time to care for ourselves often becomes an after-thought.  

“In thinking of meeting him, my first inclination was to starve myself in a desperate and unrealistic attempt to lose those 20 pounds. In an ideal world, he will have matured and maybe even put on a few pounds himself and even acquired a receding hairline or something.”

Anita added that she was worried that he’d think she was “…just a fat, middle-aged housewife; I am terrified of being rejected and hurt again,” she said, and added, “How realistic are single men over 50 when it comes to a woman's weight and physicality?”

She wanted to know my thoughts about her meeting her old boyfriend.

My reply to Anita: “My guess is he hasn't changed. He won’t talk on the phone? How weird. He wants to meet at a bar and not for coffee? On Labor Day? Red flags. You are setting yourself up for a disappointment.”

She decided to meet with him anyway.

After the proposed encounter, she wrote. “On Labor Day, I showed. He didn't. I can't say I'm disappointed because I was having serious doubts.”  

My perspective: Dating old flames can work. After all, you shared common interests oh-so many years ago. However, there are lots of questions and challenges. Who moves if someone has to relocate? What about children? Finances? There are a plethora of issues. I am aware of situations where old flames have successfully reunited. However, for every old flame success story, there are many, many, more that don’t work.

Answering Anita’s question about weight: Men do care about a woman’s weight, even if the men have let themselves go. It’s a double standard. For Anita, as a former personal trainer, she knows the importance of getting in shape, and losing some pounds, not because of what men want, but because it’s necessary for her health. That’s the important thing. Her health! And, it will help her self-esteem dramatically.

Widowed or divorced. Who is right?

On Life and Love After 60

Divorcees take issue with widowed people’s comments

I suppose it’s only natural that widowed people--at least some of them--have opinions that differ from divorced people--at least some of them--when it comes to being able to love again.

Last week, we featured a warm love story about two widowed people who live together. The widow, Marcia, a facilitator for a grief recovery group for newly widowed people, stated: “I constantly hear from divorced women who date widowers and want them to get rid of the remnants of their marriages. These women should not date widowers, they are too insecure.”   

Marcia’s statement caught Champ Liz’s attention. Liz said, “As a long-time divorcee, I was somewhat offended by Marcia's comment. “I'm sure there are some insecure divorced women who are intimidated by a widower's past marriage and his memories of his wife, but I don't believe we are all that way. 

“There are some widowers who cannot bring closure to the loss of their wives and therefore are still living in the past and unable to move forward in a new relationship. In those instances, it would be difficult for anyone (widow or divorcee) to not feel some resentment if the widower isn't willing to put his energies into building a new relationship with her rather than living in the past.

"I have met some fine widowers who are fully committed to building a new relationship with another. I feel they have a lot to offer and I respect the love they once shared with their deceased wives, knowing that they will always be a part of who they are. Learning about a deceased wife and the life they shared together allows me to better understand who he is.

"For the most part, I suppose widows and widowers who had good marriages make a better pairing and understand each other a little better, just as those who are divorced may have more in common in their shared-divorce experiences."

“But, I'd like Marcia to know that we divorcees aren't all insecure when it comes to dating widowers, and that there is an important balance that must be achieved in any new relationship, whether widowed or divorced.”

Liz’s comments had a familiar ring. I researched my records and found that Champ Jessie, Oregon, responded to comments a widower had made in an April, 2014 newsletter. Jessie said, “I wanted to respond to the widower who said that divorced people ‘chose to be in that situation.’ I think I speak for many when I say I certainly did not choose to be single at this time of life. 

“When I married, it was for life. Unfortunately, my ex-husband apparently was not as committed. It bothers me when widowed people seem to think that those of us who are divorced are incapable of making a commitment or of long-term love. Some of us did not choose to end the marriage.”

These comments were not the first Jessie had made in responding to something a widower had said. A year ago, she wrote, “I think it is sad that the widower has decided that his deceased wife was his ‘one and only’ love, and apparently has locked up his heart and has thrown away the key. He might benefit from counseling, since he has apparently never healed from the death of his wife. He is missing out on experiencing love again. Not the same love he shared with his wife, but another fulfilling love with a new woman.”

My opinion: I think both widowed people and divorced people feel lots of pain. Who is right or who is wrong isn’t an issue. Paul Simon wrote in the 1986 song, Graceland, “…Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you’re blown apart…” That applies to both the widowed and the divorced.

So, let’s understand each other. We’re all licking our wounds, we’re all trying to heal. A little empathy between the two sides will go a long way to recovery and finding love regardless of our scars.  

Widowed or divorced, we’re in this journey together.

You Tube Link to Paul Simon’s singing Graceland in Central Park in 1991 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtT7Og2LBbE

Widow and widower find love - choose not to remarry

Widow and widower find love, but not marriage

Five years ago, I published a book titled, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50. The purpose of the book was to show how 100 singles age 50-plus found love after 50, and to give hope to older singles that finding love later in life is possible, and to never give up looking.

The couples featured in the book are from all over the USA and Canada. Some of them I had met before, but most I had not.

One of the couples, Marcia and Russ, live in Sacramento, California. Last week, they stopped by Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point deli, to introduce themselves. Both were widowed after 34 years of marriage.

Marcia, now 65, said, “I am a facilitator for a grief recovery group for widowed persons called Widowed Persons Association of California (WPAC). There are chapters all over California. We are not a dating service but a grief recovery group that has many activities for widowed people.

“I met Russ, now 72, while facilitating a workshop. We live together, but have chosen not to remarry. Instead, we had a commitment ceremony. We have two signed legal documents: one a co-habitation agreement and the other a medical-care agreement.”

When I asked how she introduces Russ, Marcia said, “I tell people that Russ is ‘the husband of my heart.’”

Russ said, “We have been together for six glorious years. We get along great and have traveled extensively, including trips to South America, China, New Zealand and Australia.”

Marcia said, “When we are not traveling, we are involved in our community. We love to bowl and play pool, and we attend Renaissance Society classes sponsored by Sacramento State University. We are on campus with the younger students, who seem to enjoy having a bunch of gray-haired freshmen mingling with them.”

Russ smiled and added, “We just went to a Woodstock revival party, which brought out many seniors from that generation. We just keep having fun, that’s what matters to us.”

Marcia said, “Widowed people that had happy marriages are wonderful companions, but they did not choose to be single. Even though Russ and I suffered through long and devastating illness of our spouses, we still had and have the history. The children, grandchildren and who we are, is permanent. Our ex-in-laws are very happy for us. I love his wife because she trained him well and he has no bitterness.”

Russ chimed in, “I love her husband because Marcia carries no baggage. We are creating our own history now, but at our ages we see that it is different than it was with our mates who fell in love with us in our 20’s and shaped who we are.”

In the book, Marcia is quoted: “I constantly hear from divorced women who date widowers and want them to get rid of the remnants of their marriages. These women should not date widowers, they are too insecure. I see many widowed couples, both widowed, who are very happy together in this phase of life but for many reasons cannot marry. I am very happy and lucky to have met a companion who likes to do the same things I do and thanks to his wife, is a low-maintenance male.

“We are having a ball and just enjoying each other.”

Tom’s comment: Marcia and Russ are embracing life in a beautiful way. Their relationship is an inspiration to older singles. They met because they were willing to get out and mingle with people who had had experiences similar to their experiences.  

How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 can be ordered as a hard cover book or E-book at Amazon.com. For an autographed copy, email me at tompblake@gmail.com. I will personalize a book for you. Cost will be $10.95, which includes the cost of priority mail shipping.

When a younger woman enters the scene

On Life and Love After 60 Newsletter     August, 2014

 

by Tom P. Blake

 

When a younger woman enters the scene

 

Last week, we wrote about Kathryn, 69, a widow, whose boyfriend of three and a half years, invited his ex-girlfriend’s 54-year-old daughter to learn to play golf, play tennis, swim, and go out to dinner. This is happening often. Sometimes Kathryn is invited, sometimes not. “We’re just friends,” he tells Kathryn, when speaking about the young intruder. Kathryn and her boyfriend have two overseas trips scheduled together this year. Kathryn is so upset with this turn of events that she asked our Champs for their thoughts.

Most Champs sympathized with widow Kathryn.

Stella said, “Oh boy, oh boy! I was in a similar situation and to top it off the other gal was married! She bought a house in AZ and the husband lived in LA. I finally told my boyfriend that he wasn't going to sleep with me and be HER boyfriend! Her interference led to our breakup.”

Jan, “Kathryn has the right idea about leaving the relationship. If

this man is as naive as he appears to be, I would find myself losing respect for him. I can't be in a relationship with anyone I don't respect!”

Jody, “This is sad and maddening. He is being disrespectful of Kathryn. She deserves better!”

Pat, “Kathryn is correct in feeling uncomfortable about the ‘sudden’ relationship after four years of no contact. Fifteen years age difference would not necessarily be a barrier to a ‘romance. Maybe she had a crush on him when her mother was with him and now that she finally found him she has decided to go after him for herself or even worse, break up Kathryn and him so the Mom can come back into the picture. 

“Men can be easily fooled when it comes to female motives. A fling with a 54-year-old after building a relationship with Kathryn for 3 ½ years may hurt him more in the long run than he knows. Sadly, it may be time for Kathryn to move on; she sounds like a strong, sensible woman but ‘moving on’ is easier said than done.” 

Louise, “I see a HUGE RED FLAG! Kathryn is in love with a man who wants his cake and to eat it too. Accept that you are the only person who can make you happy. Get off the roller-coaster ride now!

“Demand Respect in an Audrey Hepburn way or end the relationship. He will keep stringing you along.”

Joan, “The boyfriend is putting Kathryn in a situation where she will say ‘It’s her or me!’  The other woman is manipulating. And the man is being flattered by her attentions and allowing himself to be manipulated! Kathryn may need to set up a counseling visit for her and her man. This is wrong of him. It’s an anti-relationship move.  If he wishes to be with Kathryn he needs to get this other woman out of his life. But he may want both of them.”

A few Champs saw the situation differently.

Linda said, “Yes, it is a bit strange that he seems to have such a close relationship with the daughter of his "ex" all of a sudden, and yes it may be that the ex's daughter has an agenda ~ but then again..... maybe not.

“Perhaps it is just a happy re-establishment (after 4 years of ‘healing’ time) of a close relationship that the two of them had when he was with her mother.   While it might not be an ordinary situation, I don't think he is out of line in being kind to her and inviting her for visits occasionally.

“He doesn't seem to be treating Kathryn poorly when the daughter comes. In fact, he invites her to join them.

“If Kathryn can't tolerate being around her and declines joining them, fine. That is her prerogative.  However, she really doesn't have the right to tell her boyfriend who he can be friends with (male or female) and/or dictate to him who he can invite to his home.  After all, they have separate homes and are not married.

“However, if the daughter wanted to move in with him, that would be different, and some serious discussion would need to take place.  Or if he was becoming romantically involved with the daughter, then I would say dump him immediately!

She said they have invested in a couple big trips coming up.  I would tell her to not make any rash decisions until they have taken the trips and spent ‘alone’ time together (without the ex's daughter).  She may find that their relationship really hasn't changed at all. That he cares for her and values their relationship just as much as he always has.  That's how it sounds to me anyway.  He just obviously enjoys the friendship and company of the "ex's daughter" also.  Where's the harm in that?  Is it just because she is female?  I don't think she would think that much about it if the son of an ‘ex’ was visiting him and golfing with him, etc.

As long as that friendship doesn't turn into something else (i.e. romantically, sexually, etc.), I say leave it alone. Don't try to tell him who he can be friends with.  Kathryn doesn't have to like her, that doesn't mean he isn't allowed to enjoy being around her.  Perhaps after the initial excitement of the rekindled friendship wears off, she may not be around so much.”

One man, Carmen, felt similarly to Linda, “Kathryn is over-reacting. She should enjoy her partner and let it go.”

Kathryn updated the situation yesterday

She said, “There are no changes in the situation. The only one that will be changing is me. I do not want to end the relationship and will leave that alone for now. I enjoy having him as part of my life and as I said last week, he is very helpful and sweet to me and an all-around fabulous man.  

“Given time, the other woman will reveal herself. She is very intrusive. She is a psychologist and does manipulative things just to observe your reaction.  She also makes assumptions based on casual comments that are made.  My boyfriend takes it in stride.

“The activities they share now include the golf range, the golf course, tennis court, bocce court and pool (all in the same day).  I got a call from my boyfriend from the bocce court gushing that they were playing bocce with a friend of mine. My boyfriend is enjoying this. Me, not so much.

“Part of my changing is not to react at all. I keep very busy with my grown kids, grandkids, business and social events both inside and away from my community. He is invited to anything social I am involved in and family gatherings. If he does not want to go, that no longer precludes me from enjoying my friends.  

“When my husband passed away, I found myself alone on days like the 4th of July and other holidays.  Then I realized if I was alone, it was my fault and invited some friends over. When they asked me what they could bring, I said, "Bring a friend."  Now I have several parties every year and always invite my guests to bring a friend. Recently, I had a party and held my breath. I was glad to see he did not bring his new friend.

“We leave for London in a few days and have been spending a lot of time planning and plotting our course so we can pack as much as possible into the time we have there. After the trip, I will come home; he will stay in Europe to visit school friends and family there.

“I am not sure about the November trip we have planned. I am still feeling out that situation since it includes neighbors. Since that trip includes more rugged terrain, I am ‘in training’ trying to build up a bit of extra strength, whether or not that trip happens.”

Tom’s closing remarks: It will be interesting to hear from Kathryn after their upcoming trip. She will be able to judge whether their relationship has changed. Then, as she points out, she will be able to decide about the second trip planned for November, and also decide on what to do about the relationship.

 

Still, I would not want to be treated this way. One of the biggest must-haves in a relationship is to be considered a top priority by my mate, and, in return, I must make her the top priority as well. The boyfriend is not making Kathryn a top priority. 

Link to Finding Love After 60 website