When Internet dating doesn't work, try other options

On Life and Love After 60 Newsletter

Tom Blake                             Jan 19, 2015

Senior dating: When Internet dating doesn’t work, try other options

Each New Year, most older singles evaluate their single status. Many contact me in January for advice.

This week, Susan, emailed: “What is the best dating site for over 60? I’m having a lot of trouble finding one for women like me who are young at heart, look much younger than their age and are very active. I have kept myself in good shape, but all of the men that could be my counterpart want younger women. What is a woman to do?”

I responded, “Often, I hear from women who have the same complaint. Internet dating does not work for everyone. Perhaps try things other than the Internet.”

Susan said, “I'm 72 and I think I'm maybe just too old now to play the game. I was a real head turner in my day and now get a glance now and then. My friends do not know of anyone. There is one man I fell pretty hard for about 15 years ago, maybe I should look him up.

I responded, “Yes, look him up. If that doesn’t work, simply say, ‘Next!’ Keep your eyes and ears open. Don’t give up, you are never too old. Reach out, help people, even volunteer. The main thing is to be out among new people.”

Susan said, “I do volunteer and work out at a gym four-five times a week. I did meet someone there, but after a couple of dates, which I enjoyed, he told me he was married. My luck, as they say. I don’t click with a lot of men and I could be dating a lot, but I want to feel magic again and that is why I am still holding out. I have not felt magic in the last 15 years.”

I responded, “Working out is great. It’s so important to keep the body moving. OK, so you found out he was married. At least you gave it a go until you found that out. More importantly, you ended the relationship, married guys are off limits. They need to get things taken care of at home before they start messing around.

“As far as looking for the magic you felt 15 years ago, nearly all singles would like to find that, but is that realistic? It probably won’t happen. But, being with a kind, considerate person, to whom you might be somewhat attracted, is the modern-day magic for singles 60-plus.

“Keep your spirit up, and be thankful for what you have. You are on the right path. Perhaps find a couple of women friends to pal around with. You will meet some men along the way.”

One suggestion for Susan and other south Orange County singles would be to attend the singles age 50+ Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, located in Dana Point, California, on the last Thursday of each month. After a two-month hiatus during the holidays, the next event is Thursday, January 29, 2015 from 5 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. There is no cost.

Over the past two and a half years, approximately 15 couples have formed, having met at those events.

Upcoming Events

·         Thursday, January 29, 5 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., Age 50+ singles Meet and Greet, Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, Dana Point, 949 248-9008, for questions, no cost

·         Sunday, February 15. 2:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m., Sunday at the Bookstore, San Juan Capistrano Library, Local Author lecture series, featuring romance writers. Tom Blake will be discussing senior dating, his newspaper column and his dating and relationship books.

Dating old flames and losing weight

On love and life after 60: Dating old flames and losing weight

by Tom Blake

A few days before Labor Day, 2014, Anita (not her true name), age 52, a widow of two years, emailed, “What is your perspective on rekindling old relationships?” Anita had been on a career networking website when she came across an old boyfriend she had not talked to in 25 years.  

Anita said, “We have exchanged a few emails and have agreed that we would like to catch up. I asked him to call so we could chat but he said he would rather we meet in person. He wants to meet on Labor Day at a Dana Point bar.”

Anita had concerns about meeting him. Why wouldn’t he talk on the phone? Was he hiding something? Was he married? Why meet on Labor Day?

She was also concerned because of her weight. The reason she broke up with him 25 years before was he was into fitness and bodybuilding and had always tried to get her to lose five pounds and to dye her hair. She was a fit personal trainer then and found his demands unacceptable.

Anita said, “In the past decade, I have gained 20 pounds. Anyone who has been a caregiver and a nurturer, as I was for my husband for seven years, can understand how easy it is to put other's needs ahead of our own. Taking the time to care for ourselves often becomes an after-thought.  

“In thinking of meeting him, my first inclination was to starve myself in a desperate and unrealistic attempt to lose those 20 pounds. In an ideal world, he will have matured and maybe even put on a few pounds himself and even acquired a receding hairline or something.”

Anita added that she was worried that he’d think she was “…just a fat, middle-aged housewife; I am terrified of being rejected and hurt again,” she said, and added, “How realistic are single men over 50 when it comes to a woman's weight and physicality?”

She wanted to know my thoughts about her meeting her old boyfriend.

My reply to Anita: “My guess is he hasn't changed. He won’t talk on the phone? How weird. He wants to meet at a bar and not for coffee? On Labor Day? Red flags. You are setting yourself up for a disappointment.”

She decided to meet with him anyway.

After the proposed encounter, she wrote. “On Labor Day, I showed. He didn't. I can't say I'm disappointed because I was having serious doubts.”  

My perspective: Dating old flames can work. After all, you shared common interests oh-so many years ago. However, there are lots of questions and challenges. Who moves if someone has to relocate? What about children? Finances? There are a plethora of issues. I am aware of situations where old flames have successfully reunited. However, for every old flame success story, there are many, many, more that don’t work.

Answering Anita’s question about weight: Men do care about a woman’s weight, even if the men have let themselves go. It’s a double standard. For Anita, as a former personal trainer, she knows the importance of getting in shape, and losing some pounds, not because of what men want, but because it’s necessary for her health. That’s the important thing. Her health! And, it will help her self-esteem dramatically.