Widowed or divorced. Who is right?

On Life and Love After 60

Divorcees take issue with widowed people’s comments

I suppose it’s only natural that widowed people--at least some of them--have opinions that differ from divorced people--at least some of them--when it comes to being able to love again.

Last week, we featured a warm love story about two widowed people who live together. The widow, Marcia, a facilitator for a grief recovery group for newly widowed people, stated: “I constantly hear from divorced women who date widowers and want them to get rid of the remnants of their marriages. These women should not date widowers, they are too insecure.”   

Marcia’s statement caught Champ Liz’s attention. Liz said, “As a long-time divorcee, I was somewhat offended by Marcia's comment. “I'm sure there are some insecure divorced women who are intimidated by a widower's past marriage and his memories of his wife, but I don't believe we are all that way. 

“There are some widowers who cannot bring closure to the loss of their wives and therefore are still living in the past and unable to move forward in a new relationship. In those instances, it would be difficult for anyone (widow or divorcee) to not feel some resentment if the widower isn't willing to put his energies into building a new relationship with her rather than living in the past.

"I have met some fine widowers who are fully committed to building a new relationship with another. I feel they have a lot to offer and I respect the love they once shared with their deceased wives, knowing that they will always be a part of who they are. Learning about a deceased wife and the life they shared together allows me to better understand who he is.

"For the most part, I suppose widows and widowers who had good marriages make a better pairing and understand each other a little better, just as those who are divorced may have more in common in their shared-divorce experiences."

“But, I'd like Marcia to know that we divorcees aren't all insecure when it comes to dating widowers, and that there is an important balance that must be achieved in any new relationship, whether widowed or divorced.”

Liz’s comments had a familiar ring. I researched my records and found that Champ Jessie, Oregon, responded to comments a widower had made in an April, 2014 newsletter. Jessie said, “I wanted to respond to the widower who said that divorced people ‘chose to be in that situation.’ I think I speak for many when I say I certainly did not choose to be single at this time of life. 

“When I married, it was for life. Unfortunately, my ex-husband apparently was not as committed. It bothers me when widowed people seem to think that those of us who are divorced are incapable of making a commitment or of long-term love. Some of us did not choose to end the marriage.”

These comments were not the first Jessie had made in responding to something a widower had said. A year ago, she wrote, “I think it is sad that the widower has decided that his deceased wife was his ‘one and only’ love, and apparently has locked up his heart and has thrown away the key. He might benefit from counseling, since he has apparently never healed from the death of his wife. He is missing out on experiencing love again. Not the same love he shared with his wife, but another fulfilling love with a new woman.”

My opinion: I think both widowed people and divorced people feel lots of pain. Who is right or who is wrong isn’t an issue. Paul Simon wrote in the 1986 song, Graceland, “…Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you’re blown apart…” That applies to both the widowed and the divorced.

So, let’s understand each other. We’re all licking our wounds, we’re all trying to heal. A little empathy between the two sides will go a long way to recovery and finding love regardless of our scars.  

Widowed or divorced, we’re in this journey together.

You Tube Link to Paul Simon’s singing Graceland in Central Park in 1991 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtT7Og2LBbE

Anger, yelling and the silent treatment - not the way to live

On Life and Love After 50 newsletter  Friday, July 18, 2014

Anger, yelling and the silent treatment are not the way to live

Have you ever dated, or worse yet, lived with, or even worse, been married to, someone who yelled and screamed at you? Particularly, when you did little or nothing to provoke that type of behavior? That's the topic of today's newsletter.

It warms my heart to hear from couples who meet and fall in love later in life. When I heard from Ann (not her real name), she glowingly described her 16-month relationship. My initial reaction: I hope she and her new man will be together forever.

Ann, 60, divorced for 12 years, said, “A year and a half ago, I met a divorced man, 62, online. He is nice looking and his profile seemed sincere. We met for coffee. He was very charming and easy to talk to and we seemed to have a lot in common.

“I have a great time with him. We both wanted to be committed. Our relationship became serious; we got engaged in March and he gave me a ring. I have never felt this way before. He loves being with me and reminds me how beautiful I am. I feel very special with him.”

I thought, so far, so good, how nice that Ann is sharing her love story with me so I can share it with you. A key ingredient for a new, later-in-life relationship to work is that both the man and the woman sincerely want to commit. Having a lot in common can be an asset as well.

But—and there often seems to be a “but” when people find love after 60--Ann mentioned two that bother her.

But # one – he’s messy

Ann said, “One of my concerns: he is not neat. His car is messy and his house is cluttered. It doesn't bother him. I hated going into his car because of the mess. Eventually, we drove my car. 

“When we started talking about marriage, I explained that I can't live in this clutter and he seemed fine about cleaning it up (I was going to help him). I felt I can overlook this since I don't mind cleaning. He wanted to make the change.” 

Tom’s comment: It sounds like Ann and her guy have uncluttered that mess. However, older people find it hard to change; I wonder if he is really willing to do so? Regardless, Ann will still have to be the cleaning machine in this relationship. Always having to pick up after someone would get old after awhile. 

But # 2 – He’s a ticking time bomb

Ann’s second “but” is more serious. She said, “He has a temper. At times he gets explosive. When we went on our first driving trip last July, it was fun and beautiful at first, but on our way home, I made a comment about his driving. He yelled at me and said I was treating him like a child. He stopped talking to me and though we had one more day together, he drove me directly home. We did not speak for a week. Eventually, we made up.   

“This behavior has occurred a few other times. What bothers me is it is always my fault. He doesn't accept any blame in our arguments.”

Ann described another road trip this year. ”By the fourth day together, we started to snap at each other; I understand that happens when you are together around the clock four days in a row. We were sitting on a bench in a public park. I had made a comment that his legs sticking out could cause someone to trip. He started yelling at me. People around us were staring. When I tried to be nice, he ignored me and was rude. He did not speak for eight of the 11 hours on our trip back.

“At his home, the same ‘silent treatment’ behavior continued. I was angry, decided to go home, and gave him back the engagement ring. I asked myself, ‘Do I want to live with a man who yells and then gives me the silent treatment?’ I have a 16-year-old daughter. Will he be yelling at me when she is there?

“In discussing our previous marriages, he blamed his wife and he didn't like the way he was treated by her. I'm confused and wonder if I was the cause of these arguments?  His anger scares me. Any advice would be helpful.” 

My response to Ann: Your relationship is dysfunctional. Arguing, yelling and the silent treatment are not the way to live. It will only get worse. Whether the arguments are your fault or not is irrelevant. What should bother you instead is that he yells at you and then pouts like a child. Yes, he will yell at you in front of your daughter. What happens if he explodes and hits you? Dealing with a person like him is stressful and potentially dangerous. 

And stop taking road trips together. 

Oh, and the house will be messy and cluttered, unless you always keep it clean.

Possible solutions: First, he needs anger management counseling. And second, get him a vacuum cleaner for his birthday and make him prove to you that he can learn to use it.  

Until then, if ever, don’t accept the ring back.

For more finding love after 60 articles: Finding Love After 60