Widow gets dumped follow up comments by readers
On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter
Jan 8, 2016
by Tom P. Blake
Widow gets dumped follow up comments by readers
Last week, the newsletter featured a widow who has had
a hard life. Most recently, she was dumped by her man-friend after four and a
half years. I asked for your opinions, and you really came through. Our Champs
are intelligent, experienced and caring at the same time.
There were so many sage emails that I can’t begin to do
justice to them all. I could easily write an entire ebook on the subject of
getting dumped later in life. It has happened to a lot of our Champs so it is
more common than one would expect.
What I am doing today, is sharing the advice many of
you offered to her—5 women and 5 men. The men were more direct in their
comments. Again, these are just some of the highlights. Many requested
anonymity so I will just use a first-name initial.
We
begin with comments from five women:
L,
who dated a widower for 1 ½ years before he bailed, said, “I will never again
believe that my happiness is tied to a relationship. I am responsible for my
happiness and delighted to be independent. If I meet someone that I can share
that happiness with in the future, it will be a good thing too. But, I won’t
compromise my life, my love, my self-care or financial well-being, thinking
that I will find those things in a partner.”
G, “There is no cure for heartbreak, only time will heal. There are
few words of comfort for this lady, just to let her grieve out and go on.
“What always helped me was writing about it. I kept a journal
and after some time you look back and you know you are healing.
"The gentleman, as she called him, was not a gentleman; he was
already seeing someone else when he told her he needed a break.”
ML, “It is necessary
to have a relationship with self before all else. Although my fiancé and I were
together only 2 ½ years, I was still knocked off my pins by his desire to leave
our relationship. Use your pain to examine your life, not to see who was wrong
or what you did wrong, but to get to know yourself. Maybe take a year off from
dating and just explore who you are. Take classes, join meet ups, get some
exercise, things like that. There is so very much to life.”
E, “I detect a victim
attitude. I have seen this with women who tend to get into abusive
relationships. What she needs to do is get over that because people will take
advantage of it.”
J,
“Donna@lovefraud.com is one of the better websites including
books to order for people who have been addicted to narcissists (love them and
leave them types). During the last of four years I was hung up on one of
those, I read everything I could get my hands on realizing that I wasn't
dealing with a 'normal' human being that grows more compassionate with age but
with someone who doesn't have the capacity for real love or empathy at
all. It's been 2 1/2 years since no contact with him, and I am just
starting to feel 'over' him and almost ready to look for someone else.
“I am 67 and
haven't dated in a long time. Since your reader was preyed on by
Bernie Madoff as well, my guess is that she needs to do a lot of homework and
study to recognize people that aren't really human beings (due to
different wiring in the brain) and accept that there are so-called people
that only live to use and abuse others. It's about one in twenty people so
they're everywhere.”
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And five men also commented:
W, “I had a couple
of questions. What else is going on this lady’s life that can give her some
joy? Kids? Grandkids? Hobbies? Charities?
Relying on simply a relationship for her happiness is risky
business. She needs to focus on a variety of things and ‘let the game come to
her.’
“Also, many Madoff victims have been able to recover a
significant portion of their losses.
“Something does not smell right…”
N, “This is a quandary
on how to respond without appearing calloused or uncaring. Bottom line this
woman appears to be a nice, sweet lady. But as we all now she first must take
responsibility for her situation.
“There are some serious questions here. Why did a woman in
that situation not have life insurance? There are questions about losing her
investments. The situation that the boyfriend she had a wonderful
relationship just walked away is also suspect? She sounds like a woman who
has not taken responsibility for her own life. People don't willingly walk
away if their needs are being met. Denial is not a river in Egypt.”
K, “My advice to her is to take heart from all the
incredible people that wish her well. She sounds like a fighter with an
irrepressible sense of life! An honest, open person like her will rebound
well!
J, “I have
advice for the widow, although she may not be receptive to it. It's
based on what I have been through in my life:
“It's clear she sees herself as a victim. I used to see
myself as one. That doesn't help. When you are a victim, things are done to
you, that are out of your control. When you refuse to play the victim
role, you do things, that are under your control. The only part of her
letter where she does not take the victim role - and it is almost always a
choice - is when she went back to work after losing investments. In that
instance, SHE did something positive to improve her life.
“Yes, a series of unfortunate events has occurred - guess
what? That's life. There are people to whom better things have happened,
there are people to whom worse things have happened. She has her health - an
ENORMOUS plus - and the skills to be employed at a well-paying job - another
ENORMOUS plus. Although she has lost investment money, it does not
appear she is in debt - a third ENORMOUS plus.
“I would advise her to look into herself to see why She chose an
unsuitable man - because it was her choice. A therapist likely could
help with this. Then move on.”
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Part
2
The
Facebook page.
We started the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page
about six months ago. It quickly grew to about 475 members, and that’s where it
stands now. Actually, 479 members.
But, I have some concerns about whether we should keep
it operating or not.
My biggest concern is the people who want to become
members. I have blocked 122 people, mainly because I think they are scammers
and not who they say they are.
Currently, there are six men who have requested
to be added. But, I simply don’t trust them. They don’t provide information
about themselves. No information on where they live, what they do, and some are
new to Facebook within the last few days. Others joined a year ago and belong
to 30+ groups. Others are from far away foreign lands and on their timelines
post suspicious material. I have become more of a policeman that an
administrator. Above all, we must protect our members.
My second concern is that very few of the 479 members
make posts anymore. It seems our Facebook page is dominated by a handful of
people, often posting multiple comments each day. I am wondering if this
situation has turned off the others. It’s like our FB page has become their
personal FB page.
I would like your comments. Should we continue?
Part
3
Another
senior scam reported. Thanks to Champ Kathy for providing a
link to a Kingman, Arizona, newspaper article about a very scary situation that
happened on the senior dating site, Our Time. I recommend that you click on the
link and read the story. The woman who met a man on the site has disappeared. We
have to be so dam careful with the people we meet.
