Friday, January 8, 2016

Widow gets dumped follow up comments by readers

Widow gets dumped follow up comments by readers

On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter 

Jan 8, 2016  

by Tom P. Blake

Widow gets dumped follow up comments by readers

Last week, the newsletter featured a widow who has had a hard life. Most recently, she was dumped by her man-friend after four and a half years. I asked for your opinions, and you really came through. Our Champs are intelligent, experienced and caring at the same time.

There were so many sage emails that I can’t begin to do justice to them all. I could easily write an entire ebook on the subject of getting dumped later in life. It has happened to a lot of our Champs so it is more common than one would expect.

What I am doing today, is sharing the advice many of you offered to her—5 women and 5 men. The men were more direct in their comments. Again, these are just some of the highlights. Many requested anonymity so I will just use a first-name initial.

We begin with comments from five women:

L, who dated a widower for 1 ½ years before he bailed, said, “I will never again believe that my happiness is tied to a relationship. I am responsible for my happiness and delighted to be independent. If I meet someone that I can share that happiness with in the future, it will be a good thing too. But, I won’t compromise my life, my love, my self-care or financial well-being, thinking that I will find those things in a partner.”

G, “There is no cure for heartbreak, only time will heal. There are few words of comfort for this lady, just to let her grieve out and go on.

“What always helped me was writing about it. I kept a journal and after some time you look back and you know you are healing.

"The gentleman, as she called him, was not a gentleman; he was already seeing someone else when he told her he needed a break.”

ML, “It is necessary to have a relationship with self before all else. Although my fiancé and I were together only 2 ½ years, I was still knocked off my pins by his desire to leave our relationship. Use your pain to examine your life, not to see who was wrong or what you did wrong, but to get to know yourself. Maybe take a year off from dating and just explore who you are. Take classes, join meet ups, get some exercise, things like that. There is so very much to life.”

E, “I detect a victim attitude. I have seen this with women who tend to get into abusive relationships. What she needs to do is get over that because people will take advantage of it.”

J, “ is one of the better websites including books to order for people who have been addicted to narcissists (love them and leave them types).  During the last of four years I was hung up on one of those, I read everything I could get my hands on realizing that I wasn't dealing with a 'normal' human being that grows more compassionate with age but with someone who doesn't have the capacity for real love or empathy at all.  It's been 2 1/2 years since no contact with him, and I am just starting to feel 'over' him and almost ready to look for someone else. 

“I am 67 and haven't dated in a long time. Since your reader was preyed on by Bernie Madoff as well, my guess is that she needs to do a lot of homework and study to recognize people that aren't really human beings (due to different wiring in the brain) and accept that there are so-called people that only live to use and abuse others. It's about one in twenty people so they're everywhere.”

And five men also commented:

C, “So she had a husband for 30 years, a boyfriend for almost 5 years who loved her and she loved them. Plus, the courtship. At least she had a couple in her life. She hasn't lost a child. She hasn't been in an abusive relationship. Considering everyone has bumps in life. Hers isn’t that bad.”

W, “I had a couple of questions. What else is going on this lady’s life that can give her some joy? Kids? Grandkids? Hobbies? Charities?

Relying on simply a relationship for her happiness is risky business. She needs to focus on a variety of things and ‘let the game come to her.’

“Also, many Madoff victims have been able to recover a significant portion of their losses.

“Something does not smell right…”
N, “This is a quandary on how to respond without appearing calloused or uncaring. Bottom line this woman appears to be a nice, sweet lady. But as we all now she first must take responsibility for her situation.

“There are some serious questions here. Why did a woman in that situation not have life insurance? There are questions about losing her investments. The situation that the boyfriend she had a wonderful relationship just walked away is also suspect? She sounds like a woman who has not taken responsibility for her own life. People don't willingly walk away if their needs are being met. Denial is not a river in Egypt.”

K, “My advice to her is to take heart from all the incredible people that wish her well. She sounds like a fighter with an irrepressible sense of life! An honest, open person like her will rebound well!

J, “I have advice for the widow, although she may not be receptive to it.  It's based on what I have been through in my life:

“It's clear she sees herself as a victim. I used to see myself as one. That doesn't help. When you are a victim, things are done to you, that are out of your control. When you refuse to play the victim role, you do things, that are under your control. The only part of her letter where she does not take the victim role - and it is almost always a choice - is when she went back to work after losing investments. In that instance, SHE did something positive to improve her life.

“Yes, a series of unfortunate events has occurred - guess what? That's life. There are people to whom better things have happened, there are people to whom worse things have happened. She has her health - an ENORMOUS plus - and the skills to be employed at a well-paying job - another ENORMOUS plus.  Although she has lost investment money, it does not appear she is in debt - a third ENORMOUS plus.

“I would advise her to look into herself to see why She chose an unsuitable man - because it was her choice.  A therapist likely could help with this.  Then move on.”

Part 2 

The Facebook page.

We started the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page about six months ago. It quickly grew to about 475 members, and that’s where it stands now. Actually, 479 members.

But, I have some concerns about whether we should keep it operating or not.
My biggest concern is the people who want to become members. I have blocked 122 people, mainly because I think they are scammers and not who they say they are. 

Currently, there are six men who have requested to be added. But, I simply don’t trust them. They don’t provide information about themselves. No information on where they live, what they do, and some are new to Facebook within the last few days. Others joined a year ago and belong to 30+ groups. Others are from far away foreign lands and on their timelines post suspicious material. I have become more of a policeman that an administrator. Above all, we must protect our members.

My second concern is that very few of the 479 members make posts anymore. It seems our Facebook page is dominated by a handful of people, often posting multiple comments each day. I am wondering if this situation has turned off the others. It’s like our FB page has become their personal FB page.
I would like your comments. Should we continue?

Part 3

Another senior scam reported. Thanks to Champ Kathy for providing a link to a Kingman, Arizona, newspaper article about a very scary situation that happened on the senior dating site, Our Time. I recommend that you click on the link and read the story. The woman who met a man on the site has disappeared. We have to be so dam careful with the people we meet.

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