On Life and Love After 50: Are finances important when seeking a mate?
By Tom Blake September 19, 2014
When Jerry, not his true name,
reached 50 and started dating again after raising three kids on his own, he
compiled a written, detailed “deal breaker” list of the qualities he sought in
a mate. I am a strong advocate of singles creating such a list, so much so, I
devote an entire chapter in my book, “Finding Love After 50,” to its
importance. (The link to this book is listed at the end of this column).
Jerry said, “Personal finance and
financial responsibility were very high on my list. In my first marriage,
finances were a major issue with my ex-wife. After my divorce, I worked hard to
pay down debt (divorce is expensive), fund my retirement, and manage my
finances responsibly.
“But, I found that with the economic
events of the past 10 years (housing crisis, recession), financial issues are
abundant, it depends on what weight you give them in a relationship.”
Jerry said, “I found that my list was
eliminating a large population of the 50ish-dating pool. I later read that the
most important trait to look for was ‘personality.’ I took this to heart, relaxed
my “deal breaker” list and put personality on top.”
Tom’s comment: I am not sure where Jerry read this.
While personality is important, it does not trump financial responsibility.
Jerry continued, “A couple of years
ago, I met someone who had a great personality. We dated a year, fell in love,
and decided to marry (my second marriage, her third). She was easy going and a
pleasure to spend time with.
“When I met her, she had a good job
(we both make the same amount of income), but no home, and was renting. I was
very open in the discussion of my financial responsibility (I had little debt,
home almost paid off), but she was hesitant to discuss hers, as it pertained to
credit card debt and finances.
“One month prior to our marriage, she
informed me that she held a large amount of credit card debt ($30K-$40K), but
did not expect me to help her in paying this off once we got married. I
accepted this, and once married, offered to help her manage her debt payments.
We agreed to split the utilities, and groceries only, which would give her additional
money to pay down her debt.”
Comment from Tom: At that point, Jerry should have
required a pre-nuptial agreement to exempt him from her financial obligations. I
believe I am correct in saying that without a pre-nuptial agreement, her debts
become his responsibility once the knot is tied. State laws may vary on this
legality but at the least Jerry should have seen a big red flag at that point.
“She moved into my home. We bought new
furniture (I paid a majority of the cost) and some re-decorating was done on
the house. She funded curtains, blinds, etc., but these items were not expensive.
“After a year of marriage, I am
wondering if I relaxed my “deal breaker” list too much. I have encountered a
few bumps in the road, as far as her finances. I came to realize that a portion
of my wife’s credit card debt apparently came from vacations (Hawaii, Turkey,
first-class flights) and cruises. I also believe a large expense was payment
for her daughter’s breast enhancement.
“We both recently pulled our credit
reports, which revealed that she had not reduced her credit card debt at all
for the first year of our marriage, apparently spending the majority of her
paycheck on herself (she does spend money on my daughter occasionally, but it’s
minimal), even though she had gained $1000 a month by moving into my home.
“I was frank in discussions with her
that if her financial behavior did not change, it would create problems. I am
now committed to maintaining separate financial accounts and ownership of
assets (house, cars, etc.,) until I see an improvement in her financial
behavior.
“Recently, she brought up the discussion
of updating our wills (I travel out of the country on business occasionally).
When I told her I would be dividing my estate and life insurance in equal
portions between her and my children, she started crying and informed me that
the wife should come first and that I should will the majority of my estate to
her, then, upon her death, the children would be recognized.
“She has no financial assets other
than a small life insurance policy through her work. I did not agree to her
request, but did increase her division of my estate ‘slightly.’
“She will not be thrown out of the
house onto the street or be penny less if anything should happen to me. I have
told her I don’t expect anything from her life insurance if anything happened
to her (other than the funeral expenses) and would give it all to her daughter.
“I wonder if “Finding Love after 50”
has put me in trouble? Has relaxing the “deal breaker list” backfired?
“My wife is a true pleasure to be
around and we have a good time doing things together. If you ignore her
financial issues, there’s not a lot to complain about (It’s not costing me
anything, yet.) I am committed to this marriage, but how much do you commit to?”
Tom’s response: Finding love after 50 is not the culprit here. It was Jerry’s
decision to relax the financial responsibility requirement in the deal-breaker
list that started the problem.
I think his wife saw a financial cash
cow in Jerry and turned on her nice personality to reel him in.
When he found out she owed up to
$40,000 on credit card debt, he should have postponed the wedding until she
could show him progress on reducing the debt. Now, a year into the marriage,
nothing has changed.
The story about her crying because he
intends to will half of his estate to his kids made me ill. With her financial
track record, his kids would not see a dime of that money. It would all be
gone. His adjusting the estate slightly due to her tears was a whimpy thing to
do.
If the money gets tight, she will
likely divorce him. Jerry needs to see his lawyer now and ensure his property
and estate cannot be challenged by her.
He says his wife is a pleasure to be
around and if he ignores the financial issues, there isn’t much to complain
about. The problem is, finances are the biggest issue that cause couples to
divorce. Jerry needs his lawyer to become his best friend.
I imagine our Champs will have some
strong opinions on this situation.
.JPG)
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