Living South of Tijuana. Single man wonders where the women are

Tom, one of our Champs, emailed this week: "Love your blog and note. Soooo..I'm a 66 year-old male in Baja CA., have a beautiful beach house right on the water 35 miles south of San Ysidro (a border town). Yes in Mexico. I'm semi retired, have a good life and friends but where are the ladies who could move across the border and live like kings and queens for less than 1/3 of the cost of living in San Diego? And be safer. REALLY!

"Maximize one's retirement $$ and have a great affordable beach lifestyle. I've been here for two years, told I'm attractive yet don't meet the right ladies, HELP!"

Usually, having difficulty meeting potential mates later in life is a topic raised by women. But today it's raised by a man. Among all of the reasons why finding love after age 60 is difficult, one of the most overlooked reasons is where a person chooses to live.

When Tom decided to retire to his "beautiful beach house," assuming he was single at the time, he likely didn't think about the lack of women he would meet there.

While he says it's safer there than living in San Diego, the perception among most people in Southern California is that getting there, which would be by car, is not safe because you have to drive through Tijuana. Most of my friends won't chance it. There have been lots of reports of horror stories that have happened down there.

My guess is that most single women who decide to leave the expensive living in California would go to Arizona, Florida or another stateside Mecca for retirees. Also, there are other areas in Mexico, and other countries, considered much safer, where lots of American ex-pats go to live.

Singles who live in remote areas of the country, or in small towns, or on oil rigs, are kind of in the same boat. There just aren't many potential mates in those areas, and being attractive or not has nothing to do with it. 

Perhaps Tom will get a few nibbles from single women from today's newsletter who might be willing to check out the area if he is willing to host them for a visit. And since he's been told he is attractive, that might just be enough of an incentive for women to give it a whirl.

They could fly to the Tijuana Airport where he would pick them up. But then, they would have to drive through Tijuana to get to his place. Not many women are going to be willing to have a blind date, stay overnight, plus have to pass through the streets of Tijuana for the possibility of finding love.

Tom didn't say if he's fluent in Spanish. If not, he is in the perfect location to learn the language, and then he could go online and search for Hispanic women who might live in his own backyard and might relish meeting an Americano.

I picture Tom sitting on his deck, looking out at the magnificent Pacific Ocean, enjoying  a sunset with margarita in hand, but doing so alone. Not much fun.

If any offers come in, I will pass them on to Tom. Where one lives can be a huge factor in one's chances of meeting a potential mate or not.

 Part 2  - Changes in my life as well

Lately, we have featured stories about Champs making changes in their lives. Last week, we wrote about MJ moving across country to live rent-free for awhile. In December, we wrote about Jackie and Linda, Ohio women, who are living in their RV in Santa Barbara. Champs are on the move.

Greta and I are no exception; our lives are changing as well. Today's newsletter is being emailed from Sonoma County, California, where we will be for a couple of weeks. Since my mom passed away nearly five years ago, her home has been a vacation rental. 

However, starting April 1, a couple from Maui is renting the home for three years. They are bringing their own furniture so Greta and I are cleaning out Mom's house and driving the furniture and "stuff" in a Uhaul to my home in Dana Point in Orange County, to where we are moving, from San Clemente. While there is a lot of work involved, we are excited about the changes.

Yesterday morning, I looked at the pots, pans, plates and other items in the kitchen and said, oh my gosh, all of that "stuff" has to be transported to Southern California. I'd better get to work. 

I will attempt to keep the newsletters flowing but there may be a week missed here and there.

I will keep you posted. 

Tom

A woman's quest to live rent free so she can visit Italy

One of the fun aspects of writing this newsletter is I never know what responses each one will bring. There are always unanticipated surprises. Prompted by last week's message regarding overcoming adversity that leads to opportunity, MJ surprised me with her rather amazing story.

MJ emailed, "My life took a left turn when I lost almost all of my savings in the housing bubble in 2009. For the second time in my life (first was when I was 20 and just married), I was back in a tiny apartment, but it cost a lot more these days and especially in Orange County (California).

"My rent had increased $300 a month over the last six months making my rent for under 800 sq ft, $1600 a month. I decided that even though I loved being 'Ballet Shuttle' for my granddaughters for three years, I could no longer stand to see my bank account go negative each month.

"I had to find a place to live that I could afford. With the help of my wonderful neighbors, I pared down and put what was left in storage and I am off seeking an adventure.

"I have made and kept friends from grade school and from my travels. Without them, I would not be living rent free for the next three to six months. Without rent, I pray that I can afford to go on a pilgrimage to Italy with my longtime Florida pastor (I lived in Florida 27 Years) as well as cruise around the Hawaiian Islands with my girlfriend since the 5th grade. She and I turn 70 this summer.

"My pastor's mom is leaving Arizona and going back to south Florida. This pastor is the one leading the pilgrimage. He said, 'Live with mom rent free and then you can afford the Italy trip.'

"So I am driving across country to visit friends and family. By the time I get to south Florida, I hope to know where I am to live. Being a self-imposed homeless person and with absolutely wonderful family and friends, I know God will show me where I can be of help and love everyday.

"I realized that I need very little of what George Carlin called 'Stuff' and I should have gotten rid of all my 'Stuff' and started totally anew."

Note from Tom: At the end of today's newsletter, there is a link to a hilarious 5-minute George Carlin YouTube video on "Stuff."

MJ continued, "I don't know if a man is in the cards but I am determined to live my life to the fullest and be joyful. I have more than my share of health challenges and it taught me to share hope with friends and whomever God puts in my path that are now experiencing their own health issues.

"In south Florida, one can rent the same size place overlooking the Intracoastal Waterway or the ocean. I am not pigeonholing myself into going back to south Florida, where I have friends and my brother. But it's a big pull.

"I have been a faithful reader of your newsletters since early 2000, when I was living in south Florida, and then in Orange County where I came to meet you at your previous deli location. My only regret is not coming to your new deli location to see you once again and to the Meet and Greet gatherings, but I will be in Orange County again when I visit my granddaughters. From my three years of driving them to ballet lessons (ballet shuttle), we have built a great relationship together that I pray will last the rest of our lives.

"I left Orange County February 1, so I have not let much grass grow under my feet. I only wish I wrote well enough to write a diary of my travels. I will cherish every moment and will keep a constant vigil for what God has for me daily.

"Currently, I am in Tucson. So far on my journey I have been given the rare opportunity to tour a new Mormon Temple, attend the world's largest GEM show multiple times and a gourd festival, and much more."

Tom responded to MJ: Wow. I had no idea you were pursuing a new dream. You do write well enough to keep a journal. Besides, how well a person writes doesn't matter in journaling. Why not join the blog website, wordpress.com (free) and write a blog? I am sure some of our Champs would enjoy following your brave adventure. MJ said she had been thinking about writing a blog and will pursue that. She added, "I have prayed about where I am to live for the past three years; it seems that God is opening many doors for me! I will let you know where my travels take me."

Five minute George Carlin you tube video on stuff:

Overcoming Adversity: no easy task, but necessary

As a columnist, and a deli owner, I hear about adversity that happens to people ages 50 to 90 nearly everyday. Some of the news is pretty brutal. People lose their spouses and loved ones to divorce and death. People lose their jobs and their homes. People develop health issues. These things are a part of life and growing old. My heart aches for them.

When adversity hits us personally, it can be a huge downer. Almost more than we can stand. But somewhere in the darkness, sooner or later, a flicker of light will appear. And it's up to us to seek that light and gather the strength to go on and not give up hope. Easier said than done, I realize. And it may take a long time to get through the grief before we are able to move forward.

Champ Dee wrote, "Your articles have gotten me through a very difficult time in my life. I left a marriage after 37 years of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. I tried so hard to make it work. Since I left my husband 18 months ago, I have never dated so much in my life. I have met many men, but they were not for me.

"In July, I had a 'coffee date' with someone I met on Zoozk. He is wonderful, fun, and so many other things my husband never was. We laugh and talk for hours and I feel so lucky to be with him. Please tell all the ladies out there not to give up. You never know where life may lead you."

Dee went through 37 years of hell and finally was able to do something about it. Eighteen months later, her life has a whole new sparkle to it.

In another situation, Champ Glen emailed, "I had been in a 23+ year marriage when my ex suddenly decided to file for divorce. Although it came as a huge shock to me and all or our friends, I still held out hope that she might come back.

"I went to counseling and did my best to try and understand what was going on and how I would move forward at age 51. I can't tell you when it happened, but I slowly began to understand that I needed to take charge and make a new life for myself. It took 39 months to complete my divorce, despite the fact that there were no complicated issues.

"During that time period, I met the absolute love of my life. Thanks for putting out a newsletter that helps the majority make sense of the sometimes complicated world of dating after 50."

A third situation. I have known Linda for close to a quarter of a century. Soon after I opened my Dana Point, California, deli, in 1988, Linda and her husband, Joe, would come in for sandwiches. They owned a produce brokerage business with an office just down the street. I recall delivering sandwiches there a few times.

I was impressed with them as a couple: smart, fun, friendly and handsome. Over the years, I lost track of them.

A few weeks ago, I saw Linda at the deli. We had a chance to catch up. She said her life had been a bit difficult recently. I was stunned when she told me Joe had suddenly passed away four years ago at age 63. On top of that, she was raising a granddaughter part of the time, sharing that task with her sister. She had moved to a city a half hour away.

Three years after losing Joe, Linda started to realize that she had to take initiative to change her life. Six months ago, she met Pete, a widower, on Match.com and they became a couple. The only catch: Pete lives in Washington state, so getting together is a challenge. She said he was a writer and was researching getting some things published.

She telephoned him that morning and I got a chance to speak a few words to him, sharing some of my publishing experiences and establishing a common bond.

This past Monday, Pete was visiting Linda and they came into the deli for lunch. I asked him what it was about Linda that made him single her out among the many women on Match.com. He said her profile touched him, that her description revealed an inner beauty that seemed compatible with the inner feelings he possessed. Perhaps both being widowed facilitated the connection.

He travels to California on business often and now has an added reason to come here. Linda has visited him in Washington on many occasions as well.

In March, they are going to Chile together, visiting the Patagonia area in the south of the country and the high desert area in the north, as well as spending some time in Valparaiso and Santiago.

They promised they would share their Chilean experiences with my partner, Greta, and me, over dinner when they return.

On occasion, I've been a little harsh on Internet dating for the after 50 set because of the flakes and scammers that lurke on it. But, it can bring people together who would have never otherwise met.


Whether we use the Internet to help us overcome adversity--or decide on some other action--it's up to us to muster that flicker of hope to find our new direction. Again, easier said than done.

Travel: Woman who does not like to travel wonders if she is strange

A woman asks: Am I strange for not wanting to travel?

Kathy from Kingman emailed, "I don't like to travel, even small day trips. Just about everyone on the dating sites talks about how they love to travel or would love to.

"I have always had problems with travel, car sickness, elevation sickness, I get Vertigo at odd times, so driving alone can be a challenge, I have a few other physical issues and sleeping on a bed that hundreds of others have slept and left all their epithelium and bodily fluids behind I think is degusting.

"Plus I don’t eat out at all, I have a lot of food allergies and most places have no idea what goes into their food mostly if it’s processed. I had a very nice cab-over-camper that helped with that but I just don’t have any urge to go, I can watch it all on TV in a nice climate- controlled home. Plus I work all the time, I did take a day off about three months ago, I have grand kids in Rancho Cucamonga, so I drive four hours out, spend about four hours with them and then drive back.

"One thing I find odd is that I always have to explain myself to others. Because I’m not like the majority (who love to travel or live to travel) I’m treated like some kind of freak… that’s why I’m asking you, with all your readers, am I the only person in the world that does not want to go anywhere?"

My response: The reason so many people like to travel is it broadens their horizons and enriches their lives. Travel is educational and fun. Getting away from the daily routine helps us recharge our batteries. Travel gives us an appreciation for people who live in other cities and foreign countries.

I recall a day trip my life partner Greta and I took out of Sydney, Australia, to the Blue Mountains, where the people on the small tour bus were from six different countries. It seemed by the end of the day we were all pals and it didn't matter where we were from. Here is what I wrote on my TravelAfter55.com website about that day trip:

"Our group of 20 was an eclectic mix of international travelers. Besides the five of us who walked on a rugged hike (two from the USA, two London, one Australia) there were three from Brisbane, Australia, two from Korea, four from Ireland, four from China, and two more from London.

"As we rode back on the bus, Greta and I paused to think how wonderful the world can be when its international inhabitants live in peace. Travel breaks down barriers and creates friendships despite language, religious and political differences."

Greta and I try to travel as much as we can at our age, while we are both healthy enough to do so and while we can afford to do so financially.

Most people on dating sites are looking for someone who wants to travel because traveling is more enjoyable with someone and usually less expensive.

It's cheaper for each individual when two people are splitting the cost of gas, rental cars, hotels and cruise ship staterooms, just to name a few expense items that can be split.

Back to Kathy's question: Is she the only one in the world who doesn't want to go anywhere? Of course not.

I was speaking to a college friend this week who is retired and lives in Bethlehem, Pa. He loves to travel. His wife no longer wants to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. So, last year, he and his son went to Europe together for a couple of weeks.

Some people think foreign travel is too risky. Travel can be dangerous. Look at the security around the Sochi, Russia, Winter Olympics, beginning today. There is great concern that extremists will try to disrupt the games. But life at home can be dangerous as well. Look at what happened at the Boston Marathon last year or the shootings that have rocked our own country recently.

Some people don't travel for health reasons, and others for financial reasons. And others, similar to Kathy, prefer sticking around home.

For Kathy, finding a compatible mate will be difficult, not only because she doesn't want to travel, but because she has other principles by which she lives. She doesn't want to sleep in hotel beds, she doesn't dine out, she has other health issues and she works "all of the time" (one day off in three months). Those idiosyncrasies leave little room for a man.

Should people with interests similar to Kathy be judged as freaks? Heavens no. What she does is her business.

How do you feel about travel?

Check out my blogs on my http://www.TravelAfter55.com website. 

More on dating people who love animals

More on dating people who love animals

I have never had a newsletter where more men than women responded until last week's column about dating women who have horses, although, some of the male responses were brief. As often happens with responses, they morph into other issues. Dogs and chemistry got dragged into responses from last week.

I believe that people who love animals generally have big, giving hearts.

Antoinette took issue with Bruce's tight pants remarks and rode him hard: "A comment on the man who dated horsewomen because of their tight pants. If a man wants to ogle over a woman instead of looking at her as a person he would want to get to know, then he can shovel the crap, because he's sending the message that he's crap and he's not looking at her character. 

"It's funny how 'respect' never comes up when people are searching for someone. It's always 'attraction' or chemistry,' and those don't last. It only presents an opening, but doesn't carry a relationship."
 

And now comments from men:

Curt, "Horses are first, second and third priority with women. A relationship is somewhere down the line."

Joel, "Many women I have met have sublimated their love into a dog or (yuck!) many dogs. The result is they have no room for a man in their head, bed or heart, but they THINK they do, so they move sequentially through temporary relationships.

"Like smokers who can't smell themselves, they are oblivious. They talk to and through their dogs. They sleep with one or more; the dog dominates their schedule and conversation. I get it. Dogs are more loyal than men and easier to deal with. When I see a profile with more than one dog picture, I click next."

Terry, the funny plumber, who rides elephants, not horses, with his Thai wife in Thailand and Burma said, "Your story brings new meaning to the question: "Do you want to horse around?"

Carmen, my buddy from high school, commented: "Dating women who own dogs is a more relevant topic. I've learned my lesson." (That sounds like another potential animal-related topic although he didn't elaborate).

Larry, "I have met two women online who trained horses. We never met because their schedules revolved around the horses. The schedules were typically seven days a week!"

Mark, Palm Springs, "I wish I were Mr. Ed!!!"

Marta and Bernie, married couple from Montreal, said, "This newsletter cracked us up. Bernie's former wife bought two horses without telling him, a $10,000 expenditure, not to mention the $1200 monthly fee for boarding the. She then went bankrupt without telling him, just leaving him legally responsible for the whole mess, paying for one dead horse and the bills for the live one, long after the marriage had ended.

"She cried nonstop for three months when the first horse died, prompting Bernie to say to her, 'You'd like me better if I had four legs."

Helen, Arizona, "Hilarious article re: horses and their women. How about women who love their dogs? I personally couldn't have a guy who didn't love dogs; horses would be a plus. It takes all kinds, eh?"

Suzon (proper spelling) pointed out that it's not just women who are tied up with their horses: "I live in a small rural community. I have a girlfriend who raises horses. After my husband passed away, she insisted I join a dating site. I came across several cowboys that interested me. My girlfriend said, 'Oh no, you don't want a cowboy. They talk more to their horses than the women in their lives.' I dated several, and she was dead on. They had little time for me, but all the time in the world for their horses."

Lisa, "I am a horse owner, and I have to tell you there are all kinds. The woman who was described is a HORSE-SHOW person. They devote most of their time to practicing, and then participating in competitions. Very time-consuming and expensive. If you're with one of these women, I'd compare it to being a golf or sports widow.

"Then there are gals like me: I trail ride. I love getting out into nature with my horse and a friend or two and enjoy the seasons and wild animals that riding in Griffith Park (Los Angeles) has to offer.

"I long to find a man to share this enjoyment with, but in the meantime, I have girlfriends that share my interest.

"If a man is not interested in horses, it's not a problem as long as he understands that I am responsible for my horse's well-being, which includes exercise. Sometimes it's better when two people have different interests because they can each enjoy their own activities and friends, and then they have something to talk about when they get together."

So that's it, Champs, enough horse chatter, it's time to leave the horses in the barn. I love all animals, including horses--they are magnificent animals. And I especially love dogs.

At issue here, however, is when meeting someone you'd like to date or have a relationship with, who is into his or her animals, can that person devote enough time to you and place you high enough on the priority list that you will be happy with the arrangement? 

That's a topic that needs to be discussed between two adults early-on to establish understanding and harmony as they ride off into the sunset. And that's the nuts, bolts, and oats of the story.  

WomanSage Salon Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Woman Sage Events in mid-Orange County California I have accepted an invitation to participate on a panel on Tuesday, February 11, 2014, at the Woman Sage Salon, discussing dating, the importance of having friends, and other topics important to mature women. The Salon meeting location is in mid-Orange County, California, in the Center Club, near the Performing Arts Center. The time is 5:00 p.m. until 8:30 p.m. WHAT IS THE 'SALON'? The WomanSage Salons are monthly events, featuring lectures by local authors, discussion groups and a delicious dinner, where women come together to make new friends and in addition feel the satisfaction of contributing to the WomanSage Cares philanthropies. The Salon is also the perfect networking environment for business women to discover new contacts and promote their business!  A table is provided for business cards or printed materials to share with our attendees.  All are invited. To make reservations for the event and for directions: WomanSage.org

Dating women who have horses

A couple of weeks ago, in early January, 2014, I received an email from Gail that puzzled me. She wrote, "I think your comments regarding dating women with horses are quite unfair. Those of us with horses enjoy male company as much as our horses. Your friend seemed to have really met a loser who took advantage of him. Please don't stereotype us (horsewomen) all together. If a guy offers to take part with us it's really a plus."

My initial reaction was, "What the hell is Gail talking about?" And then it slowly donned on me. Fifteen years ago, or so, I wrote a newspaper column titled, "Avoid Single Women Who Love Horses." It's buried somewhere deep within my Finding Love After 50 website. I decided to share that column with you. Remember, it was written 15 years ago. 

Avoid Single Women Who Love Horses

I've often recommended to older singles that before launching themselves back into the dating scene, they should make a list of the qualities they seek in a mate.

The list need not be long, just honest. Qualities might include: trustworthiness, kindness, respect, affection--traits like that.

We might even include qualities to avoid--a person who is selfish, argumentative, drinks too much or who has too much dating baggage.

My friend Bruce in Laguna Beach, Calif., suggests another quality men might want to avoid: Women who are into horses.

Whoa, you shout. What's that all about?

Bruce speaks from experience. He says, "I've been involved with two women who would rather spend time with and/or give more consideration to their horses than a prospective relationship."

He added that he had just met a third women who hangs out with horses; he immediately galloped away from her. I suggested that he may be looking for love in the wrong place-around the stables-and might be better off seeking women in bookstores or in the produce section of his local supermarket.

I asked him what the problem was. Bruce explained: "Because the elite of these women look EXTREMELY good in those tight riding pants (like the one in the Anthony Quinn, Kevin Costner movie 'Revenge,') many of us guys will tag along into our new job as groomer, poop-shoveler, horse-truck driver (sometimes at our own expense) and only the Great Spirit knows whatever else."

Bruce related an experience with a horse woman. "I assisted a voluptuous lovely in delivering her horse to Winchester/Rancho, California, for a week-end 'seminar' in hunting and jumping. When Saturday was over, she asked me to spend the night in her motel room because 'the drive home was too long.' Later, the wide brim of her hat knocked out one of my contact lenses while dancing at a cowboy bar."

And then, the plot back at the motel thickened: "Guess what she did when she emerged from the shower and sat on the bed wrapped in a towel?" I was all ears.

Bruce said, "She telephoned her husband."

I covered my mouth in shock as Bruce continued the story. "She told her husband where she was, that she'd be spending the night, and yes, that I was still with her. My expectations for the evening changed in a hurry. I muttered to myself, 'Why don't you just tell hubby what my name is, what hotel room we're in, etc.'"

Bruce added, "It turns out the marriage was an arranged one for her residency status. Nevertheless, her horse took priority over any guy."

Bruce capped off his reasons for avoiding women who love horses. "I knew a lady who was still making payments on a DEAD horse. Some would rather ride a horse under any scenario than be with a lively guy."

We all are saddled with dating baggage, in one form or another.

So guys, when making your list, you might add: "Avoid women with horses--whether they're single women or not."

That column was completely tongue-in-cheek. But oh my, did I get a lot of flak back then from the women who have their horses at stables in San Juan Capistrano, California. They even boycotted my column for a while.

I responded to Gail, (who even has the word horse in her email address): "I wrote that column 15 years ago; I'm surprised you even found it on the internet. But Gail, I've mellowed. I've softened my position regarding dating women who own horses.

Why? I own Tutor and Spunky's deli in Dana Point, California, and recently hired a woman who owns horses. She's lovely, and a very nice person. And while there are days when she has to leave the deli early to go feed her horses, I think men would enjoy dating her. So, I've changed my tune to this: men should not avoid dating women who own horses, but they should not get the wrong idea when the woman suggests they go have a roll in the hay.

It amazes me what people can dredge up on the Internet. Here is a link to http://www.FindingLoveAfter50.com.