On Life and Love after 50 Newsletter
Senior dating issues: getting out there. Don’t overthink it
When Champs or newspaper readers contact me with a question, I don’t mind taking a little time answering them. And, often, it gives me information I can share in this newsletter and in my newspaper columns.
But sometimes, the emails are so long and detailed that I just don’t have the time to answer every item. In that case, I will usually suggest the person do a consulting session with me. See information on Tom Blake consulting in Part 2 below.
This week, I got one of those long emails from a Champ named Leslie. She wrote, “I'm on dating sites and am reluctant to actually meet anyone though they send their numbers to call them. I am in the middle of moving - thought I'd see what a 55+ community with activities would be like as I'm a social person.
“I picked the wrong condo, meaning I thought I was being financially smart - but am unhappy due to allergies from very old carpeting. I am telling you this because I feel that I should be settled before I try to date. I found another nicer place but cannot move until September. Yet, at age 75, sitting around waiting seems silly.
“Many years ago I tried online dating. Then, I did go out but often only on one date. I've dated a lot, been in many relationships, lived with a man for 10 years, etc. I just don't know what to say when I meet someone on a dating site. It's easier if I meet them while doing activities or if it's a fix-up.
“Also, a year and 1/2 ago, I fell and broke both shoulders. After a long recovery period, I'm ready to get going. Otherwise, my health is good. I just can't lift items like I used to.
“Should I just get on with meeting men from dating sites and ignore the fact my living situation doesn't reflect me (yet) or wait?
“Should I be flirtatious and lighthearted even though I'm allowing the living situation to affect me? A friend said it's important to be happy where I live. I'm usually positive and caring. I'm thinking too much I think.
“I'd also like to know what to say, do I hug, steer the conversation to them. Lots of questions I know and the idea is to be myself. I'm lonely but not desperate. I never had children so I can't focus on them.
“That seems to make a difference in the comfort level of female friends if they have kids in their lives. Any hints will be appreciated and thanks so much for the opportunity to get some help...or at least connect with like- minded people. Are there any intentional communities out there for singles?
“Does it matter that I haven't married? I backed out of weddings, had several long-term relationships and feel I have finally grown emotionally aware enough to have a healthy relationship. I like your advice to move on because without consciously being aware, I was still comparing everyone to the wonderful relationship I had in my 30's (crazy I know). I also became a counselor and have done much self-growth, feel like I am not living in a dream world, and am positive and accepting. I just need courage.
“Because of the accident I am just now starting to exercise and get back 'in shape.' Should I wait until I'm stronger or just get on with getting out there? Can you give advice on profiles too? I'm feeling a little hopeful.”
“It does not matter that you have not married. Probably a plus in fact: less baggage.
“Don't wait to get started. Time marches on. Get on with it. But, don't just rely on internet dating. Lots of flakes there. Work more on getting out locally and join some groups. Having women friends is important. Yes, I give profile advice, but that gets into consulting time.
“Rebuilding your shoulders should be a top priority, as well as overall exercise. Don't overdo it, however.
“Be positive and hopeful!”
Part 2 - Tom Blake Consulting - Anyone interested in a consulting session may email me for information. We can consult by telephone or email—your choice. All consulting sessions are private and no information will be ever used publicly. Email me at email@example.com for more consulting information The cost is $62.95 for 30 minutes and $98.50 for an hour.
Tom's other websites
www.VicSta.com (The Victoria Station restaurant chain website)