Liz, “Regarding his wife's children, it is up to him to let them know
that this is what he wants (to have love from another woman that his wife can
no longer give), and tell them that it is his life to live as he chooses. If
this causes alienation from them, then he needs to make the choice between
them and Ruthie.
“(I'm guessing it will
be too painful to be estranged from the children and he will go on to find
another woman who doesn't mind this ‘complicated situation.)
“The problem
with the children is his problem, not hers. She should stop worrying about
what they will think years down the road. Let it go!
The man isn’t wrong
Elizabeth, “The fact that he visits his wife
frequently has little bearing on the matter. It shows he is lonely, but also
that he is a kind and loving person. His wife is not there for him
(presumably) in any way that matters. I see nothing wrong with looking for
ways that make one’s life more tolerable. It is up to the woman as to whether
she can handle it. His (step) children might feel differently if he were
their blood relation.”
Jackie, “I think having both male and female friends is healthy.
Just to keep it light and not to take it to the ‘next steps.’ That would be
so disrespectful, even if the spouse with dementia did not realize what was
going on.”
Joanie, “Poor Ruthie. This
is a man who wants his cake and to eat it too! I do understand his
dilemma. He will care for and be married to his Alzheimer's wife until
she dies (he may die first). He has not prepared his children. Nor
his wife. Nor himself. He is just lonely and wants
companionship.
“His concern is for his family and their feelings; his family
is his wife and her children. It’s easy for a guy to put an ad in the paper,
but how was he prepared to ‘give’ to a new woman? I don't think this man
is bad or really doing anything wrong, he is lonely.”
The man is wrong
Jackie, “OMG.
She may not want to be ‘the other woman’ or ‘back door Dora’ but she
is. If her boyfriend has more love to give than his wife can accept, and he
wants to utilize that, then he should divorce his wife.
“He is married. Period. If he wants a girlfriend, he needs to
get unmarried. I don't blame his kids for resenting the hell out of her AND
him. He wants a healthy companion, which is certainly understandable,
but he doesn't want to feel he is deserting his wife, which is also
admirable. But he can't have it both ways.
“Many years ago, my elderly aunt had terminal cancer. She was lucid
and at home, but terminal. Her husband, a retired pastor no less, took a
girlfriend and the two of them would go on pastoral visits at hospitals. It
devastated his reputation, as it should have.
I blame Ruthie in part. When you are on a dating site and the
guy admits he is still married, what in the world is wrong with you that you
would pursue the relationship knowing he was married!
It never ceases to amaze me how some people try to justify their
behavior.
Lillian, “I think Ruthie should question
a man who is still married and in fact visits his wife regularly; why he is
advertising on a singles web site? I understand he may be lonely for a
regular companion, but it sounds disingenuous for him to be actively seeking
someone.
Judy, “Wow,
I see red flags all over! I don't doubt that Ruthie has feelings
for this man - but he visits his wife 1-3 times a day - what is he looking
for, a replacement? Can he not be alone?”
Ruthie is wrong
Jane, “Ruthie needs to grow up or get
out! She doesn't have the compassion for what this man and his wife and
family need. She sounds extremely self-absorbed. First of all, she answered a
profile that states that the man is married, in whatever capacity, he is a
married man. The care of his wife is still in his hands, his obligation to
her is first and foremost.
“She went
in knowing this and now wants to change the playing field. Her biggest
concern seems to be how long this wife might live. His stepchildren did not
say ‘Do not date’ they said ‘We don't want to hear about it.’ They are going
through their own process of dealing with a heartbreaking situation. That should
be respected at all costs.
“She wants
to meet them? She wants to get her foot in the door and make her presence
loud and clear. Very selfish.
“And see
his wife? What is she thinking? This is his journey and he has chosen to care
well for his wife and respect her and their continuing relationship. The
relationship has changed but it is still a relationship.”
Ruthie should not go visit the
wife
Sharon: “He should
divorce his wife legally, making him free to date. He can continue to visit
as a friend. The new woman should not be introduced to her as it might be
traumatic.”
Karla, “I kept asking myself, "Why would you want to visit
her?" Then, Tom asked the same thing. Maybe it's because she wants to be
reassured that the wife is really as ‘far gone’ as he says? He visits her
every day, and sometimes 3x a day, so I'm thinking they still have
conversations. I might date a man like that for companionship, but I'd keep
my options open.”
Mark, “My first thought was, unless the
wife is so far gone that she is completely unaware of the identities of the
persons involved, it would be cruel to the wife for the new girl friend to
participate in the visits. Also unnecessary. If she wants to become known to
the children as part of the family, there must be other ways to do it.”
For Ruthie, things are not going
to change
Lillian,
“This sound
like a very high-risk relationship for Ruthie to be in. I do not think she
should be expecting to visit his wife and the fact that the children at this
point cannot accept her is another huge red flag. There is a very strong
chance than once this man's wife dies (and this could be a long time) he will
move on to another relationship; one that his kids can accept. They may never
accept her, because she is the 'other woman.'
Joanie, “He will
make NO CHANGES, so Ruthie has to decide what she wishes to do. Does she
want to stay in the background and be the ‘other woman? Have his kids shun
her? And accept the fact that this man WILL NOT make a life with Ruthie
until his wife dies. Time, age and her needs are against this! In other
words, it is waiting for the wife to die!
He is just a lonely guy and if Ruthie ends the relationship,
he will find some other woman (immediately) who is willing to put up with the
second-class life he is
offering. He wants to ‘end his own loneliness,’ not contribute to a new
woman's life. On the other hand, there are not many men out
there! So the answer to this dilemma really comes down to ‘what does Ruthie
want for herself in her own life, what kind of relationship does she want. Is
she able to play the second-class waiting game and feel good about it
all?"
Crislinn, “Giving
someone an ultimatum does not usually end in the giver’s favor. He says he
loves her and talks about a future. If she feels the same, can't this be
enough for now?
What purpose would it serve for Ruthie to visit his wife? From
her comments it seems she feels it may give her a better understanding on how
long she needs to wait for the marriage to end in death.
Just continue to enjoy each other now and slowly move into the
future. Slowly he may feel comfortable not visiting multiple times a day or
even skip a day if you make an overnight trip to another nearby city.
His children are grieving for their mom. She's still here even
if she doesn't always know them. That's why it's hard for them to think about
their stepdad replacing her. Eventually one of them will be more accepting.
Don't do anything. There is no point to it. Just be accepting to the
situation. His wife is no threat to your future unless you make it one.
Maria, “I
don't think it's our place to judge the man's reaching out on a dating site,
frankly, as I can't imagine the loneliness of going through this with a loved
one. The woman went into this knowing all the facts. I hope she honors him
and his family in what has to transpire in time --- more time than she likes.
“She would be wise to accept and just give support to the man
in the background while he and his family go through a very difficult time. She
can do that by being a good friend, respecting the children's emotional
trauma that this disease causes within a family--this is their mom after
all--she may not be all there, but they are. The man reached out for
friendship and she accepted the circumstances--he was honest.
“I think her complaining is a bit on the selfish side. Loving
someone is also honoring the other. My advice is for her to try to step in
the shoes of the children and understand their point of view. Going to the
home is like pushing herself in before Mom is gone--why would she want to?
“She doesn't sound secure in her relationship with this man at
all and that might be her motive to cement the relationship by physically
being present at the home. If she can't wait respectfully, it's not love, but
neediness. Maybe she should find love elsewhere in a less complicated
situation if she wants to land someone before she gets any older.
Marie, “It's not easy for both Ruthie
and this man. They need each other's love and understanding. My sister
is in the same situation. Her husband has been in a home for 4 years
now. She has a friend and this friend helps her keep her sanity physically
morally and emotionally.
“Ruthie, if you really love this man, help him get through
this difficult journey... he needs not be pressured. Don't worry, everything
will fall into place when the time comes.”
Here seems
to be the consensus among our Champs:
-Ruthie should not visit the wife in the rest home
-The situation will not change until someone involved dies. Ruthie
needs to accept that, and let it be, or get out
-The man should not alienate his stepchildren, and should
continue to honor and visit his wife. If he has a friend, that friend and
relationship should stay in the background. Remember what the Champ who works
in the CCRC said about having a friend, almost half do, but they carry
themselves with dignity
Tom’s websites:
www.Vicsta.com (website on
Victoria Station restaurant chain from the 1970s)
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