In life, opportunity often arises from adversity

On Life and Love after 50 Newsletter for July 8, 2016

Senior issues: In life, opportunity often arises from adversity

By Tom P Blake

Today’s newsletter begins my 23^rd year of writing about finding love after 50. My first newspaper column appeared on July 4, 1994, in a local Dana Point, California, newspaper. Some Champs know how this all came about but a lot don’t so that’s what we are going to write about today.

Back then, I wasn’t a writer, just a guy who owned Tutor and Spunky’s, the Dana Point deli I had opened in 1988. On Christmas Eve, 1993, my life changed dramatically when my wife of six years--without informing me of her intentions--cleaned out the house and moved away. I was so surprised and shocked that I started keeping a journal to try to gather my thoughts and figure out what the hell had happened and why I didn’t see it coming.

It was one of those unexpected curve balls that life pitches at you that you cannot be prepared for. Almost all of our Champs have had one of those pitches tossed at them as well at various stages of their lives.

In early 1994, an unknown man came into the deli during a busy lunchtime, and in front of a few customers and employees, said, “Are you Tom Blake?” I smiled and said yes, thinking we had a new customer. He handed me an envelope, saying, “You are formally being served with divorce papers.”

That was insult being added to injury. I chased him out of the deli with a breadknife but he was gone in a flash. Soon, I became single, free to date again. I added the events of each day to my journal.

I thought mid-life dating was going to be easy. After all, I owned a deli in a So Cal beach town where lots of attractive women came in for lunch wearing bikinis, and other beach garb, many of them half my age or less.

I quickly discovered that southern Orange County women had no interest in dating a newly divorced, 53-year-old guy, who was bitter at how the divorce gods had treated him. I am surprised I didn’t alienate every woman customer that entered the place and decided to stop asking women customers out altogether. With every failed dating experience, I added to the journal.

After six months, my journal had grown to more than 100 pages. I converted it to a short story. I naively queried Playboy, Esquire and the New York Times, thinking they might be interested in story about a divorced man’s dating woes.

Eventually, two women editors of the Dana Point paper agreed to review my material. They felt that single women in Southern California would have a field day taking pot shots at my woe-is-me, feeling-sorry-for-myself, age-50+ single-guy-can’t-get-a-date, saga.

The two editors gave me my first writing opportunity, and they were right. After my initial column appeared, which was titled, “Home alone with only dogs for company,” a woman wrote in, “Who is this sniveling puke?” Another said, “Get the boy a crying towel.” The column soon appeared in 10 local area newspapers and for eight years in The Orange County Register, which at the time, was the nation’s 20^th largest newspaper.

In June, 1998, I met Greta, my life partner. Women readers told me that my writing became less controversial and more palatable after she entered my life. And I stopped complaining in my writing that I had to pay for the dates.

Now, in 2016, I’ve written approximately 3,500 articles and newsletters on finding love after 50; writing on this topic has been good to me. I’ve published four books and have been interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show and Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America—humbling experiences for a deli guy.

In 2011, Norb Garrett, the CEO of  Picket Fence Media, the publisher of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch, invited me to write for his newspapers. In my 23 years of writing, I have never been associated with such a hard-working, friendly and warm group of people. My columns appear in those papers twice a month.

My writing scope has broadened from the early days of strictly writing about finding love after 50, to including “On life and love after 50,” as older singles deal with personal issues often beyond the scope of just dating and seeking love.

When I first started writing, Internet dating hadn’t been invented yet, and now, seniors routinely break up by text message.

My advice is applicable to people age 45 to 90. Yes, I do know people in their 90s who have found love. One of our most prolific Champs in contacting me is Shirley, aka the wise bird of Manhattan, so dating and seeking love doesn’t end at 80.

While my articles target singles, approximately 35 percent of my readers are married. Many tell me that reading about the hardships singles endure encourages them to appreciate their spouses more and to work harder at making their marriages last. My advice to married couples is usually pretty simple: stay together and work out the issues.

The most valuable lesson I’ve learned from this writing experience: opportunity often arises from adversity and it’s up to us as individuals to recognize the opportunity and make the best of it, although we may not see or understand it until months or years later.

I hear this message repeated often as Champs write me and talk about how they found opportunity and capitalized on it after experiencing adversity.

I enjoy hearing from our Champs. Your comments, questions and observations are the meat and potatoes that help keep the newsletter ongoing.

Email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will respond quickly.

Dana Point Times July 8 2016

San Clemente Times July 7 2016

The Capistrano Dispatch July 8 2016 (San Juan Capistrano)

Alzheimer's and senior dating: Senior dating issues

Alzheimer’s and dating dilemma: A senior dating issue with responses from Tom's On Life and Love After 50 newsletter Champs

By Tom P. Blake

For me, the most rewarding aspect of writing these newsletters is interacting with such an intelligent group of Champs. When I ask for your inputs, your responses are unique, diverse, varied, and often diametric. Most of the time, there are no right or wrong answers, just points-of-view you are willing to share based on the rich life experiences each of you has lived.

Today is the longest newsletter I have ever written. I just felt the topic—Alzheimers and dating--is so complicated and the information provided by Champs so poignant, the length was warranted.

Last week, we wrote about Ruthie, not her true name, age 71, who answered an online dating ad placed by a married man whose wife has Alzheimer’s. The man visits his wife up to three times a day. His stepchildren don’t want to hear about his dating. Ruthie doesn’t like feeling like “Back door Dora,” and wants to visit the wife to judge the situation for herself; she asked for comments.

Well, the comments came in, from more than 25 Champs. Some by email; some on the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page. I can’t begin to do justice to all of the responses in one newsletter, so I will try to isolate the key issues. I hope the information benefits Ruthie and others who are faced with similar situations.

One of our Champs works at a CCRC, which stands for Continuing Care Retirement Community. The services provided go from independent living to memory support to skilled nursing. He said, “I have seen it all here when one spouse’s health takes a dive. 

“Some put the spouse in memory support and stay in the apartment, some put the spouse in memory support and move out, sometimes to another city or even state, deserting that spouse and relying on the staff to take care of that spouse. Some actually divorce the spouse and split up the estate so they will not be financially responsible for that spouse. 

“But, most spouses put the failing spouse in memory support, stay in the apartment and visit. If an outside relationship happens, as it does half the time, the other residents are not critical as long as the healthy spouse keeps on visiting the failing spouse. If the healthy spouse deserts the failing spouse and still stays in the community, they are shunned. There are standards to be met.” 

Wayne said, “Lived it from 2006-2013 when she passed. Promised to never put her in an institution and I kept that promise. That promise did not leave any room in my life to seek someone else.”

The children 

Linda, “I side with the kids. Their mother is still alive and I think this woman is kidding herself thinking he will marry her and stay with her forever. All she has done is shown him that she doesn't mind being the other woman. He will cheat on her just as he has his current wife.”

Liz, “Regarding his wife's children, it is up to him to let them know that this is what he wants (to have love from another woman that his wife can no longer give), and tell them that it is his life to live as he chooses. If this causes alienation from them, then he needs to make the choice between them and Ruthie. “(I'm guessing it will be too painful to be estranged from the children and he will go on to find another woman who doesn't mind this ‘complicated situation.) “The problem with the children is his problem, not hers. She should stop worrying about what they will think years down the road. Let it go! The man isn’t wrong Elizabeth, “The fact that he visits his wife frequently has little bearing on the matter. It shows he is lonely, but also that he is a kind and loving person. His wife is not there for him (presumably) in any way that matters. I see nothing wrong with looking for ways that make one’s life more tolerable. It is up to the woman as to whether she can handle it. His (step) children might feel differently if he were their blood relation.” Jackie, “I think having both male and female friends is healthy. Just to keep it light and not to take it to the ‘next steps.’ That would be so disrespectful, even if the spouse with dementia did not realize what was going on.” Joanie, “Poor Ruthie. This is a man who wants his cake and to eat it too! I do understand his dilemma. He will care for and be married to his Alzheimer's wife until she dies (he may die first). He has not prepared his children. Nor his wife. Nor himself. He is just lonely and wants companionship.  “His concern is for his family and their feelings; his family is his wife and her children. It’s easy for a guy to put an ad in the paper, but how was he prepared to ‘give’ to a new woman? I don't think this man is bad or really doing anything wrong, he is lonely.”  The man is wrong Jackie, “OMG.  She may not want to be ‘the other woman’ or ‘back door Dora’ but she is. If her boyfriend has more love to give than his wife can accept, and he wants to utilize that, then he should divorce his wife.   “He is married. Period. If he wants a girlfriend, he needs to get unmarried. I don't blame his kids for resenting the hell out of her AND him.  He wants a healthy companion, which is certainly understandable, but he doesn't want to feel he is deserting his wife, which is also admirable. But he can't have it both ways.   “Many years ago, my elderly aunt had terminal cancer. She was lucid and at home, but terminal. Her husband, a retired pastor no less, took a girlfriend and the two of them would go on pastoral visits at hospitals. It devastated his reputation, as it should have.   I blame Ruthie in part. When you are on a dating site and the guy admits he is still married, what in the world is wrong with you that you would pursue the relationship knowing he was married! It never ceases to amaze me how some people try to justify their behavior. Lillian, “I think Ruthie should question a man who is still married and in fact visits his wife regularly; why he is advertising on a singles web site? I understand he may be lonely for a regular companion, but it sounds disingenuous for him to be actively seeking someone. Judy, “Wow, I see red flags all over! I don't doubt that Ruthie has feelings for this man - but he visits his wife 1-3 times a day - what is he looking for, a replacement? Can he not be alone?” Ruthie is wrong Jane, “Ruthie needs to grow up or get out! She doesn't have the compassion for what this man and his wife and family need. She sounds extremely self-absorbed. First of all, she answered a profile that states that the man is married, in whatever capacity, he is a married man. The care of his wife is still in his hands, his obligation to her is first and foremost. “She went in knowing this and now wants to change the playing field. Her biggest concern seems to be how long this wife might live. His stepchildren did not say ‘Do not date’ they said ‘We don't want to hear about it.’ They are going through their own process of dealing with a heartbreaking situation. That should be respected at all costs. “She wants to meet them? She wants to get her foot in the door and make her presence loud and clear. Very selfish. “And see his wife? What is she thinking? This is his journey and he has chosen to care well for his wife and respect her and their continuing relationship. The relationship has changed but it is still a relationship.” Ruthie should not go visit the wife Sharon: “He should divorce his wife legally, making him free to date. He can continue to visit as a friend. The new woman should not be introduced to her as it might be traumatic.” Karla, “I kept asking myself, "Why would you want to visit her?" Then, Tom asked the same thing. Maybe it's because she wants to be reassured that the wife is really as ‘far gone’ as he says? He visits her every day, and sometimes 3x a day, so I'm thinking they still have conversations. I might date a man like that for companionship, but I'd keep my options open.” Mark, “My first thought was, unless the wife is so far gone that she is completely unaware of the identities of the persons involved, it would be cruel to the wife for the new girl friend to participate in the visits. Also unnecessary. If she wants to become known to the children as part of the family, there must be other ways to do it.” For Ruthie, things are not going to change Lillian, “This sound like a very high-risk relationship for Ruthie to be in. I do not think she should be expecting to visit his wife and the fact that the children at this point cannot accept her is another huge red flag. There is a very strong chance than once this man's wife dies (and this could be a long time) he will move on to another relationship; one that his kids can accept. They may never accept her, because she is the 'other woman.' Joanie, “He will make NO CHANGES, so Ruthie has to decide what she wishes to do. Does she want to stay in the background and be the ‘other woman? Have his kids shun her?  And accept the fact that this man WILL NOT make a life with Ruthie until his wife dies. Time, age and her needs are against this! In other words, it is waiting for the wife to die!    He is just a lonely guy and if Ruthie ends the relationship, he will find some other woman (immediately) who is willing to put up with the second-class life he is offering. He wants to ‘end his own loneliness,’ not contribute to a new woman's life.  On the other hand, there are not many men out there! So the answer to this dilemma really comes down to ‘what does Ruthie want for herself in her own life, what kind of relationship does she want. Is she able to play the second-class waiting game and feel good about it all?" Crislinn, “Giving someone an ultimatum does not usually end in the giver’s favor. He says he loves her and talks about a future. If she feels the same, can't this be enough for now? What purpose would it serve for Ruthie to visit his wife? From her comments it seems she feels it may give her a better understanding on how long she needs to wait for the marriage to end in death. Just continue to enjoy each other now and slowly move into the future. Slowly he may feel comfortable not visiting multiple times a day or even skip a day if you make an overnight trip to another nearby city. His children are grieving for their mom. She's still here even if she doesn't always know them. That's why it's hard for them to think about their stepdad replacing her. Eventually one of them will be more accepting. Don't do anything. There is no point to it. Just be accepting to the situation. His wife is no threat to your future unless you make it one. Maria, “I don't think it's our place to judge the man's reaching out on a dating site, frankly, as I can't imagine the loneliness of going through this with a loved one. The woman went into this knowing all the facts. I hope she honors him and his family in what has to transpire in time --- more time than she likes.   “She would be wise to accept and just give support to the man in the background while he and his family go through a very difficult time. She can do that by being a good friend, respecting the children's emotional trauma that this disease causes within a family--this is their mom after all--she may not be all there, but they are. The man reached out for friendship and she accepted the circumstances--he was honest.   “I think her complaining is a bit on the selfish side. Loving someone is also honoring the other. My advice is for her to try to step in the shoes of the children and understand their point of view. Going to the home is like pushing herself in before Mom is gone--why would she want to? “She doesn't sound secure in her relationship with this man at all and that might be her motive to cement the relationship by physically being present at the home. If she can't wait respectfully, it's not love, but neediness.  Maybe she should find love elsewhere in a less complicated situation if she wants to land someone before she gets any older. Marie, “It's not easy for both Ruthie and this man. They need each other's love and understanding. My sister is in the same situation.  Her husband has been in a home for 4 years now. She has a friend and this friend helps her keep her sanity physically morally and emotionally.   “Ruthie, if you really love this man, help him get through this difficult journey... he needs not be pressured. Don't worry, everything will fall into place when the time comes.” Here seems to be the consensus among our Champs: -Ruthie should not visit the wife in the rest home -The situation will not change until someone involved dies. Ruthie needs to accept that, and let it be, or get out -The man should not alienate his stepchildren, and should continue to honor and visit his wife. If he has a friend, that friend and relationship should stay in the background. Remember what the Champ who works in the CCRC said about having a friend, almost half do, but they carry themselves with dignity Tom’s websites: www.FindingLoveAfter60.com www.FindingLoveAfter50.com www.Vicsta.com (website on Victoria Station restaurant chain from the 1970s) www.TravelAfter55.com (senior travel after 55)

Senior dating advice - Text Message Breakup Part 2

On life and love after 50 Newsletter                       April 1, 2016
By Tom P Blake

Senior dating advice: Text Message Breakup Part 2

In Part One, we talk about two senior dating issues that came to light from last week's "Breakup by Text Message" newsletter.

Part 2 - A link to Amazon.com

Part 3 - An update regarding our Facebook page

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Part 1 - Why do we stay in bad relationships?

Most Champs who responded to last week’s newsletter agreed that breaking up by text message is a classless way to bail out. Mary Lou summed up our group’s sentiment perfectly: “What a chicken s*** way to end a relationship.”

And Stella said, “Breaking up via text: once a frog, always a frog. You can kiss them for all eternity, and they will always be a frog!”

Mindy added, “Time for the modern-day ‘Dear John’ letter! There will always be people who don’t want the drama of break up—no lectures, or tears, they just want out in the easiest way possible. Immature, yes, disrespectful, yes…but effective.”

As the newsletter responses came in, two bigger senior-dating issues came to light: First, why do seniors put up with or remain in relationships that aren’t right for them?

I reread the email from the woman who had received the breakup text messages. She had written that the two guys didn’t make her a high-enough priority: “I wasn't demanding that I came before all else in their lives but to be a little higher up on the food chain.”

She stated that when she brought up the subject of being a higher priority to them, that is when she saw their behavior toward her start changing for the worse.     

She wrote, “With each of the relationships, career work for these senior men was a serious top priority. Ok, I get it, no big deal but you did say you wanted a relationship, right? Gotta give and take.”

In my book, “Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do,” 

                                                 

I recommend a list of the qualities one might seek in a mate. My most important quality: your mate should be willing to make you the top priority in his or her life. And, of course, in return, you must make your mate the top priority.This is a major key to a happy relationship. 

If the person you are dating doesn't make you a high enough priority, why do you stay in the relationship? And, why did she stay in those relationships?

After last week’s newsletter was published, the text-message-breakup lady sent me a second email, which revealed even more about the men she had been dating.

She said, “In the most recent relationship, his being OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) was growing like a monster. He went from sharing a house with his mother to having his own apartment, which I happily found for him and helped him settle in, at his request.

“I also knew we would never live together; it would never work. I was ok with that. With the new apartment nothing could be out of place or he would get upset. That's where I think he was beginning to think I was going to come in and change things.”

So, why did she stay in the relationship?
  
She also stated, “From his having issues with Mommy Dearest, I was seeing the mistrust he felt with the women in his life, me included.”

Again, why did she stay?

I think more than anything, her pride was hurt because these men broke up by text message. My guess is she will get over being dumped by these two guys rather quickly; she might even see that these guys did her a big favor, which is the second lesson that evolved from last week’s newsletter:

Lesson 2: Often, when seniors get dumped, this might turn out for that person to be a great favor (because the relationship wasn’t going to work in the long run so better it ended now).

Champ Debbi had that experience. She wrote, “I live in a senior community and met a member of the male persuasion (can no longer call him a gentleman or a man) while walking our dogs. After several years as dog-walking friends, we started dating.

“After six months, he stopped calling. I contacted him after the first few days of silence and was told we were fine, that he was ‘just being weird right now.’  

“After three months of silence we ran into each other. He said, ‘I have to call you some time and talk about what happened. I'm sorry for my behavior, I'm just weird.”  

Debbi said, “I walked away laughing, figured I dodged a big bullet with this one. I've heard better lines from high schoolers.”

By giving Debbi the silent treatment, this guy did Debbi a big favor and she realized it just three months after the silent treatment began.

I had a similar situation happen to me (long before text messages existed). On Christmas Eve, 1993, my wife of six years cleaned out the house and left with no notice or warning. I was damned angry. But, it turns out she did me the greatest favor anyone has ever done for me, although at the time I didn’t see it that way. Her action left the door open for Greta to enter my life. We’ve been together for 18 years.

As often happens in life, opportunity arises out of adversity.

The woman who received the two breakup text messages said, “Now I have to accept things and move on, never to know the reasons for the breakups. I can only make my own deductions.”

I have to add, she should also say, “Thanks guys for doing me a great favor, even though you broke up in a chicken s*** way (as Mary Lou described at the top of the newsletter). Now I can move on and make my life better.” That's what she needs to focus on going forward.

And finally, I have a buddy I've known for years. He recently dated a woman for 18 months. It was an up and down relationship. He took her to Las Vegas for her birthday, treated her to the Celine Dion show and tried to make it a special occasion for her. Three days later, she broke up by text message. He's happier now than he's ever been. The text message breakup did him a big favor. 
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Part 2 - To order "Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do," follow this link to Amazon.Com:http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Love-After-50-Begin/dp/0972796606/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1459434162&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+love+after+50

If you want an autographed copy, at a better price, email me atTom@tompblake.com, which is a new email address for me. 
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Part 3 - Facebook page - Several of you (there are 470 members) have had questions about the longevity of the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page. Here is the skinny: I do not plan to shut it down, although that is what I said two months ago because it was becoming too much of a personal FB page for a few individuals. Recently, the posts have been pretty normal so I see no need to close it. I do not want to appoint administrators as I am quite concerned about the people who ask to become members--too many questionable profiles that would concern me being members of our group. I have no problem with people starting their own FB page and inviting our members to join. 
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This newsletter, On life and love after 50, is the only newsletter Tom publishes. If you have friends who would like to receive it, they can sign up by going to the following website. It's a little confusing, because the website is Finding Love After 60. The newsletter is On life and love after 50, but this website is where you sign up for it:
 http://www.FindingLoveAfter60.com

Boyfriend's "backup plan" leads to mistrust

On Life and Love newsletter

by: Tom P. Blake September 4, 2015

 

On May 30, 2015, a woman Champ unsubscribed from the newsletter. People unsubscribe from time-to-time for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, they just inadvertently do it and may not be aware they did it until they realize in a couple or three weeks that they aren't receiving it anymore.

Other times people consciously unsubscribe because their health fails, or they don't like what I write, or their lives have changed. The latter was the situation with the Champ who unsubscribed on May 30. She had met a guy, and felt she didn't need the newsletter anymore.

I used to send an email to people who unsubscribed to try to learn why they left, thinking perhaps I could improve the newsletter to reel them back in. Usually they didn't respond so I just let it go. I did not email her to ask why she left, wasn't even aware she was gone.

And while I don't like to lose subscribers, I get it that people's situations change and it's inevitable that sometimes people are going to move on.

So, how did I find out about her meeting a guy?

Damndest thing. I was informed on Monday by Pay Pal that I had sold what I thought was a book via my Finding Love After 60 website bookstore. But, the sales receipt was for $16.95, and of the 4 printed and 6 ebooks on that website, none has that price. Plus the sales receipt didn't identify which book had been sold. I needed to know so I could ship it to her. Hence, I contacted Pay Pal and they were as puzzled as I. But the buyer's email address was listed so I contacted her. 

She told me she was the one who had unsubscribed on May 30 but now she wanted to re-subscribe and had purchased a subscription to this newsletter on my older website, Finding Love After 50. I was amazed because I have not charged for the newsletter for at least 5-6 years. But, apparently that particular page on that website wasn't updated to reflect the no-charge status and that is where she ordered from.

"Why did you come back?" I asked.

She explained, "I unsubscribed because I thought I had found 'the one.' (Met him on Match.com). We started dating in September, 2014, and became exclusive after two months. We had a year of a wonderful, committed, exclusive relationship." (The kind we all strive for).

The rest of her story: When she and her boyfriend had become exclusive in November, she noticed--a week after she had removed her Match profile--that his profile was there. Because of that, she instigated a serious talk with him.

She said, "After much discussion and his panicked apologies, he asked for another chance and I gave it to him since our relationship was so new. He promised I could always check on him and he would never, ever, ever be on the site again unless we broke up. I trusted him and had not even thought about it again."  

Fast forward to August, 2015. 

She said, "From my perspective, he was on his second chance and he blew it big time. I just discovered he was still very active on Match. How did I find out? He handed me his pc to check some air fares for our travel, and the Match icon showed up as a recent website visited on the Google homepage. Much to my surprise he was setting up meetings with several women. He said it was his 'backup plan' and just made him feel good to have a great woman and yet lots of other women who still wanted him in case I ever left.

"I think he sabotaged the relationship because he is too smart to have accidentally forgotten Match was right on the front page. I have heard a similar story from several of my friends. I wonder sometimes if this new world of internet dating makes it too hard to resist compulsive, continued interaction and attention-seeking from the opposite sex for some individuals.

"I suspect there are some people who get 'addicted' to the high of new people approaching them. It's so, so, easy to initiate contact. Like overeating or drinking too much, internet dating becomes the drug of choice, seems like unlimited resources available in one click. I know some people are healthier than this. I hope I find mine some day.

She ended her email with: "He has started counseling, maybe he will find out more about himself. But I am done. Not my problem. Now just to mend my broken heart and be grateful I found out now rather than later. But I'm very, very sad. Back to the market and finding my own joy." 

This is a tough story because our Champ trusted her new man and had every reason to believe that he was the one. Yes, perhaps she should have watched that early-on red flag when she found out he was still on Match.com when he should have been off. Let's hope her broken heart mends soon. I tried to make her feel a little better by reminding her that the $16.95 is being refunded, since the newsletter is now free.  Little consolation, I realize.

A minor take-away from today's story: When you are in a relationship or even a marriage, and you've enjoyed and benefitted from belonging to a group, club, gym, newsletter, or Facebook page, whatever, think twice before opting out because you're now a couple (unless it is an online dating service or a nudist camp), and you feel you don't need to be there anymore. It is important to keep your interests, friends, and learning ongoing, even when you have a new special someone in your life.

Our Champ is back receiving the newsletter, a little worse for wear, but aimed in the right direction.  

Online dating and romance scams

This is the Tom P. Blake "Finding Love after 50" and "Finding Love after 60" newsletter for Friday, July 3, 2015.

Online dating: Success stories and romance scams

My life partner Greta and I were in Costco this week. As we were leaving the store, an older gentleman walked up and asked if I was Tom Blake. He said he had been reading my newspaper articles for years and wanted to know if I'd be willing to give a speech to a retired men's club he belongs to.

"On what topic?" I asked.

"Retirement, and perhaps some dating tips for older guys."

I said I'd be happy to and gave him my business card.

And then he said, "I'm 77 and met my girlfriend on Match.com last year. She lives about an hour away; we see each other several times per week. It is quite an interesting story."

I asked him to email me the details and perhaps I could do a story about them. I like to hear good news stories regarding how older people met because meeting a mate later in life can be difficult. I particularly like hearing about older people who meet via the Internet. When I get his story, I will share it with you.

When I got home, there was an email from Barbara Sluppick, a woman I've known for years, who heads up an organization called Romance Scams.org. She has dedicated more than a decade trying to warn people about the dangers of romance scams.

Romance Scams.org website home page statistics:

Membership as of March 15, 2015: 20,689

Total membership since June 6, 2005: 59,000+

Scammers reported as of May, 2013: 5,529

Scammer photographs submitted as of May, 2013: 10,502

Money Loss reported as of May, 2013: $25,892,000 by 1,813 people

Barbara was excited because she is quoted in a very detailed, heart-wrenching story in the latest AARP magazine about a widow who lost $300,000, her retirement savings, to a scammer. I strongly encourage all Champs to take the time to read this story. We've got to protect our Champs from getting scammed (link below).

So, today we have the good news and bad news sides of Internet dating. My intention is not to make our Champs so leery of using the Internet for dating that they stop using it. After all, there are success stories we keep hearing about. It can be a helpful tool for meeting potential mates. But, I want you to be so educated about it that you will never fall victim to scammers and people who have bad intentions.

That being said, I recommend people who plan to date online or are dating online to also read a post on our Finding Love after 50 Facebook page by Champ Patricia Klages Thomas regarding what she has learned about online dating. She posted it late Tuesday and you can find it there if you are a member of our Facebook group. There is a lot of common sense in her post.

Informational links from today's newsletter:

www.RomanceScams.org   (remember, it is .org and not .com)

AARP article about woman who lost $300,000

http://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/info-2015/online-dating-scam.html

Finding Love after 50 Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/groups/48063349638/

Enjoy your July 4th week-end. Be safe.

Part 2 -Solo travel and Facebook update

A. More about women traveling alone

My sister Pam in San Diego, who often travels alone, sent the names of two books that are helpful for women traveling alone, which both can be found on Amazon.com:

• "A Woman Alone: Travel Tales from Around the Globe" (stories by different authors)

 

• "Nothing to Declare" by Mary Morris

B. Facebook group update

Our closed Facebook group - Finding Love After 50 is up to 98 members and there are now 12 men. There are many sage comments from the members. Heck, I am even learning from what is being posted.

For example, look at Gordon Grimm's comments about marriage later in life on July 1. I agree with him.

And give a big shout out to Larry Coats, the widower from West Texas who so graciously shared his story with us three weeks ago. And now look at him, he's on our Finding Love After 50 Facebook page with a nice photo.

Remember, you must request to join the group and I will approve your request.

Making friends via our Facebook Finding Love after 50 group

Making friends via our  Finding Love after 50 Facebook page

 

by Tom P. Blake

Two weeks ago, we re-activated a Facebook Finding Love After 50 group.

When I asked Champs if they preferred an open, closed, or private group, most voted for closed, where people could see the page, but not read member posts unless they joined the group. To join, I have to approve the member requests. In this way, we improve our chances of keeping people who don't belong out of the group. As of yesterday, we are up to 63 members, six were men.

One woman initially thought if we changed the name of our group to "Finding Love after 50 & 60," more men over age 60 might sign up. But then she changed her mind.

She said, "I now realize that the members are of all different ages and my concern was not valid. I can't thank you enough for reopening the "Finding Love After 50" FB website. Because of this I've been given the opportunity of meeting and getting to know some wonderful people with the same commonality as me which would not have happened otherwise!"

Even though only a few men have joined the group, their posts reflect intelligence and caring. We all can learn from them and the experiences they've had in their lives.

This week, George, from Traverse City, Michigan, posted, "If anyone is considering going on-line or is having very little response to their postings, they should take a hard look at their profile and what it says or does not say. No or little response usually means it is not working.

"In my professional life I worked as an employment specialist and during that time, I worked with hundreds of clients to develop more than 3500 resumes/cover letters, letters of applications, vitas, scholarship application letters and much more.

"I was fortunate to have many hours of training from innovative and talented writers. All emphasized that the sole purpose of an application, or in our case a profile, was to get the reader to respond in a positive manner. No response or rejection indicates your profile is not working because that is the only thing the reader sees about you.

"Once you put your information in your profile, it is there to market or sell who you are and what you are looking for. Make it high-quality, fun, and interesting. Is that not what we are all looking for in a prospective companion or partner?

"The best of responses I have read always leave me with a smile on my face, comfort in responding, and reasonable confidence that the person is genuine, intelligent, and sincere.

"It may seem intrusive to some, but I also researched people that responded. It is amazing what you can find about a person in this modern digital age. Google your own name and city and see what is out there. Also be careful it is the person you are looking for and not another with the same name.

"More times than not, it is good information. After searching my name I see things going back 10 years and activities I was involved in at the college I work for, plus some newspaper articles that mentioned me including family deaths and births. If you are concerned about anyone looking at your information on line…use an alias.

"On-line dating can be very good if you do it effectively and safely. One more thing from this guy; be honest and don’t put your H.S. graduation picture on your profile or your pet's picture. LOL."

We have another man, Art, from Florida, in our Facebook group. He is in a relationship, but has also shared valuable information about how he finally found the woman who is a perfect match for him.

So, even though we'd like to have more guys participate--and we will as time goes on--the ones we have are valuable contributors. Our group is not a dating group, but a friend-finding group. I am going to mention it in my newspaper columns so that should give us a membership boost.

And while we are speaking of single men, a quick update on Larry, the widower from Texas. I am very proud of him. He has established friendships with a few of our Champs, and is getting away from the ranch some and meeting new people. He is on his way to opening up his life.

Part 2 - A word of caution about online dating

In his last paragraph above, George reminded us to be safe in our online dating. He is right. A few months ago I received an email from a public relations firm representing a company called North Star Integrity, that does background searches. The press release quoted the FBI.

"The FBI claims that 'the most common targets (of scammers) are women over 40, who are divorced, widowed, and/or disabled, but every age group and demographic is at risk.

And then the Founder and CEO of North Star Integrity, Stephen Dorr, said, "Online dating fraud is a very real threat and can happen to anyone. The sheer number of scammers has risen dramatically over the past few years. Some may lead their victim on for months or even years to build trust, or they may strike immediately. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to determine who you can and cannot trust."

 

I only mention this about online dating as a reminder to be careful. That doesn't mean you avoid online dating, just be careful.

When you think about it, our Finding Love After 50 Facebook group is a heck of a lot safer than the big online dating companies. We all will be watching each other's backs and having fun sharing stories with each other.

Widower from West Texas wants to restart his life

"On Life and Love After 60" newsletter

by: Tom P. Blake

Widower from West Texas wants to restart his life

I received an interesting email from a 63-year-old widower this week. He would like to meet a nice woman. I am sharing his story and would like Champs to respond to his situation. Who knows? There might be a potential candidate within our group who would enjoy exchanging information with him.

Larry wrote, “I am still trying to restart my life; my wife of 40 years died of lung cancer in early February. I’m coming to terms with my new reality, slowly, and have decided that living alone for x number of years is not for me.

“My problem is that I live in a very small town in a rural area of West Texas, and consequently, my prospects here (of meeting someone) are virtually nonexistent.

“Moreover, I can’t move as I am doing my best to preserve my daughter’s inheritance, including a ranch, house, etc. I’ve looked at online dating/matching sites and have been less than impressed with the way they operate. I have told some close friends of my intention to get back into dating and hope they may eventually be able to help.

“As it stands now, I honestly don’t see any practical way of meeting someone who would be remotely interesting (Tom’s words: “or who would be interested in such a remote environment).”

“I am just wondering if I’ve overlooked other options, angles, etc. I am 63, but feel 43, am a retired US Army officer, a volunteer firefighter, have one adult, married daughter. Would appreciate your advice as I feel like I have hit a wall.”

Tom’s response: Larry, let’s look at the positives in your situation:

- First, you were a good husband who stood by your wife for 40 years. Be proud of that and realize she would want you to be happy so pursue being happy with her blessing.

-At 63, you are young and since you feel like 43, you are likely in great physical shape. An attribute that single women appreciate.

-As a retired Army officer, you likely have a pension and you own property so you likely are financially ok. That is another plus.

-And most important, you realize you don’t want to spend your remaining years by yourself. Your grief is lifting a bit. As Gloria Estefan sang after her tour bus crashed, “Coming out of the dark.”

So, you have a lot going for you.

But, you are shackled by your own thinking. That is understandable with what you have gone through; after all, your wife has only been gone for four months. But you can change your thinking and I feel you are taking the first steps to do that.

Yes, it will be very difficult to find a woman under the circumstances you described because there aren’t many who live near you. And, if you did find someone, would you be interested in her? And would she be willing to live so remotely? And since you don’t want to use Internet dating, you are going to have to go where the women are.

So, rethink using the Internet for dating. Dab in it, give it a try, and see for yourself. Maybe start with Match.com. Don’t expect miracles.

Next, preserving your daughter’s inheritance. Do not sacrifice your chance at being happy by remaining a hermit or recluse. That is ridiculous. Work something out with her. Let her and her family take over the ranch now, and you get away and travel or go live in a city like Dallas or Houston. Have an agreement that you can always come home and stay for a while. Maybe they can pay you a stipend or work out some other arrangement.

If she is not willing to do that, then she probably doesn’t want the ranch after all, so consider renting or selling it so you are not shackled by having to stay there just for her.

The most important thing you can do is to get away from the ranch, take some trips, take a cruise, go visit some old Army buddies, and expand your life. By using the Internet for dating, you might meet a woman in another city or state and you could go visit her. I bet Joanne from Albuquerque, whom we wrote about last week, would be willing to show you around her city.

Your fate now is in your hands. Make it a priority to get away. I imagine there will be some women Champs who would enjoy corresponding with you. If they email me, I will forward their emails to you. Please keep us informed. Another option for Larry is to read my ebook, Widower Dating: Gold mine or Mine Field. The book can be found on smashwords.com, or in the bookstore at the link on the Finding Love After 60 website.

Link to Finding love after 60 website