Why I keep writing this newsletter

On Life and Love after 50 newsletter

 

By Tom P. Blake   October 16, 2015

Writing newspaper columns for 23 years and this newsletter for 15+ years has rewarded me with friendships and benefits I could  not visualize when I wrote my first article. The most recent example is the Facebook page.

We started the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page about four months ago at the request of a few Champs who wanted to be able to exchange photos and messages with each other. I thought maybe 100 or so would sign up. For me, two surprises came from starting the page.

First surprise: Approximately 445 people are currently on the page, a far cry from the anticipated 100. Most are newsletter Champs; some came from friend referrals and others found their way to us from the outside world. I see fresh, new names appearing each day as well.

Some bad apples have slipped through our FB security controls but you Champs are diligent and have helped by letting me know when someone is suspicious. For example, Jackie Laird, Linda Traylor, Joanne Popp, Janice Bowlin, Gail Metter Swain, Carolyn Cornelius, Zelda Quinn and Rosemarie Friese Kerr patrol our FB site like the California Highway Patrol polices the freeways, helping to keep us safe.

The second surprise has come from discovering the high quality of our newsletter Champs and Facebook members. If one scans the posts on the FB page, there are great topics being talked about by intelligent and experienced people. There is a wealth of information on the page coming from people all over the country, and from some foreign countries as well.

And new discussion threads are started by the FB members when they feel the need, without prompting by me, which I think is terrific.

For example, I love the subject that Gina Woodruff, Long Beach, California, has been sharing with us, about learning to venture out and travel on her own. This is a 50-year-old single woman making these trips. This takes “gumption” as FB member Sandra Lee so succinctly put it. And I think a lot of us are learning from Gina’s posts. Below are some snippets that Gina has written:

“A dating story: This past week I was in New York for an event for just three days and I had a date on my last day. I met a guy on Weds. night at Starbucks…” And then Gina described the date.
She also wrote: “I love train rides! I visited Boston and took the 4-hour journey by train to NY then from NY to Philadelphia. It was lovely!”

On another post, Gina said, “This past week, my second trip was to Vancouver, Canada. This was my first visit to Canada. I stayed at a hotel on Davie St. with an abundance of quaint restaurants, shops, coffee houses and bakeries. It was a beautiful walk to a park and ocean/harbor…” She went on to describe her Vancouver visit.

Gina also said, “…I am finding that great ways to practice initiating conversations with people are in taxis, elevators, subways, airports and coffee houses. I used to think it was hard meeting new people.

“What I have discovered is I was reading people all wrong. I would see someone and assume they were unfriendly and didn't want to be bothered. On my plane ride over the guy next to me in the middle seat…I am discovering that there are people everywhere...I just needed to look up and say something!”

Gina’s venturing out solo into the world reminds me of the wonderful story that Zoe, our Champ from England, shared with us last year when she walked the Camino de Santiago trail from France across Spain to the city of Santiago de Compostela--on her own with a pack on her back.

Gina added, “I believe the universe is showing me signs that I am getting closer to a relationship. Not him (a guy she had met) but someone.” And she said in a FB post to Christine Baumgartner, “I now believe that there is no shortage of good men.”

And speaking of Christine Baumgartner, we are blessed to have her as a newsletter Champ and a member of our Facebook group. She has years of relationship counseling and experience. She uses that experience to make very informed and astute observations that can be helpful to others. She also is a widow and knows how difficult that can be. She has talked openly and personally about losing her husband on the FB page as well.

On the touchy subject of sex (the subject one male Champ accused me of tiptoeing around), Christine said, “The first step is to figure out if you even want to have sex with him (usually a man won't take you out if he doesn't want to eventually have sex with you) so it's up to you to decide. What I've found is as you start to get to know each other better and you feel open to being more physical with him you can then start talking about what each of you want and like in a physical relationship…”

 Heck, you have to pay for that kind of advice if you go to see a therapist and here Christine is dispensing it from the goodness of her heart on our FB page.

By the way, I personally know Gina, Christine and Gail Metter Swain and they are three of the finest women you’ll ever meet. I have high respect for them and admire their tenacity.

And then we have great men contributing to the FB page: Gordon Grimm, John Johnson, Joel Blackwell, Art Schmall, Terry Johnson and Neils Andrews—just to name a few (I apologize if I left anybody out). These men are sharing their male points-of-view, which are hard to come by these days. Older guys are usually too reticent to speak up.

My point in all of this is to illustrate the wealth of information and people on our pages sharing stories and experiences from which we all can learn. It’s not the biggest group in the world but for the quality of individuals we can’t be beat. There are stories of hope, inspiration, frustration and loneliness.

Oh yes, we will have the occasional turkey chimes in and make some silly accusation or frustration about somebody else on the site, but we are all only human and sometimes say things we haven’t thought through. Let’s just keep that petty stuff to a minimum. Do not let someone’s negative attitude or comments drag you down. Kill ‘em with kindness as they say.

When you step back and think about belonging to this elite group, to which all of you Champs are a part, we are blessed. Where else can you find a group of friends, ages 50-90+, from such a diversity of locations and walks of life, who share such a common bond while aging together?

I am proud to be your conduit of information. And that is why I keep writing the newsletter.

Online dating and romance scams

This is the Tom P. Blake "Finding Love after 50" and "Finding Love after 60" newsletter for Friday, July 3, 2015.

Online dating: Success stories and romance scams

My life partner Greta and I were in Costco this week. As we were leaving the store, an older gentleman walked up and asked if I was Tom Blake. He said he had been reading my newspaper articles for years and wanted to know if I'd be willing to give a speech to a retired men's club he belongs to.

"On what topic?" I asked.

"Retirement, and perhaps some dating tips for older guys."

I said I'd be happy to and gave him my business card.

And then he said, "I'm 77 and met my girlfriend on Match.com last year. She lives about an hour away; we see each other several times per week. It is quite an interesting story."

I asked him to email me the details and perhaps I could do a story about them. I like to hear good news stories regarding how older people met because meeting a mate later in life can be difficult. I particularly like hearing about older people who meet via the Internet. When I get his story, I will share it with you.

When I got home, there was an email from Barbara Sluppick, a woman I've known for years, who heads up an organization called Romance Scams.org. She has dedicated more than a decade trying to warn people about the dangers of romance scams.

Romance Scams.org website home page statistics:

Membership as of March 15, 2015: 20,689

Total membership since June 6, 2005: 59,000+

Scammers reported as of May, 2013: 5,529

Scammer photographs submitted as of May, 2013: 10,502

Money Loss reported as of May, 2013: $25,892,000 by 1,813 people

Barbara was excited because she is quoted in a very detailed, heart-wrenching story in the latest AARP magazine about a widow who lost $300,000, her retirement savings, to a scammer. I strongly encourage all Champs to take the time to read this story. We've got to protect our Champs from getting scammed (link below).

So, today we have the good news and bad news sides of Internet dating. My intention is not to make our Champs so leery of using the Internet for dating that they stop using it. After all, there are success stories we keep hearing about. It can be a helpful tool for meeting potential mates. But, I want you to be so educated about it that you will never fall victim to scammers and people who have bad intentions.

That being said, I recommend people who plan to date online or are dating online to also read a post on our Finding Love after 50 Facebook page by Champ Patricia Klages Thomas regarding what she has learned about online dating. She posted it late Tuesday and you can find it there if you are a member of our Facebook group. There is a lot of common sense in her post.

Informational links from today's newsletter:

www.RomanceScams.org   (remember, it is .org and not .com)

AARP article about woman who lost $300,000

http://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/info-2015/online-dating-scam.html

Finding Love after 50 Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/groups/48063349638/

Enjoy your July 4th week-end. Be safe.

Part 2 -Solo travel and Facebook update

A. More about women traveling alone

My sister Pam in San Diego, who often travels alone, sent the names of two books that are helpful for women traveling alone, which both can be found on Amazon.com:

• "A Woman Alone: Travel Tales from Around the Globe" (stories by different authors)

 

• "Nothing to Declare" by Mary Morris

B. Facebook group update

Our closed Facebook group - Finding Love After 50 is up to 98 members and there are now 12 men. There are many sage comments from the members. Heck, I am even learning from what is being posted.

For example, look at Gordon Grimm's comments about marriage later in life on July 1. I agree with him.

And give a big shout out to Larry Coats, the widower from West Texas who so graciously shared his story with us three weeks ago. And now look at him, he's on our Finding Love After 50 Facebook page with a nice photo.

Remember, you must request to join the group and I will approve your request.

Making friends via our Facebook Finding Love after 50 group

Making friends via our  Finding Love after 50 Facebook page

 

by Tom P. Blake

Two weeks ago, we re-activated a Facebook Finding Love After 50 group.

When I asked Champs if they preferred an open, closed, or private group, most voted for closed, where people could see the page, but not read member posts unless they joined the group. To join, I have to approve the member requests. In this way, we improve our chances of keeping people who don't belong out of the group. As of yesterday, we are up to 63 members, six were men.

One woman initially thought if we changed the name of our group to "Finding Love after 50 & 60," more men over age 60 might sign up. But then she changed her mind.

She said, "I now realize that the members are of all different ages and my concern was not valid. I can't thank you enough for reopening the "Finding Love After 50" FB website. Because of this I've been given the opportunity of meeting and getting to know some wonderful people with the same commonality as me which would not have happened otherwise!"

Even though only a few men have joined the group, their posts reflect intelligence and caring. We all can learn from them and the experiences they've had in their lives.

This week, George, from Traverse City, Michigan, posted, "If anyone is considering going on-line or is having very little response to their postings, they should take a hard look at their profile and what it says or does not say. No or little response usually means it is not working.

"In my professional life I worked as an employment specialist and during that time, I worked with hundreds of clients to develop more than 3500 resumes/cover letters, letters of applications, vitas, scholarship application letters and much more.

"I was fortunate to have many hours of training from innovative and talented writers. All emphasized that the sole purpose of an application, or in our case a profile, was to get the reader to respond in a positive manner. No response or rejection indicates your profile is not working because that is the only thing the reader sees about you.

"Once you put your information in your profile, it is there to market or sell who you are and what you are looking for. Make it high-quality, fun, and interesting. Is that not what we are all looking for in a prospective companion or partner?

"The best of responses I have read always leave me with a smile on my face, comfort in responding, and reasonable confidence that the person is genuine, intelligent, and sincere.

"It may seem intrusive to some, but I also researched people that responded. It is amazing what you can find about a person in this modern digital age. Google your own name and city and see what is out there. Also be careful it is the person you are looking for and not another with the same name.

"More times than not, it is good information. After searching my name I see things going back 10 years and activities I was involved in at the college I work for, plus some newspaper articles that mentioned me including family deaths and births. If you are concerned about anyone looking at your information on line…use an alias.

"On-line dating can be very good if you do it effectively and safely. One more thing from this guy; be honest and don’t put your H.S. graduation picture on your profile or your pet's picture. LOL."

We have another man, Art, from Florida, in our Facebook group. He is in a relationship, but has also shared valuable information about how he finally found the woman who is a perfect match for him.

So, even though we'd like to have more guys participate--and we will as time goes on--the ones we have are valuable contributors. Our group is not a dating group, but a friend-finding group. I am going to mention it in my newspaper columns so that should give us a membership boost.

And while we are speaking of single men, a quick update on Larry, the widower from Texas. I am very proud of him. He has established friendships with a few of our Champs, and is getting away from the ranch some and meeting new people. He is on his way to opening up his life.

Part 2 - A word of caution about online dating

In his last paragraph above, George reminded us to be safe in our online dating. He is right. A few months ago I received an email from a public relations firm representing a company called North Star Integrity, that does background searches. The press release quoted the FBI.

"The FBI claims that 'the most common targets (of scammers) are women over 40, who are divorced, widowed, and/or disabled, but every age group and demographic is at risk.

And then the Founder and CEO of North Star Integrity, Stephen Dorr, said, "Online dating fraud is a very real threat and can happen to anyone. The sheer number of scammers has risen dramatically over the past few years. Some may lead their victim on for months or even years to build trust, or they may strike immediately. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to determine who you can and cannot trust."

 

I only mention this about online dating as a reminder to be careful. That doesn't mean you avoid online dating, just be careful.

When you think about it, our Finding Love After 50 Facebook group is a heck of a lot safer than the big online dating companies. We all will be watching each other's backs and having fun sharing stories with each other.