Senior Online Dating: Two women, two different experiences

Senior online dating: Two women: two different experiences

By Tom Blake

Online dating is one of the tools seniors can use for meeting a mate. Two women contacted me this week, sharing their vastly different online dating experiences. One found success; the other frustration.

Cheryl said, “I would like to share my recent good fortune and experience with online dating. I began corresponding with a widower in October, 2015, on the dating site OK Cupid, which allows subscribers to write detailed information on their profile and also offers thousands of questions that can be answered on a variety of topics. I have been divorced twice. 

‘When we started corresponding, he had answered nearly 500 questions, and I had answered over 600, and we both had added comments to many of our answers. So we already knew a lot about each other.  

“We remained on the site communicating for a few weeks before moving to personal emails, both agreed to progress slowly and eventually we moved to phone calls and then to Skype. This occurred over a period of several months.  

“Early on, I verified information he gave me (checked his website and ‘Googled’ him). Our correspondence enabled us to learn more about each other and gain confidence in our relationship. We are both 69 and live 600 miles apart. When I flew to meet him in April, there were no surprises. We totally enjoyed each other's company and made a commitment to continue to develop our relationship.  

“He drove to my home in July. We spent two and a half weeks together during which time he met my family, friends, and my church family.

Everyone ‘approved’ of him! We have been blessed to have found love and have made a commitment to travel ‘the rest of the journey’ together.  

“Our correspondence and willingness to be totally open and honest with each other along with both of us wanting a long-term relationship were the keys to our success.”

Cheryl’s point about both of them wanting a long-term relationship is vital to relationship success. Also, she and her man emphasized the benefit of using Skype before meeting in person.

She said, “Skype enables each person to see the other's facial reactions and enhances the intimacy of the communication. We both feel that Skyping before meeting in person made us feel much more comfortable with each other when we did meet than if we hadn't Skyped.  

“During my 15 months online, I encountered some suspected scammers, whom I reported to the site. But I also met and/or communicated with some really nice, caring men. My online dating experience was very positive. I will be moving to live with him in September.

“He often says, ‘life sings,’ and we feel very lucky to be singing a duet.”

The second woman, Annise, was married 25 years before becoming a widow six years ago. After many online dating attempts, she met a wonderful man who later died in a plane crash.

She said, “I jumped back on the Internet and have met and dated a few interesting and scary fellows, including a lawyer, who wore more jewelry than I, a convicted felon, a recovering alcoholic who is mixed up with lots of baggage, a man who prefers non-English speaking women because they are more subservient, and many other characters. Anyway, I’ve been trying!  

She said, “Yikes! What am I doing wrong? Being widowed, I have a better than average appreciation for time; that ‘Life is short’ jingle is brutally true. I would rather spend time in a relationship than spend time in online dating.”

Despite the tragedies that Annise has endured, she continues to have a sense of humor and zest for life. One of her requirements of the men she is meeting: “He cannot be at war with his ex.”

Internet-wise, the only suggestion I have is she might try other dating websites to avoid meeting so many bizarre characters. Other than that, Annise’s energy, positive attitude, resiliency, and determination to never give up looking for a mate are what it takes to find success in senior dating.

Seniors who use the Internet for dating should proceed slowly, and must be prepared for any quirk that might surface. But love can be found, as Cheryl experienced.

 Email: tompblake@gmail.com.

San Clemente Times August 11 2016

Dana Point Times August 12 2016 Senior Internet Dating

The Capistrano Dispatch August 12 2016, Senior Internet Dating

Adversity inspires San Clemente, California, woman to write book

Picket Fence Media week of July 18 - 25

On Life and Love after 50

Column by Tom P Blake

Adversity inspires San Clemente woman to write a book

The underlying message in my previous article--opportunity often arises from adversity—struck a chord with several readers.

Karen, San Clemente, who has had heavy adversity in her life, emailed a response that inspired me.

She wrote, “Your last article focusing on opportunity and adversity had an impact on me. I fit your over-50 profile.”

Karen married her college sweetheart the summer after they graduated in 1976. They had two sons. She loved being a homemaker.

She said, “My husband Mike climbed the corporate ladder. Our lifestyle got bigger and better. Then Mike was diagnosed with cancer at age 39 and was given 3-4 years to live. That was unacceptable to us. We'd heard about bone marrow transplantation, and decided to go for it. So we swapped the death sentence for a life sentence. 

“Mike's goal was to help his young sons grow to manhood. He lived for 18 years after the transplant. He lost the career, so we swapped roles and I became the bread winner. Forget about feminism and the women's movement; it was time for me to change gears and pay some bills.

“At age 56, I was widowed. I had two amazing sons, a promising career, good health, and a tremendous desire to live my life to its fullest. I took care of myself, attended support groups, and eventually found myself leading them.

“After a few years, I had revved up the career, joined Match.com, gained two beautiful daughters-in-law, changed careers, joined networking groups, sold the house, and moved to the beach. I had two astounding grandbabies, traveled, dated some wonderful men, retired, and got active in Toastmasters and Rotary. I worked my body/mind 4-5 times per week, gave motivational speeches, joined Meetup.com, and cherished some unbelievable friends.”

Karen said her friends often told her she should write a book. But she balked, she felt people wouldn’t want to read about her sad story, even though she had overcome adversity.

“And then,” Karen said, “my older son, Donovan, died of cancer last summer at age 37. Adversity? I got it. Sometimes, I think I'm way over-qualified in the adversity department.

"Your article, In Life, Opportunity Often Arises from Adversity, made me think, maybe I should write a book. Not only for myself, but for others. I believe I have the passion and the ability to write. I was sitting in sunlight when I started this message. Now I'm in the dark.

“I could use some advice. Have you ever thought about mentoring someone?” 

I responded to Karen: “Yes, you are ‘over qualified’ in the adversity department. My heart goes out to you, and your courage with what you have been through.

“Sometimes we don't see the opportunity that arises until time has passed, and that is what is happening with you. It likely is time for you to write your book.

“You have walked the walk, losing both your husband and son. You are an expert on this topic. Writing can be cathartic and helpful to you and to others who have faced adversity or are doing so now. Plus, you are energetic and have a creative way with words.

“As far as mentoring you in writing, yes, I can help get you started in the right direction.”

Karen said she will start writing; she already has a working title for a book. She explained how that came about: “Last summer I was sitting in the street at a small-town parade with my two-year-old grandson sitting in my lap. He was SO darned excited to see another vehicle with flashing lights. Out of his beautiful mouth: ‘Nana, look at what's coming!’ Yep, that's the title: Look at What's Coming.”

We look forward to Karen sharing her book with the world.

This article appeared in:

San Juan Capistrano Dispatch

Dana Point Times

San Clemente Times

In life, opportunity often arises from adversity

On Life and Love after 50 Newsletter for July 8, 2016

Senior issues: In life, opportunity often arises from adversity

By Tom P Blake

Today’s newsletter begins my 23^rd year of writing about finding love after 50. My first newspaper column appeared on July 4, 1994, in a local Dana Point, California, newspaper. Some Champs know how this all came about but a lot don’t so that’s what we are going to write about today.

Back then, I wasn’t a writer, just a guy who owned Tutor and Spunky’s, the Dana Point deli I had opened in 1988. On Christmas Eve, 1993, my life changed dramatically when my wife of six years--without informing me of her intentions--cleaned out the house and moved away. I was so surprised and shocked that I started keeping a journal to try to gather my thoughts and figure out what the hell had happened and why I didn’t see it coming.

It was one of those unexpected curve balls that life pitches at you that you cannot be prepared for. Almost all of our Champs have had one of those pitches tossed at them as well at various stages of their lives.

In early 1994, an unknown man came into the deli during a busy lunchtime, and in front of a few customers and employees, said, “Are you Tom Blake?” I smiled and said yes, thinking we had a new customer. He handed me an envelope, saying, “You are formally being served with divorce papers.”

That was insult being added to injury. I chased him out of the deli with a breadknife but he was gone in a flash. Soon, I became single, free to date again. I added the events of each day to my journal.

I thought mid-life dating was going to be easy. After all, I owned a deli in a So Cal beach town where lots of attractive women came in for lunch wearing bikinis, and other beach garb, many of them half my age or less.

I quickly discovered that southern Orange County women had no interest in dating a newly divorced, 53-year-old guy, who was bitter at how the divorce gods had treated him. I am surprised I didn’t alienate every woman customer that entered the place and decided to stop asking women customers out altogether. With every failed dating experience, I added to the journal.

After six months, my journal had grown to more than 100 pages. I converted it to a short story. I naively queried Playboy, Esquire and the New York Times, thinking they might be interested in story about a divorced man’s dating woes.

Eventually, two women editors of the Dana Point paper agreed to review my material. They felt that single women in Southern California would have a field day taking pot shots at my woe-is-me, feeling-sorry-for-myself, age-50+ single-guy-can’t-get-a-date, saga.

The two editors gave me my first writing opportunity, and they were right. After my initial column appeared, which was titled, “Home alone with only dogs for company,” a woman wrote in, “Who is this sniveling puke?” Another said, “Get the boy a crying towel.” The column soon appeared in 10 local area newspapers and for eight years in The Orange County Register, which at the time, was the nation’s 20^th largest newspaper.

In June, 1998, I met Greta, my life partner. Women readers told me that my writing became less controversial and more palatable after she entered my life. And I stopped complaining in my writing that I had to pay for the dates.

Now, in 2016, I’ve written approximately 3,500 articles and newsletters on finding love after 50; writing on this topic has been good to me. I’ve published four books and have been interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show and Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America—humbling experiences for a deli guy.

In 2011, Norb Garrett, the CEO of  Picket Fence Media, the publisher of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch, invited me to write for his newspapers. In my 23 years of writing, I have never been associated with such a hard-working, friendly and warm group of people. My columns appear in those papers twice a month.

My writing scope has broadened from the early days of strictly writing about finding love after 50, to including “On life and love after 50,” as older singles deal with personal issues often beyond the scope of just dating and seeking love.

When I first started writing, Internet dating hadn’t been invented yet, and now, seniors routinely break up by text message.

My advice is applicable to people age 45 to 90. Yes, I do know people in their 90s who have found love. One of our most prolific Champs in contacting me is Shirley, aka the wise bird of Manhattan, so dating and seeking love doesn’t end at 80.

While my articles target singles, approximately 35 percent of my readers are married. Many tell me that reading about the hardships singles endure encourages them to appreciate their spouses more and to work harder at making their marriages last. My advice to married couples is usually pretty simple: stay together and work out the issues.

The most valuable lesson I’ve learned from this writing experience: opportunity often arises from adversity and it’s up to us as individuals to recognize the opportunity and make the best of it, although we may not see or understand it until months or years later.

I hear this message repeated often as Champs write me and talk about how they found opportunity and capitalized on it after experiencing adversity.

I enjoy hearing from our Champs. Your comments, questions and observations are the meat and potatoes that help keep the newsletter ongoing.

Email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will respond quickly.

Dana Point Times July 8 2016

San Clemente Times July 7 2016

The Capistrano Dispatch July 8 2016 (San Juan Capistrano)

Senior cyclist leaves no carbon footprint

On Life and Love After 50 newsletter

February 12, 2016

by Tom P. Blake

Senior cyclist leaves no carbon footprint

I met John Bates in Dana Point, California, in 1990 in the parking lot of the Dana Niguel Bank, which is now the Pacific Western Bank. My deli, Tutor and Spunky’s, and other local restaurants, were serving food at an outdoor Chamber of Commerce mixer.

John has always been interested in local transportation. In 1990, he was a commissioner on the Dana Point Traffic Improvement Commission. I recall him telling me that day, “Our first recommendation was to get rid of Caltrans and return to two-way traffic on PCH and Del Prado.”

Over the years, John and I have stayed in touched. Recently we met for coffee in the harbor at Coffee Importers. He is still interested in local transportation, but on more personal level. To get to the harbor from his San Juan Capistrano home, he rode his bicycle.

I asked him how often he rode. John said, “All of the time. Before I retired 12 years ago, I sold my car and used my bike to commute to my Dana Point office my home.”

“Have you always been a bike rider?” I asked.

He said, “I got my first bike at age 8 when my family moved from Los Angeles to Pasadena. That bike was several sizes too large for me. I couldn’t sit on the seat because my feet didn’t reach the pedals, so I rode around all day in a standing position.

“But, I loved the freedom and the extended range that that bike afforded me. I soon learned the streets of Pasadena, the Rose Bowl, Devils Gate Dam, Colorado Blvd and the Rose Parade. I knew it all and thought it was cool.

“I had several bikes during my youth, and graduated from fat balloon-tire cruisers to thin-tire hot racing bikes, and used them all for delivering newspapers and for my basic transportation for years. However, when I turned 16 and got my driver’s license, I put my bike away for several years.

John said when he and his wife Judy had children, they got their son and daughter bicycles as soon as the children were able to ride. The family went on riding trips together, including a three-day trip from their Mission Viejo home to San Diego.

John added, “Years later, when my daughter graduated from the University of San Francisco, she and I rode our bikes from San Francisco to Santa Barbara, a 360-mile trip down Hwy 1 that took six days. She and I still have occasional half-day rides, and always talk about the highlights of our six-day trip together.

“Now that I’m retired, I bought a battery-assisted bicycle, and use my bike to get to and from the Mission San Juan Capistrano, where I’m a volunteer docent, and zip around from Mission Viejo to San Clemente and Dana Point for lunch, coffee meetings, shopping, and various errands.

“At age 78, I consider myself very fortunate to still enjoy cycling. My bike is again my basic transportation, and, even after all these years, I still get a thrill from the freedom that riding a bicycle gives me. I fall off once-in-a- while, but after 70 years of cycling, I’m still in one piece and enjoy every minute on the road.

“By riding my bike instead of driving a car, I get valuable exercise and am pleased that I don’t leave a carbon footprint on the environment. However, I will admit that my wife still has her car and sometimes I ride with her.

“And regarding the 1990 Traffic Improvement Commission recommendation about the two-way traffic in Dana Point, it only took 25 years to make it happen, but we were right…it’s much better for all concerned.”

If more people would follow John’s bike-riding example, our cities might start to resemble European cities such as Amsterdam where bicycles outnumber automobiles. Wouldn’t that be nice!

                                    John Bates and his beloved bicycle      (photo by Tom Blake)

                                      Link to John Bates article in San Clemente Times

                           John Bates article in Dana Point Times

                 John Bates article in San Juan Capistrano Dispatch

Samson Finds a Home

On Life and Love After 50

By Tom P Blake

Samson finds a home

On the night of December 16, my partner Greta and I picked up her granddaughter, Ashley Avalos, and her two great grandchildren, Ava and Anthony, at LAX. They had flown in from North Carolina. We arrived at Greta’s San Clemente home at 10 p.m.

When we opened the front door to enter the house, the five of us were joined by a 150-pound German shepherd, who just walked in with us, right out of the night.

At least he was friendly. He had a collar, but no name tag. I grabbed him by the collar and took him outside in case he had just gotten away from his owners. He was as strong as a horse. One time, he pulled so hard I hit the pavement but held on. 

The street was empty. We walked him around the neighborhood but no one was out looking for him.

Greta telephoned her friend Jane who volunteers at the San Clemente-Dana Point Animal Shelter in San Clemente. Jane suggested we telephone the Shelter but no one answered. A message on their recording gave a number to call the Sheriff. It was 11 p.m. The Sheriff said they could do nothing.

We could not keep the dog at Greta’s home because of the two great grandchildren, and Greta is allergic to dogs. Her backyard is not enclosed. What were we going to do?

The only solution was for me to take him to my Dana Point home and he would stay there with me. I had no idea how comfortable he’d be in the car, let alone the house, or whether he’d devour me on the drive to Dana Point.

We pulled into the garage and I shut the garage door before we got out of the car. At least he couldn’t get out of the house.

He did a full inspection of the house, with me moving breakable things out of the way. I let him inspect the enclosed  backyard.

I decided to sleep downstairs on the couch pull-out bed. All I had to nourish him with was bread and water.

At Midnight, I climbed into bed. He tried to do that as well. I finally got him to lie on the rug next to the bed. He was moving around most of the night. He’d put his nose under my arm every 20 minutes or so. Sleep was scarce that night.

At 3 a.m., I remembered we had one Jimmy Dean’s sausage croissant sandwich in the freezer. I warmed half of it for him. He inhaled it. After that, he settled down and slept from 4 to 6 a.m.

For breakfast, he got the other half of the croissant, again, inhaling it. I had coffee.

My mission: get him safely to the Animal Shelter, where I arrived at 10:15 a.m. No one had called to ask about Samson.

I was assured by one of the workers that he would be adopted after a quarantine period. She said, “He’s a magnificent dog.”

This experience opened my eyes to the wonderful San Clemente - Dana Point Animal Shelter that we are so blessed to have. The volunteers there love dogs and cats. Greta’s volunteer friend Jane sent a picture of him. His name was “Samson.”

That night, I found myself missing that big German shepherd who dragged me around for 12 hours.

I checked with the Shelter three times over the next week. He was still there.

On Tuesday, December 29, Greta and I went to the Shelter to check on Samson. Good news, he was being adopted that day. The new owners had visited him four times before deciding.

We got to see him before he left for his new home. Dog trainer Esther Horn took us to his kennel, and explained all the loving care the animals get there. She said, “Samson’s a big puller.” I couldn’t deny that.

It warmed my heart that this story had such a beautiful ending. Visit and support the San Clemente – Dana Point Animal Shelter. It will touch your heart as well. And maybe even adopt one of those beautiful and lonely animals who just want to go to a home.

                                          Samson the German Shepard  (photo by Tom Blake)

Dana Point Times Jan 8 2016

San Clemente Times Jan 14 2016

San Juan Capistrano Dispatch Jan 8 2016 Samson

Finding Love After 60 website