Senior dating advice - Text Message Breakup Part 2

On life and love after 50 Newsletter                       April 1, 2016
By Tom P Blake

Senior dating advice: Text Message Breakup Part 2

In Part One, we talk about two senior dating issues that came to light from last week's "Breakup by Text Message" newsletter.

Part 2 - A link to Amazon.com

Part 3 - An update regarding our Facebook page

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Part 1 - Why do we stay in bad relationships?

Most Champs who responded to last week’s newsletter agreed that breaking up by text message is a classless way to bail out. Mary Lou summed up our group’s sentiment perfectly: “What a chicken s*** way to end a relationship.”

And Stella said, “Breaking up via text: once a frog, always a frog. You can kiss them for all eternity, and they will always be a frog!”

Mindy added, “Time for the modern-day ‘Dear John’ letter! There will always be people who don’t want the drama of break up—no lectures, or tears, they just want out in the easiest way possible. Immature, yes, disrespectful, yes…but effective.”

As the newsletter responses came in, two bigger senior-dating issues came to light: First, why do seniors put up with or remain in relationships that aren’t right for them?

I reread the email from the woman who had received the breakup text messages. She had written that the two guys didn’t make her a high-enough priority: “I wasn't demanding that I came before all else in their lives but to be a little higher up on the food chain.”

She stated that when she brought up the subject of being a higher priority to them, that is when she saw their behavior toward her start changing for the worse.     

She wrote, “With each of the relationships, career work for these senior men was a serious top priority. Ok, I get it, no big deal but you did say you wanted a relationship, right? Gotta give and take.”

In my book, “Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do,” 

                                                 

I recommend a list of the qualities one might seek in a mate. My most important quality: your mate should be willing to make you the top priority in his or her life. And, of course, in return, you must make your mate the top priority.This is a major key to a happy relationship. 

If the person you are dating doesn't make you a high enough priority, why do you stay in the relationship? And, why did she stay in those relationships?

After last week’s newsletter was published, the text-message-breakup lady sent me a second email, which revealed even more about the men she had been dating.

She said, “In the most recent relationship, his being OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) was growing like a monster. He went from sharing a house with his mother to having his own apartment, which I happily found for him and helped him settle in, at his request.

“I also knew we would never live together; it would never work. I was ok with that. With the new apartment nothing could be out of place or he would get upset. That's where I think he was beginning to think I was going to come in and change things.”

So, why did she stay in the relationship?
  
She also stated, “From his having issues with Mommy Dearest, I was seeing the mistrust he felt with the women in his life, me included.”

Again, why did she stay?

I think more than anything, her pride was hurt because these men broke up by text message. My guess is she will get over being dumped by these two guys rather quickly; she might even see that these guys did her a big favor, which is the second lesson that evolved from last week’s newsletter:

Lesson 2: Often, when seniors get dumped, this might turn out for that person to be a great favor (because the relationship wasn’t going to work in the long run so better it ended now).

Champ Debbi had that experience. She wrote, “I live in a senior community and met a member of the male persuasion (can no longer call him a gentleman or a man) while walking our dogs. After several years as dog-walking friends, we started dating.

“After six months, he stopped calling. I contacted him after the first few days of silence and was told we were fine, that he was ‘just being weird right now.’  

“After three months of silence we ran into each other. He said, ‘I have to call you some time and talk about what happened. I'm sorry for my behavior, I'm just weird.”  

Debbi said, “I walked away laughing, figured I dodged a big bullet with this one. I've heard better lines from high schoolers.”

By giving Debbi the silent treatment, this guy did Debbi a big favor and she realized it just three months after the silent treatment began.

I had a similar situation happen to me (long before text messages existed). On Christmas Eve, 1993, my wife of six years cleaned out the house and left with no notice or warning. I was damned angry. But, it turns out she did me the greatest favor anyone has ever done for me, although at the time I didn’t see it that way. Her action left the door open for Greta to enter my life. We’ve been together for 18 years.

As often happens in life, opportunity arises out of adversity.

The woman who received the two breakup text messages said, “Now I have to accept things and move on, never to know the reasons for the breakups. I can only make my own deductions.”

I have to add, she should also say, “Thanks guys for doing me a great favor, even though you broke up in a chicken s*** way (as Mary Lou described at the top of the newsletter). Now I can move on and make my life better.” That's what she needs to focus on going forward.

And finally, I have a buddy I've known for years. He recently dated a woman for 18 months. It was an up and down relationship. He took her to Las Vegas for her birthday, treated her to the Celine Dion show and tried to make it a special occasion for her. Three days later, she broke up by text message. He's happier now than he's ever been. The text message breakup did him a big favor. 
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Part 2 - To order "Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do," follow this link to Amazon.Com:http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Love-After-50-Begin/dp/0972796606/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1459434162&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+love+after+50

If you want an autographed copy, at a better price, email me atTom@tompblake.com, which is a new email address for me. 
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Part 3 - Facebook page - Several of you (there are 470 members) have had questions about the longevity of the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page. Here is the skinny: I do not plan to shut it down, although that is what I said two months ago because it was becoming too much of a personal FB page for a few individuals. Recently, the posts have been pretty normal so I see no need to close it. I do not want to appoint administrators as I am quite concerned about the people who ask to become members--too many questionable profiles that would concern me being members of our group. I have no problem with people starting their own FB page and inviting our members to join. 
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This newsletter, On life and love after 50, is the only newsletter Tom publishes. If you have friends who would like to receive it, they can sign up by going to the following website. It's a little confusing, because the website is Finding Love After 60. The newsletter is On life and love after 50, but this website is where you sign up for it:
 http://www.FindingLoveAfter60.com

Dating after 50 and beyond can be a challenge

 

On Life and Love After 50 newsletter  by Tom P. Blake

As I read the comments posted to our Finding Love After 50 Facebook group page, I am reminded of what a challenge dating after 50 and beyond, often far beyond (like 60 to 80), can be.

I often hear about dating woes from senior women: the guy who won't pay for the coffee, or who is dressed in his gardening clothes, or who talks non-stop about himself, all of these issues on the first date, or the guy who doesn't want to travel, for example. But dating can be difficult for men as well.

Last week, a friend of 57 years and I had a laugh about a date he had that illustrates my point. He had related this story to me a couple of years ago and I had posted it to one of my websites. Please don't judge it as being demeaning to women, I am simply illustrating that men don't always have a great experience either.

One would think with three million people in Orange County, California--where I live and my friend lives--that a 71-year-old man would be able to find a compatible mate here. My friend has dated a variety of women, hoping to find a permanent partner. But, after his experience, his prospect list shrunk by one.

My friend loves to dance; he says it keeps him sane and helps him stay in shape. He said, “Dancing just makes life work better for me.” Hence, we shall call him Dancing King.

Dancing King arranged to meet his date, a woman fairly close to his age, in the parking lot in front of Polly’s Pies Restaurant, near the Department of Motor Vehicles on Moulton Parkway, in Laguna Hills (I know precisely where this is because after I married my third wife at the Santa Ana, California, courthouse, that Polly's Pies is where we celebrated by having lunch).

Dancing King agreed with his date that she would leave her car in that parking lot and together they would drive to Newport Beach for dinner at a restaurant called Woody’s Wharf, a fixture for 41 years. Probably a 20-25 minute drive. Then, Dancing King would return her to her car and both would return to their respective homes.

The day after the date, Dancing King telephoned me and said, “I am down to one lady on my prospect list after last night's date. It was a Newport Beach night and things went badly when my date's vodka consumption caught up with her after we left Woody’s Wharf. She commented that most of the cars ahead of us had four tail lights. Fortunately, I was behind the wheel and I'd only had a glass of wine.”

Dancing King continued: “We dropped off the keys to her nearby rental property for her son-in-law at the Ritz Carlton Hotel hostess desk. She was fearful of meeting him in her state of inebriation and then was fearful of speaking to him or leaving him a message on the cell phone, but continued to fret and worry that he might not get the keys from the hostess.”

In the car, according to Dancing King, she continued to fret over and over again about the keys not being delivered to her son-in-law. Dancing King told her to please either phone the son-in-law or stop worrying because her ongoing rant was wearing him down.

Her reply: “I hate you.”

Dancing King turned toward her house instead of to where she had left her car. He safely got her to her condo at a well-known community for seniors. But, she couldn’t find her keys in her purse and poured the entire contents of her purse onto her front porch deck. Still no keys.

Dancing King said, “Unable to unlock her door, she crawled through her pet door into her house. I finished unloading the car. I opened her emptied purse one more time and found the keys in one of those small pockets inside where she had placed them an hour earlier.”

“I told her she could call her friend Jane, who lives nearby, in the morning and have Jane drive her to her car in the Polly’s parking lot, or, I would leave her $20 for a cab.

“She dropped the F-bomb and I left immediately. Tell me; is there any hope for this one?”

I replied, “Is the pet door large? Does she own a Great Dane? Or, is she just petite? Any woman who is athletic enough to crawl through her pet door might be a good salsa dancer so perhaps consider giving her another chance.”

He said, "You've got a point there."

I've never had to crawl through a pet door, but I've broken a key off in my lock. We're all human. They've had a few dances together since, usually spotting each other across the floor. They dance well together, but never has a word been mentioned about the Newport Beach night.

Senior dating in Orange County or, anywhere for that matter, isn’t exactly a snap for men either.

 

For more articles:  www.FindingLoveAfter60.com

Senior Dating: Commitment without Marriage

On Life and Love After 60 newsletter

By Thomas P. Blake                 10/31/14

Senior Dating: Commitment without marriage

As a columnist, I receive all kinds of questions from older singles. This week, Nancy, not her real name, emailed, “I’d like to ask you a personal question. Are you married legally to Greta?”

Nancy explained why she wanted to know: “I'm 65, and have a man I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. We've been together on and off for eight years. I don't want to marry legally, but would like some kind of ceremony of committing to each other and so would he.”

“I stayed home raising my ex-husband’s and my children for 25 years. We were divorced in 1996, he remarried. I have never remarried. After he passed away in 2009, I found out I get his SS benefits because of the length of time married to him. His second wife might get something also; they were married 13 years. If I were to marry legally, I’d lose the benefits.”

“Because I was a stay-at-home mom, my Social Security benefits will be far less than his benefits.

“Is there a way to be together with my guy without legally marrying so I don't lose SS benefits from my ex-husband?”

Before I give my opinion to Nancy, I strongly suggest she contact an attorney and/or make an appointment with her local Social Security office  to ensure she doesn’t do anything to jeopardize receiving her deceased husband’s benefits.

To answer Nancy’s initial question: no, Greta and I are not “married legally.” We aren’t even married at all. We’ve been together 16-plus years, and have lived together 13 of those years, most of them in her home, and currently in my home. I dare say that we have been blessed with the relationship the way it is. We share many expenses and our life is as good as it gets.

Nancy also wanted to know if Greta and I have had any kind of a commitment ceremony. The answer to that question is no as well. Every day of our lives together is a commitment to each other and we don’t feel the need to have a ceremony. Will any of this arrangement change in the future for us? Probably not but I suppose it could.

I went to my archives to find out what other Champs have said about committed-but-not-married (cbnm) relationships.

Annie said, “I met my partner five years ago. We are in a totally committed relationship and living together. We are continually surprised at the number of our friends who ask, ‘When is he going to make me legal?’ 

“We don't feel the need to be married. Our kids don't care one way or the other. We have designed a ring for me. I will wear it on my wedding ring finger, and we may or may not get married.  It's O.K.   We are turning 65 this year; we have earned the right to do as we wish.”

Nina said, “I am in my mid-fifties, six years-divorced, (recently broken up from a brief relationship that I'd mistakenly believed could last longer, but didn't), alone, have great friends, a pretty good life, and am fine with this for now. I probably don't want to re-marry, even if I find someone with whom love is real and mutual, but I would like to be in a committed, loving relationship. If it endured beyond a few years, I might want to live together, without marriage, for as long as that arrangement was able to last.” 

Jennifer, “Older people have already completed the child-raising task. They do not need to nail down a reproductive agreement. Older people have often spent a lifetime working and accumulating assets and they frequently like to keep their finances separate. Many want their children or grandchildren to be their sole heirs. Marriage or re-marriage can interfere with this inheritance plan or complicate it. Sometimes, it's simpler just to remain single, even while living together.

“Older couples who live together benefit from the closeness and companionship of a live-in partner, and probably live longer too. They can pool their money and talents, which means they will probably enjoy an enhanced lifestyle together. Those who, for religious or other reasons, are uncomfortable with this arrangement, can still get married.”    

Marcia stated, “Russ and I are one of the couples you wrote about in your 50 couples book. We did not marry for a myriad of reasons. We caution couples in their sixties concerning marriage as we have had a lifetime of building obligations and acquiring assets and responsibilities. My son thought, at first we should marry but has accepted the situation and is relieved that we didn’t.

“My grandchildren call Russ their honorary grandfather and adore him. We are happy and know that our medical is good, assets secure and we can enjoy each other at this time of life.

“I have known couples who have religious ceremonies under God and outside the law and they are also happy. Some couples keep their houses (highly recommended) and some buy a new one with a tenancy agreement in case one dies. We are not in our youthful building stage and cannot afford to make serious financial errors.

Mary Lynn said, “I am almost 64, and divorced since 1998.  I have dated on and off, but have yet to find that special someone for me.  However, I have no desire and no reason to get married again. 

“My best friend met someone online a few months ago and will be getting married next month.  She is on cloud nine because she has been looking for a husband for several years.  I don't want to rain on her parade - I have to be supportive - but I don't understand what the ‘obsession’ with marriage is.  If you're in a committed, loving, mutually nourishing relationship, what more do you need?”

Final reminder to Nancy: Sure, have a non-binding commitment ceremony, wear a ring, whatever you choose, just be sure to revisit the social security law first. 

Are Long Distance Relationships Viable?

On Life and Love After 60 Newsletter

By Thomas P. Blake  October 25, 2014

Senior Dating: Are long-distance relationships viable for singles 50-plus?

The Internet has changed our lives in countless ways. For mature singles, it has opened up new possibilities of meeting potential mates. For singles living in remote areas, where potential partners are nearly nonexistent, it has given them the ability to reach out across fields, prairies, mountains and state lines to locate singles they would have otherwise never met.

As a result, long-distance relationships have formed. Hopes have been kindled. Life takes on new excitement, new meaning. Loneliness is lessened.

Some couples have fallen in love even though they have never met the person face-to-face, which baffles me. In this newsletter, we recently read about a woman who moved from Wisconsin to Nebraska earlier this year to be with a man she met online but had never met in person. As of two weeks ago, they were still together but not without issues, caused primarily, by, of all things, her problems with EMFs—electro magnetic fields.

Meeting someone new online is the good news. That they live far away can be the bad news. The biggest issue: When people fall in love, they want to be together on nearly a daily basis. In a long-distance relationship, that is hard to do without one of the members eventually relocating.

Having responsibilities like careers, home ownership, family, grandkids and friends makes uprooting and moving to another city, state—or even country--difficult.

One of our Champs, Chris, whom we recently read about, has bucked the odds by having had a successful 4,500-mile, long-distance relationship for 11 years. He lives in San Clemente, California, she lives in England.

In my book, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, 33 of the couples featured met online. At least 20 of those couples lived an hour or more away from each other. In most cases, relocation by one of the partners made the long-distance relationship work. So, yes, long-distance relationships can flourish and people can spend their lives together.

I have a friend who is involved in a long-distance relationship of about a year with a guy who lives in another state. They have visited each other often. But, in recent talks with her, I detect a bit of restlessness in her voice. The issue is she owns property and has family and grandchildren in Orange County and would really like to share daily activities with a man here. Her man friend is very locked in to where he lives as well.

Her situation made me think of an email one of our Canadian Champs sent years ago regarding a long-distance relationship she had been in with a man from the states.

Our Canadian Champ wrote, “The red flags of caution were there, and I daresay that upon close examination, which is always easier over the passage of some time, most of us know in our gut when things are a little off and we know it at the time. We simply ignore those red flags because being in love and/or having a partner with whom to better enjoy day-to-day life is really hard to resist.” She and her USA guy eventually moved on from each other.

When people meet online, and live far away from each other, early on, they need to have the discussion about relocation for one of them. If neither member is willing or able to relocate, the relationship will be hard to maintain. Not impossible, as Chris, mentioned above, has done, but difficult.

In Chapter one of 50 Couples, Bobbe, age 59, met Bob, age 60, online. He lived in California, she in Illinois. She thought, why should I write to someone in California, it’s just too far away. She wrote anyway, and eventually not only moved to be with him, but married him.

What are your long-distance relationship experiences?

Senior Dating: First date conversations

On Life and Love After 60

By Thomas P. Blake                      October 17, 2014

What do you talk about on the first few dates?

What the heck do you talk about on the first few dates? This sounds like a question from our junior high school days. But, it turns out that it is more of an issue for singles age 50-plus than one would expect.

The question came up this week when one of my deli customers, who is also a friend, told me she has had three dates with a man she met online. She said “He seems nice, but there are a couple of questions I want to ask you.”

She wanted to know if it is normal for a guy to mention his ex’s name at least 50 times in the first three dates. She said she has been reluctant to mention this to him, not wanting to hurt his feelings while the relationship is in its infancy.

Her second question: “And, when I am making a comment, before I have finished with my point, he interrupts and will start on an entirely new subject. Is that normal as well?”

I told her that maybe the guy is just nervous, and doesn’t know what else to talk about. Or, perhaps he is a poor conversationalist and/or too into himself. In either case, he just doesn’t “get it.” I suggested that soon, if she wants to continue dating him, she needs to point out these idiosyncrasies to him.

So, what do you talk about, or not talk about, on the first few dates? From what I’ve learned as a columnist, you don’t talk (or write about) religion or politics. It amazes me when people come up to me and start going off on one political party or the other, or one religion or the other, without having any idea what my political or religious preferences are. They just assume that everybody must think the way they do.

Because I own a deli, where the “customer is always right,” I don’t challenge them; I just keep my mouth shut and say, “What type of bread do you want with your sandwich.”

I think the best suggestion regarding what to talk about on early dates is to try to find out, by asking questions of the person, where he or she grew up, and what their hobbies and interests are. Of course, you may be opening the door for your date to go on and on about their dog, cat, parrot, or horse and how they let their animals sleep in the same bed (well, maybe not the horse or parrot).

The most important advice is to try to focus on the positives in life. With such terrible worldwide news these days, it’s easy to get into discussions that focus on all of the negatives the media bombards us with. It’s not that we shouldn’t talk about those things, it’s just that we shouldn’t constantly dwell on the negative.

Try to be considerate of the other person and have empathy for how he might be feeling. Don’t judge too soon. In my deli friend’s case, perhaps once she’s had a conversation with him, he might turn out to be a good match for her.

On early dates, being a good listener is important. Don’t dominate the discussion just because you are so wonderful. This point makes me think of my old friend George Mair, who has passed on. George used to live in Hollywood before moving to Dana Point years ago. He told a story of one of his women friends who had a first date with an actor.

The actor dominated the discussion telling George’s friend all of the wonderful things about himself. She couldn’t get a word in. And finally, he said to the woman, “So, enough about me.”

She thought, “Oh, how nice, I will get to tell him a little about what I like.” Before she could get a word in, the actor started right in again, “What did you like about my last movie?”

They never went out again.

The last piece of advice regarding early-date conversations is to just be yourself, which makes me think of a verse from “Just The Way You Are,” a Billy Joel song from The Stranger album in 1977.

“I don't want clever conversation

I never want to work that hard

I just want someone that I can talk to

I want you just the way you are.”

What do you talk about on the first few dates?