Senior Dating: First date conversations

On Life and Love After 60

By Thomas P. Blake                      October 17, 2014

What do you talk about on the first few dates?

What the heck do you talk about on the first few dates? This sounds like a question from our junior high school days. But, it turns out that it is more of an issue for singles age 50-plus than one would expect.

The question came up this week when one of my deli customers, who is also a friend, told me she has had three dates with a man she met online. She said “He seems nice, but there are a couple of questions I want to ask you.”

She wanted to know if it is normal for a guy to mention his ex’s name at least 50 times in the first three dates. She said she has been reluctant to mention this to him, not wanting to hurt his feelings while the relationship is in its infancy.

Her second question: “And, when I am making a comment, before I have finished with my point, he interrupts and will start on an entirely new subject. Is that normal as well?”

I told her that maybe the guy is just nervous, and doesn’t know what else to talk about. Or, perhaps he is a poor conversationalist and/or too into himself. In either case, he just doesn’t “get it.” I suggested that soon, if she wants to continue dating him, she needs to point out these idiosyncrasies to him.

So, what do you talk about, or not talk about, on the first few dates? From what I’ve learned as a columnist, you don’t talk (or write about) religion or politics. It amazes me when people come up to me and start going off on one political party or the other, or one religion or the other, without having any idea what my political or religious preferences are. They just assume that everybody must think the way they do.

Because I own a deli, where the “customer is always right,” I don’t challenge them; I just keep my mouth shut and say, “What type of bread do you want with your sandwich.”

I think the best suggestion regarding what to talk about on early dates is to try to find out, by asking questions of the person, where he or she grew up, and what their hobbies and interests are. Of course, you may be opening the door for your date to go on and on about their dog, cat, parrot, or horse and how they let their animals sleep in the same bed (well, maybe not the horse or parrot).

The most important advice is to try to focus on the positives in life. With such terrible worldwide news these days, it’s easy to get into discussions that focus on all of the negatives the media bombards us with. It’s not that we shouldn’t talk about those things, it’s just that we shouldn’t constantly dwell on the negative.

Try to be considerate of the other person and have empathy for how he might be feeling. Don’t judge too soon. In my deli friend’s case, perhaps once she’s had a conversation with him, he might turn out to be a good match for her.

On early dates, being a good listener is important. Don’t dominate the discussion just because you are so wonderful. This point makes me think of my old friend George Mair, who has passed on. George used to live in Hollywood before moving to Dana Point years ago. He told a story of one of his women friends who had a first date with an actor.

The actor dominated the discussion telling George’s friend all of the wonderful things about himself. She couldn’t get a word in. And finally, he said to the woman, “So, enough about me.”

She thought, “Oh, how nice, I will get to tell him a little about what I like.” Before she could get a word in, the actor started right in again, “What did you like about my last movie?”

They never went out again.

The last piece of advice regarding early-date conversations is to just be yourself, which makes me think of a verse from “Just The Way You Are,” a Billy Joel song from The Stranger album in 1977.

“I don't want clever conversation

I never want to work that hard

I just want someone that I can talk to

I want you just the way you are.”

What do you talk about on the first few dates?

The Last Cowboy Song: the end of the meet and greets

On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter

by Thomas P. Blake      October 10, 2014

The end of the Meet and Greets

For two and a half years, Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point, California, deli has sponsored a Meet and Greet on the last Thursday night of each month for singles age 50-plus and beyond, in some cases far beyond. People in their 90s have attended and one nice gentleman, Dave, at age 92, met his significant other there.

Attendance has varied to a high of 120 to a low of about 20, which was the dismal number two weeks ago at the September Meet and Greet. I think only four men attended. The average attendance was usually 45-50.

As far as I can determine, about 15 couples have formed as a result of meeting there. It’s hard to get an exact count because what happens is once a couple gets together, they don’t return. One guy I saw in the Post Office who had attended a few times said he didn’t attend anymore because his new main squeeze didn’t want him to be socializing with other women.  

At every Meet and Greet, the women always outnumbered the men by at least two-to-one, but at times by four or five-to-one. There was one exception. Four months ago, the men outnumbered the women by more than two-to-one. I knew something strange was brewing that night when the first nine people to arrive were men.

I mentioned that phenomenon in my local newspaper article. At the next gathering, new women poured through the door while the men recoiled so we ended up having a lopsided women-to-men ratio. That may have been the beginning of the end.

It is a fact of life that women always outnumber men at singles functions for people ages 50, 60, 70 and 80. Most women accept that fact but there are others who don’t understand. At each event, we usually have a break in the action when new people can come to the microphone and introduce themselves. I recall when a woman took the microphone and instead of saying something like, “Hi, I’m Susie, I live in Dana Point and have been a widow for five years,” she said, “Where are all of the decent men?”

I quickly took the microphone from her and suggested she needed to have a more positive attitude. She stomped out and later emailed me that she had never been so humiliated in her life. She never came back.

This week, I received an email from Jean, who attended the September Meet and Greet. Jean wrote, “I wanted to comment on something said to a group of women at a table with one of the men. Dick said that there were at least 10 men he knew of who were staying home because the women clustered together, dressed for one another and came to hear each other, while the men came to meet ladies. I told Dick that I attend to hear male conversation but have never met anyone I have been smitten with. I simply think the gals are dressed up anyway and make the best of an evening visiting with one another sitting in groups. I personally attend alone but have been joined by a female in the past.”

I emailed back to her that the guy Dick she commented about usually sat with three or four of his buddies and barely ever acknowledged a woman. So there you have it.

One new woman who attended September’s event came in and wanted me to turn the TV on to the MLB (Major League Baseball) Network so she could watch Derek Jeter’s last game in Yankee Stadium. I apologized for not subscribing to the MLB. She disappeared in an instant, perhaps making her way across the parking lot to the sports bar where the 20 to 30 year old crowd hangs out.

Our October Meet and Greet will be the last one, at least until next spring. In ending two and a half years of Meet and Greets, I can’t get a song out of my mind that The Highwaymen sang (Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Kris Kristoffersen, and Waylon Jennings), titled, “This is the Last Cowboy Song.”

This is the last cowboy song:
The end of a hundred year waltz.
The voices sound sad as they're singin' along.
Another piece of America's lost.

Senior Relationship Challenges and Issues to overcome

On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter

by Thomas P. Blake      October 3, 2014

Senior relationship faces challenges. But not the kind you’d expect

On April 4, 2014, this newsletter featured Ruth, 70, who was moving from Wisconsin to Nebraska, to live with Gary, 68, although she had never met him in person. Ruth and Gary had spent a year and a half communicating by email and telephone getting to know one another. They found each other on Green Singles, a website for people who seek a “green, organic lifestyle,” which they both wanted.

In that newsletter, Ruth said, “I am moving to Nebraska because it fits my need to be in a dryer climate for my health. We both have similar health issues and are empathetic with that aspect of our relationship. I have so much to gain by doing this, much to lose if I stay in the rut I have been in. Gary and I agree that after all of this time, we will be happy if it turns out to be friendship only. At our ages, that is a huge blessing in life.”

Because Ruth and Gary had never met face-to-face, most of our Champs had doubts about the relationship working out. I sure did. Ruth promised to keep us updated.

On May 2, Ruth sent an email that included a photo of the two of them sitting on a hill in a pasture with this caption: “Beautiful day, sunny weather, and glad hearts to share.”  I thought, wow, so far, so good.

On August 13, Ruth sent another update, which indicated there were relationship issues to work out: “The relationship is good when we keep the lines of communication open...we have our ups and downs due to extremely hot weather and not taking enough time away just to relax and smell the roses.

“Tolerating each other's idiosyncrasies is the biggest challenge, and since we are together much of the time, irritations do come up, especially for me. I tend to thrive in a relationship where the emphasis is on the positive, giving each other positive feedback on how we do things, our strengths, etc. My friend can get rather negative if things aren't going well all the time and he may say something that hurts my feelings without even knowing he is doing it!

“That is where the communication comes in. We talk and usually get on a better footing after that; it tends to be a pattern for us. We are committed to making it work as a couple and are making plans for autumn and beyond. My family has been out to visit us and we had a wonderful time together. Likewise, I have met his sisters and one of his brothers and was nicely received.”

Two weeks ago, Ruth sent another update that revealed a major issue has arisen that is challenging the relationship. But, it’s not an issue one might suspect. Rather, Ruth has developed a health condition.

She wrote, “We are facing a huge challenge together, with my electro hypersensitivity (EMF, aka electromotive force). We will have to go to an “off-grid” lifestyle where we outfit the house with solar power (a huge expense that we don’t have the money for), or I will have to have a trailer bought in to use as a safe place to sleep, another big expense. Meanwhile, what can I do so that I can get sleep?”

Ruth said she had this radio-wave sickness caused by high frequency signals in Wisconsin due to all of the cell phone towers that emit radio frequency waves. However, she did not expect a similar issue in Nebraska.  But on August 8, the local electric company put a ‘smart meter’ on the electrical power pole for the house, which emits EMFs. In addition, they had a new, water well installed, which also has a high frequency system in it. Ruth says, “I literally have been set back two years.”

She added, “This is a love story that is filled with challenges right now, and our good natures and love are holding, but there are days when tempers flare—mine mostly due to never getting quality sleep and thus having constant head pressure and tinnitus from the meter and pump.”

Ruth said, “When we go for a trip or drive to the store (30 miles away), I have to sit in the back seat since the EMF levels are lower there. (Apparently, the car engine emits microwave radiation as well). You may have never heard of any of the things I am talking about, but let me assure you that there are thousands of people in this country who are experiencing the same nightmare from overexposure to EMF. There are websites devoted to this, e.g., www.electricalpollution.com.

“Will this relationship withstand these kinds of life-threatening challenges? Stay tuned.”

Tom’s comments: Can you imagine? A senior relationship being challenged because—of all the things that could happen--microwave radiation? A condition many of us may have never heard of.

I checked the above website and found this paragraph: “Studies document impacts on public health from microwave radiation, including: poor sleep quality, insomnia, headaches, tinnitus, skin rash, facial flushing, cardiac arrhythmia, seizures, neurological disorders, memory and cognitive problems, nausea, vomiting, poor appetite, and Autism, to name a few. Children are especially vulnerable to microwave radiation.”

It is quite frightening what can happen to people and birds due to these transmissions. When Ruth moved to Nebraska, she thought she had escaped microwave-radiation sickness, but now, it’s caught up to her again. What will be her next action?

A finding love after 70 success story

On life and love after 70: Never give up hope of meeting a mate

by Tom Blake, September 12, 2014

Each week, I receive an average of 30 emails on the subject of love and life after age 50. It’s hard to keep track of them all. One of the great things about using gmail as my internet provider is it archives the emails each person sent.

So, when I receive an informative email from someone like Art, in Florida, who emailed me this week--with a finding love after 70 success story--I can go back and see what Art had previously written. Using historical information from a person can enrich the current information that that person provides.

Over the last couple of years, Art has sent me several emails that were always informative and helpful. We’ve quoted him a few times.

In May, 2012, Art, wrote, “I was widowed nearly five years ago, and have been on two free dating sites for about four and a half years. In that time I have corresponded with at least 60 to 70 women, and have met about 35 in person. We usually meet for lunch, and I always pick up the tab.

“I think it is important to know what you want, and who you want to meet. You must read the woman's profile carefully, and look for mutual interests, and also state your own preferences. For instance, I want a woman who likes the opera and live theater, as well as dancing and travel.

“If these interests are not mutual, we will probably never get beyond the first lunch. If someone wants to meet the new love of their life, they have to start somewhere, and the internet is a good way to see who's out there.”

This week, Art wrote, “I am now 76, and met Joanie, now 69, a year and a half ago, and I can only suggest to both men and women that it is never too late to find love again.

“I found Joanie on Plenty Of Fish, and sent her a message, to which she replied. We eventually met at a Barnes & Noble book store to talk after several weeks of chatting on that site.

“As soon as I saw her, I knew that this lady was very worth pursuing, so rather than leaving the book store with her phone number, I suggested we have frozen yogurt at a nearby shop. We spoke probably another hour there, and we exchanged phone numbers and made plans to stay in touch.

“Since that fateful meeting, we have been out to countless dinners, lunches, theatrical events, including the opera and two ballets. We recently completed a 10-night cruise, our second, and are booked for a Halloween cruise, and are planning to spend her birthday next spring in Mexico City.

“I recently bought her and myself commitment rings with the sign of infinity, and we both have found a lasting love after being widowed. Your newsletter provides a lot of encouragement, as well as advice from other readers that helped me to avoid some red flags and mistakes.

“To anyone looking for love again, take my word that it is definitely possible for a person who is willing to search, and put in the effort.”

Art knew what he wanted--a woman who enjoyed opera, live theatre, and travel--and stuck with that requirement. Seven years after becoming widowed, he is in a wonderful, committed relationship, due to his willingness to work very hard to find the right match for him.

Do not give up hope, and keep working on finding your mate.

                                            Art and Joanie