Senior dating issue: dating when a spouse has Alzheimer's

 Part 2 – More On Life and Love after 50 newsletter readers' (Champs') comments on Alzheimer’s and dating

Tom P Blake
Shirley, “I’m a monogamous dame, and do not tolerate ‘playing’ while married, but the Alzheimer’s has a dreadful effect on a family, and especially on the caregiver. Also, adult children who judge are ignorant of what really happens. I’ve had numerous nurses’ aides--because of my disability--and they’ve told me about the impact of the disease on their other patients. Alzheimer's is a living death for caretakers."

Barbara, “I find with great heartache that people can't find it in their heart to want men or women to find some happiness while they are still able to. “My husband was dying of bone cancer and he made me promise to find someone to share the rest of my life with, mattered not kids or kids, but do what was right for me with his blessing.

“So a man and a woman need to be open with each other no matter how the health issue may come about. Kids need to know about this and this is what their parents have decided on, be open-minded folks, there is no right way or wrong way to this situation, give a lot of love to one another and look at what both mom and dad want.”

David, in speaking of the man whose wife has Alzheimer’s, said, “You need to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you can self-righteously criticize them. Also, no one who offered an opinion had any understanding of what it’s like to be an isolated caregiver in a hostile environment especially if you still feel young and vibrant enough to move on with your life.

“I think the gentleman ought to be commended for his continuing love and devotion to a wife who is vanishing in front of him and the lady ought to be commended for waiting to build a new relationship and offer support. These two would probably be best served keeping their relationship private and between themselves only until the medical situation resolves itself.”

This ends a thread of discussions on a man who is dating when his wife has Alzheimer's and the frustration his woman friend feels as the other woman.

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Senior dating issues: Dating when a spouse has Alzheimer's?

Senior dating issues: Dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s?

by Tom P. Blake

One of the most difficult and controversial senior relationship topics that readers bring up is dating when the spouse of one of the two people has Alzheimer’s.

A Southern California woman wrote, “I am dating a man whose wife has Alzheimer's and is very well cared for in an expensive facility. He visits her daily, sometimes as much as three times a day. They had a 35-year marriage in which he raised her children, and he considers them equally his own.

“Here is my dilemma. I don't doubt that he loved his wife, and still does as much as he can. But on his dating profile (how I met him) he said he has more love to give than his wife can accept. That is kind of awkward wording, but I knew what he was trying to say.

 

“I do not think he is morally bad for seeking companionship since his wife has been going downhill for five years, and has been in this facility for the past three years. But his children do not like the idea of their father going out with other women. They know that he is, but they have told him, ‘We don't want to hear about it.’

  

“That puts me in the ‘other-woman’ category.  I feel ‘back door’ and it doesn't feel good. I have never asked to go with him to visit his wife. I find myself feeling resentful about the position this puts me in. I know he is happy with me as he has told me he loves me and often speaks of our future together.

“But I also know that he will always be in touch with his children, who will probably ask at some point if I was ‘dating’ their father while their mother was still alive. I don't want to be a pariah when the day comes when his wife passes away.

“Would it be reasonable or fair of me to tell him that unless I can be part of his life now, i.e., visit his wife in the facility, and not be hidden from his children, I cannot go on this way?

“If I cannot go to the facility, then perhaps his wife is not really ‘that far along after all.’  Maybe she has another 3 or 4 years to go. I am nearly 71 and he will be 76 in two months. I don't want to be ‘back door Dora’ for the next 4 years. Please help me understand my situation better.”

Tom Blake's take on the situation: The man went on a dating site, likely because he is lonely. He did not try to hide that he is married and his wife has Alzheimer's. What he did may not be right, but it is somewhat understandable.

The woman entered this relationship knowing the situation. She should have known she was walking into a minefield. Now, she wants to go visit the wife to see how sick she really is. That is totally wrong and disrespectful. She has no business going there.

Next, she worries about how his step children view her. She’s not going to be able to change that either. Probably ever. After all, the ill woman is their mother.

So, either she accepts the situation the way it is, stays in the background, and stops worrying so much about herself, or she needs to exit the relationship. I find her motives and dilemma to be her problem.

###

Tom Blake's article on Alzheimer's dating when a spouse as the illness is featured in 3 newspapers: The links to the 3 papers are listed below:

Tom Blake is a Dana Point resident and a former Dana Point businesman who has authored several books on middle-age dating. His latest book can be found online at www.smashwords.com/books/view/574870. See his website at www.FindingLoveafter60.com (yes, after 60, time rolls on). To comment, email tompblake@gmail.com.

San Clemente Times Alzheimer's article

Dana Point Times Alzheimer's article

The Capistrano Dispatch Alzheimer's Article

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50Plus Life Dauphin PA August 2016

50Plus Life Lancaster County August 2016

50Plus Life Lebanon County PA August 2016

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50plus Life: 14 G's of dating for mature adults

Special for 50plus Life                   June 2016 edition

The 14 G’s of dating for mature adults

By Tom P Blake

   

Seniors often ask me for dating tips. What can they do as they grow older to meet a prospective mate? Here are my 14 G’s for senior dating.

1. Get off couch and out of the house. This advice is always the first I mention. It’s so simple and yet so important

2. Get involved in activities you enjoy where you will meet new people. Unsure of where to go? Check out www.Meetup.com for a list of clubs and activities in your area. There are thousands of activities across the USA. Granted, some are for the younger set; simply weed out those choices. And the site is free!

3. Go alone to these activities if you have to, if you can’t find a friend or group of friends. Granted, this isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do, but it still beats sitting home alone wishing you were somewhere else

4. Get organized. Don’t wait to plan for upcoming holidays. If you have nowhere to go for July 4^th, for example, consider volunteering. Try an activity that makes you feel good; nothing is better than helping others. Plan ahead for other holidays as well. Invite others who have nothing planned to your home for a small potluck dinner party. Start rounding up your single friends now

5. Go out to enrich your life, but not with the sole purpose of seeking a mate. If the only reason you go out is to find someone, you will become discouraged and frustrated because meeting someone may not happen right away. It might not happen at all. But if you go out to broaden your horizons and enjoy new experiences, just getting out is a great accomplishment

6. Get it in gear. Meeting new people, making new friends, and finding a mate at this stage in our lives requires energy and making a concerted effort. It’s like seeking a job in the current economy, which is difficult. The people who are successful work the hardest at networking and putting resumes out there. The same goes for meeting a mate, make the process as important as you would if you were seeking a job

7. Get assertive. Note, I am not saying aggressive, but assertive, there is a big difference. Start conversations with strangers--on a plane, standing in line at the post office or at the bank, waiting for your car to be washed, in line at Starbucks-anywhere there are people waiting and biding time. If you see someone who looks kind, warm or friendly, don’t hesitate to make a simple comment or ask him (or her) a question--how he likes the book he’s reading or the car he’s driving. This tip applies especially to women

8. Gain flexibility. Open your mind to new avenues, new cultures, and new thinking

9. Gain efficiency. Don’t waste time by playing games. Either people are interested in a relationship or they aren’t. If you meet someone who you think might be a potential partner, and the excuses start flowing, or the games begin, move on

10. Gain confidence. Improve your appearance; add exercise to your daily regimen. Eat healthy foods. Take care of yourself. You will have more positive energy, which will make you a more desirable person. Present a positive attitude. A smile is the ticket to making yourself approachable and likeable, both necessary when you are seeking a new mate

11. Grieve and heal before you begin looking for a new mate. If you’ve recently lost a spouse or partner, give it all the time you need. But that doesn’t mean you don’t go out to enrich your life and be involved with new people. That helps to overcome loneliness. Your life is not over, it has just changed

12. Gain knowledge and insight through learning and enjoying new experiences. Go back to school. Take an acting class. Travel

13. Go gray. Remind yourself that being single later in life isn’t so bad, in fact it’s pretty darned good. It gives you the freedom to do and pursue whatever you want

14. Give yourself credit and a pat on the back from time-to-time. After all, you’ve made it this far in life. And, there’s a lot of life ahead to live.

50plus LIFE Lebanon PA June 2016 edition

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50plus LIFE - On Love and Life after 50 PA couple met online on biker website

Special for 50plus LIFE – On Love and Life after 50 March, 2016 issue

Pennsylvania couple met online years ago. Still going strong

By Tom P Blake

Nearly every Friday for 15 years, I’ve published and emailed a weekly newsletter called On Life and Love After 50. One of my long-time subscribers is Pat, who became a widow shortly after the newsletter started, and lived in Shickshinny, Pennsylvania.

In 2005, Pat, sent me an email saying she had met a wonderful man named Len on a website called BikerKiss.com. She wrote, “I had not heard of that website until a girlfriend, who had just bought a motorcycle, told me about it. I went on it as sort of a joke. Len is also from Pa., however, he lives 85 miles away. He is 61. I am 65.”

Pat stated that Len had not dated since his wife had died two years before and she had dated, but, “not very successfully,” in the three and a half years since she had lost her husband.  

“Why was he on BikerKiss.com?” I asked.

She said, “Although he’s not a biker type, he has a Honda motorcycle. After a few dates, we knew there was no turning back. Love is wonderful the second-time around. We are like two kids--holding hands, laughing, motorcycling, and enjoying the simple things.”

In 2009, I included Pat and Len’s story in “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50,” a book I wrote that revealed how 50 couples had met later in life, and to give hope to singles that finding a mate is possible.  Pat and Len’s story had two important lessons: long-distance relationships can work, and, when people venture out of their comfort zones, positive results can occur.

                     

To order How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 - check out the bookstore on the Finding Love After 60 website or email Tom for an autographed and personalized copy

From time to time, I follow up with the couples featured in the book to see how they are doing, and to get an update on their lives. Last month, I checked in with Pat and Len.

She wrote, “Len and I are still together, into our 12^th year now and still going strong. And we’re still riding. Since 2005, we’ve covered close to 175,000 miles across the USA and Canada. Len has the same model of bike, but there have been two bikes since the original.

“Our current bike is a very sweet ride with a custom-heated seat that makes long-distance riding comfortable, especially in those chilly temperatures that we hit in early spring and late fall in the higher elevations.

“Our life as a couple is one of great contentment; we spend a lot of time together but we also do things apart from each other. I’m busy with volunteering at our library. And, yoga takes up a few mornings each week. We both love music and go to many concerts; we have eclectic musical tastes so there is always something new and fun to listen to.”

Pat and Len live in Bethlehem Township in the Lehigh Valley, near Easton.  Pat mentioned that Len surprised her this past Christmas with an Alaska cruise for June, 2016. They spent 10 days there in 2007 on the motorcycle. They are looking forward to seeing Alaska from a different perspective.  

                            Pat and Len on a motorcycle trip to British Columbia

Pat said, “We are truly blessed. We found the right person at the right time and life is good. The most important thing to me as I have gotten older is having someone to laugh with and enjoy all of the crazy, silly things that life is made up of. Quirkiness is a good thing.”

Pat and Len found love where they least expected to find it, which often happens to older singles. They also met the challenges of a long-distance relationship.

And now, in their mid-70s, they are active, still on the bike and very much in love. And, BikerKiss.com is still operating.

If you see an older couple in the Lehigh Valley whiz by on a motorcycle, wave! It just might be Len and Pat, living the good life and happy they met nearly 13 years ago.

Note from Tom: To sign up for the complimentary On Life and Love After 50 e-newsletter, visit www.FindingLoveAfter60.com and click on join our newsletter.

For information on How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, visit Tom's bookstore at FindingLoveAfter 60. com or contact Tom by email (tompblake@gmail.com) or visit Amazon.com.  This article appeared in these 50plus LIFE newspapers in March, 2016:

50plus LIFE Lebanon PA March 2016 edition

50plus LIFE YORK PA March 2016 edition

50plus LIFE LANCASTER PA March 2016 edition

50plus LIFE CUMBERLAND PAT March 2016

50plus LIFE CHESTER PA March 2016 edition

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50plus LIFE - On Life and Love after 50 - 10 tips for finding a mate

50plus  LIFE – Feb 14, 2016

On Life and Love after 50

By Tom P. Blake

Greetings, Introductions, and Tom’s 10 tips for finding a mate

I am honored, especially on Valentine’s Day, to be introduced to your newspaper. I have a warm spot in my heart for Pennsylvania. My mother was born in Erie.

My column started when two female editors in Dana Point, Calif., gave me my first writing assignment. I had just gone through a divorce and thought dating would be easy. It turned out to be difficult, and I wrote about the frustrations of a single guy in his early 50s trying to date again.

I complained and whined that younger women wouldn’t go out with me and women my age expected me to pay for dates.

The editors felt that the single women in Southern California would have a field day taking potshots at my woe-is-me message.

They were right. When my first column ran, a woman said: “Who is this sniveling puke?” Another said, “Get the boy a crying towel.”

Women told me my writing became less controversial and more palatable when I started dating my life partner, Greta.

I’ve written approximately 3,500 articles and newsletters on finding love, in the later years, and writing on this topic has been good to me. I’ve published four books and have been interview by Matt Lauer on the Today show and Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America—humbling.

My writing scope has broadened from finding love after 50 to “On life and love after 50,” as older singles deal with life issues often beyond the scope of just dating and seeking love.

My advice is applicable to anyone age 50 to 90. Yes, I know people in their 90s who have found love who can show affection towards each other similar to a couple of teenagers.

While my articles target singles, approximately 35 percent of my readers are married. Many tell me that reading about the hardships singles endure encourages them to appreciate their spouses more and they work harder at making their marriages last.

My advice to married couples is usually pretty simple: Stay together and work out the issues.

Let’s have fun together. Maybe we can help some older singles find love. But to continue writing about senior dating, I need input from readers—your questions, comments, and stories about life and love after 50.

Email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will respond within a day or two, unless I am traveling overseas, which Greta and I try to do while we are healthy enough to go. Who knows? We might include you in a column.

One thing is certain: As more and more people become single later in life—due to divorce or the loss of a spouse—there are always new and challenging issues.

People often tell me, I never thought I’d be single at this stage in my life.” My hope is to help as many of them as possible.

My life partner Greta and I had dinner with a 78-year-old widower friend of ours after Christmas. As we were leaving the restaurant, he said, “I don’t want to be alone anymore. But I don’t know how to meet a potential mate. What do you advise?”

I put together a list that would help him get started. I call it Tom’s 10 tips for finding a mate. The tips apply to both men and women.

1. Let friends, family and acquaintances know that you’d like to meet other singles. That’s what Ken did with me. He let me know that he was rejoining the human race and wanted to meet new people. The more people he gets the word out to, the better his chances of finding someone. It’s called networking. And it works.

A week after Ken asked for advice, I received an email from a single woman in his city. I asked each one of them separately if they’d like to correspond. They said yes. Had Ken not mentioned his situation to me, I wouldn’t have thought about introducing them.

2.  Get off the couch and out of the house. You won’t meet anybody sitting at home. You need to be where you will meet new people. Sure, it takes energy and time, but it will give you a purpose. Attend weddings, reunions, church activities, dances and accept all invitations to events. Volunteer. Another widower I know volunteers at a nearby hospital twice a week and helps feed the homeless at his brother’s church twice a month. He’s met single women at both places.

3.  Go out to enrich your life and meet new people. Do not go out solely to find a mate. People looking too hard come off as desperate, and end up turning off the opposite sex. Often, it’s when we aren’t looking that we meet someone special.

4.  Pursue activities you enjoy where both sexes are involved. For guys repairing old cars, you likely won’t meet a potential mate. Ditto for women who are quilting.

5.  Get the body moving. Walk and exercise. Be friendly to folks you see along the way. Offer to walk with them if appropriate.

6.  Keep expectations in check. Meeting a potential mate won’t be easy but don’t give up. It takes time.

7.  Internet dating is one method of meeting potential mates. For people living in remote areas, online dating may be a necessity to meet new people. For people 50-plus, online dating is risky. There are scammers and evil people looking for vulnerable and lonely singles. However, it has worked for lots of couples. If a guy online sounds too good to be true, he is. Trust your instincts. Don’t be naïve.

8. Smile and be friendly, positive and upbeat. If you are in a post-office line, or a grocery-store line, be assertive by striking up a conversation--but don’t be overly-pushy about it.

9. Check out the website, http://www.Meetup.com. There is no cost and they have clubs and groups across the USA that cover all kinds of special interests. Pick some different ones and attend them. You will be enriching your life and making new friends.

10. Subscribe to my weekly On life and Love after 50 E-newsletter at www.FindingLoveAfter60.com. There is no cost. More than 1,000 singles ages 50-90 from across the USA share their experiences, frustrations and successes.

Above all, recharge your batteries and get out and meet new people. I’m betting our friend Ken will be up and running in no time.

For dating information, previous articles, or to sign up for Tom’s complimentary weekly e-newsletter, go to www.FindingLoveAfter60.com.

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