Pope Francis was just a few feet from us

Today, Greta and I are in Monte Carlo. As our ship tour guide put it in one of his discussions about the ports we visit, “If you go ashore in Monte Carlo, you will get an appreciation of how really poor you are.” He was right, there is immense wealth in Monte Carlo.

Monaco on Grand Prix race day

                                             
                                  Our seats at the race. On Friday, it is free to get in. We sat in row one

                                
                                        Red Bull pit crew later in the day after the race

This is our last newsletter (from Europe that is). We fly home next Thursday.

Churning out newsletters from Europe has been a challenge, particularly from Italy and from the cruise ship. The place we stayed in Italy had no wi-fi so we walked a mile to our train station, took a train to another city, and walked a quarter mile to a wi-fi place.

We have not used the ship’s wi-fi at all. The reception is lousy and the cost is over $1 per minute. So to send email while cruising, we take the laptop into the cities we visit and try to locate a wi-fi café while having a beverage or even lunch. Often the reception is iffy in those places as well, and the networks are not secure.

Today’s newsletter, covers a variety of subjects, but none are in depth. So excuse the brevity, and we’ll try to get back on track next Friday.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention our visit this past Wednesday to Rome. The port of Rome is a little over an hour train ride from the center of Rome. We had only one mission, to attend the Pope’s Wednesday outdoor service that an estimated 300,000 attend. It wasn’t as if we could just walk across the street to get there.

From the ship, we took two local buses to get to the Rome port of Civitavecchia's train station, and then an hour train ride into Rome. Travel tip we discovered: If your destination is to go the the Vatican and St. Peter's, instead of taking the train all the way into the Rome Central train station, get off a couple of stations before at the St. Peter's station. From there, it is only a half mile walk or even less. Still, the security to get into the square is very strict, so be prepared for a delay when going there. 

For more details, you can read about our day there in the Travel After 55.com blog (the link is below). I will say, we were shocked to be within 20-25 feet of the Pope and got some pictures and video.


Photo taken by Tom at the Vatican on Wednesday--Pope Francis was just a few feet from us

And now down to the business of dating after 50 and beyond, often far beyond.

1.  A fresh way for singles to perceive themselves and dating in general.

Two of our Champs, Christine and Joel, asked me for permission to post information about a seminar they are holding on June 11 from 11 to 3 in Champ Gina’s wonderful art gallery in Long Beach, in Southern California. The seminar is called “Finding Love in Midlife.”

I know Christine personally; she has always had great advice for singles. And I have respect for what Joel has posted as well. I think it is great our Champs are working together to help each other.

If you're looking for true love, feeling overwhelmed about how to find that special someone and truly want to finally meet someone special, I recommend you sign up and attend.
Knowing them, they will mix their wisdom with their humor, making it a worthwhile session.  

For information about the seminar, follow this link
http://theperfectcatch.com/PDF/FindingLoveinMidlife.com

Or, you can email Christine at Christine@ThePerfectCatch.com or Joel at GrassRootsGuy@gmail.com. 

The last word (for now) on senior sex

Sis responded to the last two newsletters with a comment about her newsletter topic about meeting the narcissus man: “Interesting feedback on your posting of my story of my experiences with "W." I do think he has a personality disorder of some sort. I really went out of my way to be kind and loving to this man.

“Your comment on my waiting six dates to become intimate did seem a little snide to me. In my own defense I will tell you this: W brought up sex on the 2nd date and I told him then that I was not interested in senior sex for the sake of having sex but only as an expression of deep affection and/or to strengthen a bond.

I told him I needed to build trust and friendship first. I also said that the way I'd be able to tell if I could trust him would be if his ACTIONS matched his WORDS over TIME.

“If only I had held to that! He romanced me and I was naive. He kept asking me: "If this is REAL, what are we waiting for?"

“At 68, I had to think about that and I did but because I was naive and lonely and he seemed charming and sincere, I felt ok about sex on date # 6. I am no longer naive! Nothing is for nothing and I learned a lot! The most valuable comment for me was from one of your readers - a woman who described how a narcissist thinks.”

Tom’s comment: I admit Sis, my comment was not appropriate. Sex is such a personal subject; perhaps one day we will devote a column or two on it. It would be great if it were simple, but lots of factors must be considered. The fact that we can still have sex at our age is almost a miracle onto itself. I am all for it, just stay safe.

Have a pleasant week-end.
------
Part 2 - Europe trip updates

My partner Greta and I have been in Europe for almost 7 weeks. Wednesday we were at the Vatican, yesterday at the Leaning Tower of Pisa (it really does lean) and today at Monte Carlo.. If you are interested in reading about our trip, and in seeing lots of photos we have taken, go to the Travel After 55 website. On the home page, near the top, click on the tab that says travel blog. The most recent post is the one you will come to first. Now, there are about 25 posts. Email me with questions or comments.

Here is the travel website:  http://www.TravelAfter55.com

Tom Blake's Victoria Station Restaurant chain website

 http://www.FindingLoveAfter60.com

Finding Decent Love - Decent widow wants decent man and responses from the Champs

Finding decent love. Decent widow who wants decent man and responses from the Champs

Tom P Blake

Last week we wrote about Sis, not her real name, who called herself a decent widow and was seeking a decent man. My newspaper subscribers, whom I call Champs, responded in droves. We begin with John's response:

John said, “I have three pieces of advice for ‘Sis’ and other women over 50:

1. Concentrate less on what you want out of a relationship, and more on what you have to offer in a relationship. Often, in online dating profiles, I find four long paragraphs of a woman's wants - and zero on what she can bring to the table (props to ‘Sis’ for mentioning that she is a good cook).
 
2. ‘Loves to laugh’ is the most over-used cliche in online dating (for some reason, almost exclusively by women). I don't know anyone who doesn't love to laugh - it does not make you stand out.
 
3. How about asking the man she has become friends with if he has any friends who are looking for a serious relationship? Birds-of-a-feather tend to flock together, so if he is the type of man she was looking for, perhaps he has a friend who is similar but wants commitment? 
 
Shirley, “I’m back with my opinions and impatience about some of your clients. I’m a retired teacher, and on the whole those near my age or at my age, and I’m very old, are the most uptight, conservative people. And the word ‘decent’ is not in my vocabulary.

“If the guy and she can’t get along, then tell her to move along. Partnership of any kind is a daunting adventure, and this dame is really weak in her vocabulary. If ‘decent’ means compliant, give me a break.”

Mark, “One concern I have about ‘Sis’s list of desiderata is that they’re all ‘yes-no,’ whereas life generally arranges itself on a spectrum.
 
“To give one example, she wants a man who “knows how to communicate.” My reply to that is, “HOW WELL?”
 
“I could see myself making some small mistake with her, and her deciding that I ‘don’t know how to communicate,’ when what she really means is that I don’t know how to communicate WELL ENOUGH FOR HER, and she’s not willing to join me in a team effort to improve our mutual communications skills.
 
“I’m just giving that as an example. The same goes for her criteria such as ‘healthy’ (almost nobody our age is PERFECTLY healthy) or ‘have a sense of humor’ (HOW GOOD does it have to be?). I think you catch my drift. She ‘might’ still have impossibly high standards, and be fooling herself into thinking that she is the ‘soul of reason.’”
 
Maria “Maybe Sis should stop focusing on what she doesn't have and look at what she does have! (She has dates, has the means to be independent, and a good male friend hike with!). Sometimes we have to get out of our own way before all falls into place. Patience.”
 
Joan, “I don't know what Sis read online about men that run hot and cold, but I know it's a typical narcissist pattern to come on really strong, be completely romantic and attentive, be amazing sexually, and then at some point, the mask comes off and they become moody, argumentative, insulting, and even abusive.
 
“I had one of those and researched this extensively to understand what kind of person I was with. They have no activity in the frontal part of the brain so no capacity to truly love or have empathy. Tears are wasted on them because they find it amusing that you're reacting that way. They are not truly 'human' in our sense of the word. 
 
“I hope that helps, so I've learned to watch for all those red flags of ‘Prince Charming has arrived’ before I get involved. So now, on Elite Singles, I've been contacted by the site twice to tell me I've been communicating with scammers and not to have any more contact with them. I'm tired of it all and going off the dating sites. 
 
“Maybe I'll meet a nice guy shopping at Trader Joes.”
 
Jackie, “I have now officially given up on finding a romantic partner.  I haven't had a real date in years. The only guy who has had any interest in me is 20 years my senior and is so broke he can barely survive.  I'm not a gold digger by any means, and am more than capable and willing to pay my own way. But I'll be darned if I pay his way, too, for everything.  
“Until recently, he was driving a 20+ year-old vehicle with the driver's window missing and no AC - in Florida!  In all the years I've known him, he absolutely refuses to allow me to go to his home because evidently it is falling down around his ears and he is embarrassed by it. And yet, he gets angry with me because I am not willing to commit to a long-term relationship with him - he can't understand why these things matter to me unless I am very superficial or looking for money.
 
“At this stage in my life, I want to enjoy things, travel a bit, go out to dinner occasionally, take little week-end jaunts, perhaps go to a movie or a baseball game on occasion. I don't think that is unreasonable for a 60-year old woman to want. I'm not extravagant in my lifestyle, but I make a pretty decent living (I still work full time).  
 
“I'm very discouraged. Sometimes I think this older guy is all I deserve and the best I can hope for, and then I feel like a heel for even thinking that. I enjoy my life and I have a good life as it is; I just think it would be so wonderful to meet someone to share the journey with.  Is that too much to expect?”
 
Lori, "Imagine! Abstinence for six dates! It must have been worth the wait"------what exactly does that comment mean Tom?  Snide or? Telling her it was ‘too long’ to wait to have sex? Not long enough? E-mails are sometimes notorious for coming across as unintended, and this comment seemed out of character for your usual comments and discussion. This just hit me wrong.”
 
Tom response: “Greta warned me that the comment would get me in trouble. We are on an extended trip in Europe. Finding a place to have decent wi-fi is difficult (similar to finding a decent man); there isn’t a lot of time to ponder, edit, and produce these newsletters.
 
“My initial reaction was six days isn’t too long to wait for senior sex. I guess the way I put it wasn’t politically correct. The reason why waiting six days or more isn’t the end of the world: it’s wise to know that your partner and you don’t have any diseases to spread.
 
“Other than that, go for it as soon as both agree. First date? Well, maybe wait until the second.”
 
Anonymous, “Sis believed that her nurturing childhood gave her strong problem-solving skills and that her partner lacked these skills because of his upbringing. Then she listed all of the assets she had too offer. One of those positive things she listed was no adult children to cause problems.
“If someone I was considering a relationship with made a comment like that I would be gone before he had a chance to comment again. That is not the comment of a well-adjusted ‘problem solver.’” 

------
Part 2 - Europe trip updates

My partner Greta and I have been in Europe for 6 weeks. Today, we are on a cruise in Dubrovnik. Croatia. If you are interested in reading about our trip, and in seeing lots of photos we have taken, go to the Travel After 55 website. On the home page, near the top, click on the tab that says travel blog. The most recent post is the one you will come to first. Now, there are about 16 posts. Email me with questions or comments.

Here is the travel website:  http://www.TravelAfter55.com

Tom's Victoria Station restaurant chain website

 http://www.FindingLoveAfter60.com

California widow in search of a decent man

California widow in search of a decent man Finding decent love in our maturing years is a challenge by Tom P Blake A year ago, Sis, not her real name, contacted me saying she was discouraged because a man she met on a dating site turned out to be married. Since then, her luck has not changed a whole lot. Last week, Sis wrote: “I attended my 50th high school reunion and connected with a man I had a crush on in high school but never dated. He has been divorced 16 years. I was hopeful about forming a relationship with him because we both grew up in the same city, are both retired teachers, and live eight minutes apart. “But, it turned out we were not suited as romantic partners for a  variety of reasons. We remain ‘friends’ and go on hikes together.” Tom’s comment: It is good to have male friends to do things with. So, some good came out of dating him even though a romantic relationship  did not blossom. Sis continued, “On Jan. 17th of this year, I had a blind date with a man five years younger, arranged by friends. This man - I'll call him ‘W’ - lives an hour away and is eccentric! “However, we had a lot of chemistry and seemed to really hit it off. He's been married and divorced twice - both brief marriages and now I know why. “Initially, he came on very strong in a romantic sense. He gave me flowers, candy, and wine; he wrote a song about me and was very enthusiastic and complimentary. I was slower to have senior sex and held off being intimate until the 6th date. “We had a lot of emotional connection or so I thought. The senior sex was great and he continued being attentive and called and texted daily. We had wonderful, fun times together. Then, we had a misunderstanding and then another one. I began noticing he would run and hot and cold.” Note from Tom: Sis included in her email a detailed explanation of the personality trait of why people sometimes run hot and cold that she had read online. It clarified for her why people act that way. She added, “I don't think he had a nurturing childhood, as I did. I was married almost 39 years to my late husband and I have good conflict-resolution skills.‘W’ seems lacking in those skills. I am now very confused and feel our relationship is doomed because we can't seem to find ways to resolve issues as he just shuts down and pulls away. It's beyond discouraging; it's downright depressing.” Then, Sis added, “I could be happy with a decent man!” What Sis wants in a decent man: She said: “I'm not asking for much: just need the man to be healthy, sane, stable, clean, know how to communicate, listen, keep his word, have a sense of humor, be reliable, curious and KIND. A man doesn't have to be handsome or wealthy for me!” Then Sis described herself: “I'm a decent woman with a lot to offer. I am all of those things I listed above and more! I'm attractive, fit, a nurturer, and a good cook. I have a nice home and many interests. I am well-read, fun-loving and love to laugh. I have no adult children to cause problems and I am drama-free. I am not needy and don’t need a man to live well. But, I want to share what's left of my life with a decent man.” Why can’t this decent woman find a decent man? It seems the men she is choosing aren’t decent, except her hiking pal. Darn, if they could only have worked out the romance end of things, she’d be all set. Finding decent love in our maturing years is challenging. Here is the travel website:  http://www.TravelAfter55.com Tom's Victoria Station Restaurant chain website  http://www.FindingLoveAfter60.com

Senior intimacy issues - senior sex

On life and love after 50 newsletter

by Tom P. Blake  - October 23, 2015

A Champ in her 60s we will call Becky, not her true name, emailed this week. She had read the two recent newsletters about chemistry, particularly the comments from Champs who were in relationships that initially had no chemistry, but where chemistry kicked in after a period of time. That happened to her. Senior sex just arrived later for her.

But Becky also wanted to share that even when chemistry is present in older couples, there still can be intimacy issues that couples may need to deal with.

Before getting into Becky’s “intimacy-issues” comments, a little background on her: She said, “Single since November 2011, I've tried various websites, meetup groups, divorcee gatherings, took many international trips, and asked friends if they knew of any eligible, nice, and somewhat healthy middle-aged men.

“But after dating/meeting casually for 3 1/2 years, I wondered why I spent so much time conversing/meeting men. Was it true that nice divorced men were all taken? Of course not, but it felt that way. I truly had given up.

“I thought I could be a great partner to the right person, but wasn't willing to move or negotiate on what a potential partner could or couldn't provide. I mentioned in my on-line profile that I wanted to be ‘friends-first’ with someone. Most of the men I had previously met wanted ‘everything’ by date one or two

“In April, I met a man who lives 15 miles from me. And being ‘friends-first’ is  what he decided to do. We dated about 16 times before he gave me a kiss on the lips. I thought he wasn't attracted to me. I thought he just wanted an activity friend and nothing further. I wasn't a runner and he had told me he wanted a girlfriend who ran.

“Chemistry came later. It became true for me that even in one's 60's, things can move relatively slow and still develop into something amazing. I was looking for a loving, caring relationship, and I found such.”

Becky’s comments about intimacy

So, Becky and her runner boyfriend had progressed from the “just-friends” stage to the intimacy stage. But that doesn’t automatically mean they are making whoopee every night, as Becky explained.

She said, “There are differences as we age in our physical attractiveness, intimacy needs, etc. Aging couples do not talk openly about erectile dysfunction or female issues. When you are younger you snicker at the commercials on television or internet, but then you are in that age group and these things happen.

“As a former pediatric nurse practitioner, I wasn't up-to-date with how intimacy changes as we age. But, now I'm living with it and find that 50% or more of men in their upper 50/60's have some sort of ED and need assistance. The price for the pills is not covered by Medicare or insurance. Sometimes the pharmaceutical manufacture will provide a short-term rebate, but otherwise, around $44 is the cost for the little blue pill.

“Baby boomers want to live their remaining years attempting to do things they used to, but, our aging bodies change and sometimes men or women need to resort to using pharmaceutical drugs with a high price. Pharmaceutical ads specifically state that there are lots of forgery drugs being offered in the states, Mexico and Canada, but there doesn't seem to be long-term financial assistance to purchase such medications in the USA. Not everyone is wealthy.

“I just wanted to share as I had never given much thought about intimacy, potential problems, and solutions until recently. We are happy we found each other and he is very verbally appreciative of my understanding with his intermittent problems.”

Becky concluded: “Actually, I don't see this as a problem as we have been able to work around this very well. It is a learning curve. When you start to ‘date’ again in your late 50's or 60's or older, just be aware and sensitive to male/female sexual issues, but - heaven's - don't throw in the towel. It is just another stepping stone in gaining knowledge about the aging process.”

I applaud Becky for bringing this subject up. It is a fact of life. Although I tend to tiptoe around this subject, as a Champ we’ll call Oscar Meyer pointed out three weeks ago, I will say this: “I have never taken the ‘little blue pill,’ or any similar pills that claim to achieve the similar results--not that they wouldn’t be helpful--but when you hear those TV commercials stating the possible side effects, I prefer to find other creative solutions to the older-male dilemma.

By creative solutions, I don’t mean standing on my head and whistling “Dixie.” Nor do I mean having a snake charmer play the pungi (flute-like instrument) as is done to get the cobra to rise out of the basket.  

However, electrical appliances can work wonders. (One woman responded, if it comes to that, I give up on sex). Too bad, she's missing out.

More on chemistry and senior sex

On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter

Tom P. Blake    October 9, 2015

 More on chemistry and senior sex

Last week, a widower said his girlfriend of four months told him she felt no real chemistry. I asked for your opinions.

 

There were so many wise responses about chemistry and senior sex that I have tried to organize them into categories. Here are what the Champs said:

Move on

One man said, "If a woman tells you the chemistry is not there, it's time to saddle up and ride. I was in a brief relationship with an all-around great woman. One flaw is she had hang ups about her religious upbringing that made her a cold fish when it came to romance.

"We parted company a few years ago and we regularly text and email and have coffee. She's had quite a few three or four-date relationships since, but, they all end the same way. Men our age just aren't prone to wait around or deal with frigidity for very long. For certain, I'm not.

Mark, "Long ago, when I was in the shoes of the 72-year-old widower, someone much wise than me (you Tom) told me that the very first thing to look for in a partner is someone who likes you back. Everything else--appearance, age, money, intelligence--is secondary.

 "The woman he likes doesn't like him back. She already has plans on two future Saturday nights. My guess is she has met someone else. I strongly encourage this man to move on and avoid further pain."

Vicki added: "He should get her to express her fears and desires, listen to her, then if she doesn't come back around, move on. Too many women out there want a good man; he shouldn't waste time on one that doesn't.

Stop talking about your deceased spouse

Chris: "OK, you're getting this from an 81-year-old guy who has been around the horn many, many times. Advice to this newbie: She doesn't want to hear about how wonderful your wife was and how much you loved each other and how happy you were. That gets old really fast. This applies to women also.

"I don't care that she was talking the same way. What else was she going to talk about while you were going on about your marriage. All they want to know is that you didn't kill her and you are available. Keep the talk light. Get her laughing. How about a night out dancing? Make it fun being with you, not talking about dead people. You will be surprised how fast the chemistry will come when you do as I say. She will want to be with you because she likes being there."

Linda, "Honesty is a good thing but in this case talking about your respective spouses could put a cold front on anyone's horizon. I guess the timing isn't right."

Feelings can change

Joan, "I dated a man for a year with no chemistry between us. Then, for some reason, the chemistry button turned on and continued to last. Ultimately, we found we were not right for each other in other areas of our lives, but it was lovely while the senior sex and chemistry lasted.

Vicki, a widow (marriage 48 years), wrote that she met a man who escorted her and her friend to lots of events for months. Then, when she started dating him, she no longer felt chemistry. She backed out of the relationship.

He persisted, very patiently, very much a gentleman. No pressure. She dated another man but it didn't work out. Months later, the gentleman called and asked her out again. We took in slow and the chemistry fired up and we are exclusive now and planning our first cruise together. We are still deciding if we want to live together, or just date. Regardless, we want to be together.

Communication

Joan said, "He should ask her directly if she can define what chemistry means to her and if there is anything he could do to generate it. He may find out there is something simple he can do, or that her expectations are not realistic.

Another woman stated: "She said she feels no real chemistry, but she may mean something other than what she is speculating on. He needs to get that cleared up by asking.

I assure you! There is chemistry and senior sex in our later years!

Here's a guy in his early 70s, having to worry about stuff he had to worry about as a 20-year old. Yikes, dating for older singles is challenging.