Navigating the hype of Internet dating sites

On Life and Love After 60 Newsletter

Tom Blake               January 27, 2015

Navigating the hype of Internet dating sites

I get a lot of Internet dating junk mail in my inbox. Sometimes I read it just for entertainment. A few days ago, AB Newswire, a paid online press release distribution service, sent out a press release about a dating website called EuroDate, which ostensibly has over 40,000 members worldwide. The press release title: EuroDate Shares 5 Top Cities for Discovering Love in 2015.

The press release said the five cities are “…where a large number of romantic men and women are located.”

I was curious how EuroDate knows that these five cities have large numbers of romantic men and women so I read further.

The release stated, “Hungary’s capital Budapest has a crowd of amorous singles looking to meet their partner from overseas on EuroDate. Although it can get very cold in Hungary in winter, many Hungarians are warm, caring and tender and make a great catch when it comes to dating.”

Hmmm. My partner Greta and I will be in Budapest in May; we will try to locate that crowd of amorous singles there. Perhaps they congregate at the famous Hotel Victoria, the Budapest Castle Hill Funicular, or another Budapest landmark.

Next, the press release stated, “Another fine city represented on EuroDate is Manchester, one of the UK’s top cities for culture and creativity, where singles are always ready for a lively time.”

Hmmm. How does EuroDate know that singles in Manchester are always ready for a lively time? Aren’t singles everywhere always ready for a lively time? At least the younger singles. I was beginning to suspect that perhaps EuroDate’s demographic wasn’t aimed at the over 50 crowd, who are sometimes ready for a lively time, but certainly not always.

Next, the press release stated, “Riding high on EuroDate’s classic destinations of love is Vienna (Austria), a place where the magic of the city seems reflected by the sophistication of those who live there.”

What does that statement have to do with singles and dating? On our European trip, Greta and I are visiting Vienna as well. We will try to find out what dating is really like in Vienna, especially for older singles.

The press release continued: “There is little surprise that New York, the city that never sleeps, has worked its way onto the EuroDate league of passion. The Big Apple has a high number of adventurous and open-minded singles and EuroDate is the perfect place for them to display their can-do attitude.”

“League of passion?” What the heck is that? And why does a dating site named EuroDate include New York City? Oh, it is probably because so many singles of European descent live there. But how does the site know they are adventurous and open-minded?

The press release concluded with: “Last but not least on EuroDates’s list of 5 great dating cities is buzzing Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia.”

There was no explanation in the press release regarding why Jakarta is a great dating city, only that it is buzzing.

That’s a lot of hype for five great dating cities without much substance. Nothing was mentioned in the press release about singles age 50+. I guess we just get mixed in with the entire group.

The press release added: “EuroDate expects to receive an even higher level of traffic over the coming months.” My guess is that not a lot of our Champs are going to jump onto EuroDate to find their partner. We all know how difficult long-distance relationships can be. Meeting someone while standing in line at the Boise post office might be more realistic.

Cut the hype. Give us substance.

When Internet dating doesn't work, try other options

On Life and Love After 60 Newsletter

Tom Blake                             Jan 19, 2015

Senior dating: When Internet dating doesn’t work, try other options

Each New Year, most older singles evaluate their single status. Many contact me in January for advice.

This week, Susan, emailed: “What is the best dating site for over 60? I’m having a lot of trouble finding one for women like me who are young at heart, look much younger than their age and are very active. I have kept myself in good shape, but all of the men that could be my counterpart want younger women. What is a woman to do?”

I responded, “Often, I hear from women who have the same complaint. Internet dating does not work for everyone. Perhaps try things other than the Internet.”

Susan said, “I'm 72 and I think I'm maybe just too old now to play the game. I was a real head turner in my day and now get a glance now and then. My friends do not know of anyone. There is one man I fell pretty hard for about 15 years ago, maybe I should look him up.

I responded, “Yes, look him up. If that doesn’t work, simply say, ‘Next!’ Keep your eyes and ears open. Don’t give up, you are never too old. Reach out, help people, even volunteer. The main thing is to be out among new people.”

Susan said, “I do volunteer and work out at a gym four-five times a week. I did meet someone there, but after a couple of dates, which I enjoyed, he told me he was married. My luck, as they say. I don’t click with a lot of men and I could be dating a lot, but I want to feel magic again and that is why I am still holding out. I have not felt magic in the last 15 years.”

I responded, “Working out is great. It’s so important to keep the body moving. OK, so you found out he was married. At least you gave it a go until you found that out. More importantly, you ended the relationship, married guys are off limits. They need to get things taken care of at home before they start messing around.

“As far as looking for the magic you felt 15 years ago, nearly all singles would like to find that, but is that realistic? It probably won’t happen. But, being with a kind, considerate person, to whom you might be somewhat attracted, is the modern-day magic for singles 60-plus.

“Keep your spirit up, and be thankful for what you have. You are on the right path. Perhaps find a couple of women friends to pal around with. You will meet some men along the way.”

One suggestion for Susan and other south Orange County singles would be to attend the singles age 50+ Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, located in Dana Point, California, on the last Thursday of each month. After a two-month hiatus during the holidays, the next event is Thursday, January 29, 2015 from 5 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. There is no cost.

Over the past two and a half years, approximately 15 couples have formed, having met at those events.

Upcoming Events

·         Thursday, January 29, 5 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., Age 50+ singles Meet and Greet, Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, Dana Point, 949 248-9008, for questions, no cost

·         Sunday, February 15. 2:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m., Sunday at the Bookstore, San Juan Capistrano Library, Local Author lecture series, featuring romance writers. Tom Blake will be discussing senior dating, his newspaper column and his dating and relationship books.

Coping with the holidays: The Rose

On Love and Life After 60

By Thomas P. Blake     January 9, 2015

The Rose: How four women Champs dealt with the holidays

During December, I received lots of mail from Champs. Now that life’s routine is somewhat back to normal, I have had a chance to read through my correspondence and wanted to share messages from four of our women Champs that illustrate their resiliency, energy and positive attitudes.

Vicki wrote, “My co-workers and I went out before Christmas, and they kept asking me if I had any plans for Christmas, so I had to answer in front of everyone that I was going to stay home and watch the Downton Abbey (British TV series) marathon on Christmas Day. They couldn't believe it! (Note that no one was concerned enough to invite me to join them).

“I was really looking forward to spending Christmas Day enjoying Downton Abbey with my newly adopted dog from the shelter. We had a great time; I made my favorite clam dip and didn't have to ‘perform’ for everyone. Besides that, I've been recovering from a very bad flu, and needed the down time. 

“I've had many good Christmases with friends and family, and some boring and depressing ones with an emotionally distant ex. So this year, I talked on the phone with my mom, my sister, and my recently widowed aunt, stayed in my pajamas and had a great time.  

“Sure, I would like to spend a Christmas with that special someone again, should I meet Mr. Right, but I have learned to entertain myself and enjoy my own company as well. For extra encouragement, I re-read Sense and Sensibility.

“Thanks for reminding us that we are complete as we are, whether or not we are part of a couple. It's so sad that many women I know think they are incomplete unless they are part of a couple, no matter how lousy or unsatisfying the relationship is. And over and over again, I hear women saying. "WE like this restaurant; WE like this movie, WE like the mountains," as if ‘I’ no longer exists. Then where is our identity if "WE" break up?  If we develop our other relationships, we will always have friends when we are lonely.”

Alicia, “I needed to hear your upbeat message to Champs because I was feeling lonely this Christmas. Although I enjoyed the season with my family, I am not dating and felt the crunch of not having ‘someone to share it with’ as they say.

“In just three days after Christmas, I felt great, feeling myself again, living a full life, looking forward to reaching and setting more goals for 2015, working in a job that I enjoy, feeling fantastic about my end-of-year report of reaching some important goals, and proud of it!  

“I amazed myself in 2014 and I did it without someone beside me. Granted, it would be nice to have someone but my point is, I can reach goals on my own. I am repairing an old 1935 home that I grew up in and I have learned so much in the process.

“At my age (in my 60’s), I learned how to pull up carpet, drill, saw, cut, etc., and with more to come! It’s been hard work and so gratifying. It’s a beautiful world. I thank God for letting me see the potential in myself.”

Laurie, “I enjoyed your last newsletter that featured the Beatles song, We can work it out. I am at the beginning of a long-distance relationship…I think. Not sure but we shall see where it leads.

“He is in Oregon; I am in southern California. We met at an entomological conference in Arizona last year. He is WAY younger than I. Not sure how old he is. And all he knows is that I am over 55.”

A.C. “So many times your newsletter helps me think through things going on in my relationship with my boyfriend. It's been on again and off again for eight years. Right now it's going well.

“He walked out on me in July 2011 and left me with the lease of our apartment. By the grace of God I found someone to take over the lease. It was $2000.00 a month and working at a school as a health tech there was no way I could afford that. I found a place I could afford alone. For more than three years I have had my own place.

“I started seeing him again and it's ok for a while, then it's not. He's an alcoholic and has gone back out a number of times again. He is sober 11 months now and I've chosen to see him again. Of course he wants to go fast, like move in, and I've learned the lessons the hard way, so go slow and no moving in just yet.

“He's a good guy with a good heart but has the disease so I'm seeing him but protecting my heart. I'm in Al-Anon for 22 years and work a good program.

“Life is good and I do find joy when we are together. Going slow one day at a time is the answer for me. 

“If this helps anyone it would make me happy. At 65, finding a partner is not easy. So I'm giving this a try and will see how it goes. It is good sharing a life with someone but having a broken heart many times is so very hard. Lessons learned through the years and I keep on learning them.”

After reading these messages, I couldn’t help but think of the words from Bette Midler’s 1979 song “The Rose,” particularly the last verse.

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snows

Lies the seed that with the sun’s love

In the spring becomes the rose

The entire song is worth listening to again. 

Salvaging a marriage

On Love and Life After 60

By Thomas P. Blake     January 2, 2015

Salvaging a marriage

Champs often write me seeking advice. When that happens, I am honored, but also know that I must be cautious. I do not want to advise someone to do something that is beyond my scope of expertise. I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

I am a columnist who has formed opinions based on 20 years of writing about life and love, and hearing from thousands of people, who have shared their relationship experiences and wisdom. Plus, there are always two sides to each story and usually I just hear one side. And rarely are there enough facts to know the entire picture.

When people ask what makes me an expert on senior relationships, I simply say, “Three marriages. Three divorces.”

This week, a man I’ve known for close to 20 years contacted me after he read last week’s article, which stated that people often evaluate their relationships during the December holidays.

He wrote, “My marriage has me concerned. My wife has put on weight. Nine years ago when we met she was much thinner. I love her even with the extra weight, but would like to grow old with her and not worry about her health.

“Also, we don’t get along as well compared to when we were just living together for five years. And she has been dragging her feet about the pre-nuptial agreement we were trying to do before we married a year and a half ago.  

“These things have me so frustrated I wish we were just living together. One of my concerns is what you said to me years ago about protecting one’s heart and one’s money.”

I told him I would ponder his question and get back to him. Before I could respond, he sent a follow-up email.

He said, “She never admits she is wrong, even when I show her. I do lots of things for her as she also does for me. I try to thank her most of the time. But the same is not true with her. I would be happy if she did so once in a while.

“She says she loves me but her words do not translate into actions. And now little things she does are starting to bother me. I don’t have the holiday blues; I think I am just facing reality.”

My response: “The pre-nuptial agreement should have been signed before the marriage, not 18 months after the marriage. She may be dragging her feet now, thinking the marriage is on unstable ground.”

I suggested if he mentions the added weight to her, he should emphasize that it is only because he is concerned about her health. Women aren’t particularly fond of discussing weight-related issues.

I asked him if they loved each other enough to try to salvage the situation and recommended he insist on getting that pre-nuptial agreement signed.

He responded: “Today I will INSIST we sign the post-nup. I am so fed up that I am going to take a while to think hard about a divorce whether she signs it or not.”

Then he responded again the next morning: “I have made up my mind, having analyzed the situation overnight. I am getting a divorce. Forget the post-nup. I would just rather live alone right now. It will be tough but it is the right decision.”

I—feeling a little horrified—said: “Just be sure this is what you really want. I hate to see you get a divorce without the two of you talking it through.”

He: “Yes I am sure. It has been festering with me and the column last Friday caused me to re-access my life and decisions. I just needed to vent to make sure I was thinking straight.”

Me—feeling even more horrified—said: “I do not want to be the one responsible for the breakup.”

He: “Don’t worry, I don’t hold you responsible. The same thing happened when I broke up with another woman years ago; you helped me sort it out. I made both decisions. I go with the flow until it gets to a crossroad where I have to make a big decision. I have known it for a while. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.”

He, 14 hours later: “I have decided to insist we go to counseling in order to save our marriage. If she refuses, then we get a divorce.”

Me (relieved): “Yes, go to counseling. Try to talk. Try to work it out. Do your best to salvage the deal.”

And then, the strangest thing happened. This email exchange reminded me of the 1965 Beatles song, “We can work it out.” I was in a relationship back then that had soured and often listened to that song, particularly these lyrics:

“Think of what you're saying
You can get it wrong and still
You think that it's all right

Think of what I'm saying
We can work it out and
Get it straight or say good night
We can work it out
We can work it out

Yesterday, New Year’s Day, 2015, he wrote: “We talked last night. She has agreed to get the post-nup completed without me threatening a divorce. She still refuses to go to counseling; I will go by myself.”

Trying to salvage a 10-year relationship instead of going through another heart-wrenching divorce is a much more positive way to start the New Year. Keep talking to each other, old friend. You can work it out.

Beatles- We can work it out

A 2014 year-end message for singles

On Life and Love After 60 Newsletter

By Thomas P. Blake     December 25, 2014

A 2014 Year-end Message for Singles

It’s hard to believe that we’ve reached the final column of 2014. The December holidays are behind us. For many singles, those holidays were a mixed bag of emotions. Sure, many got to spend Christmas or Chanukah with their families and relatives and that is a treasure. But there can be an emptiness that goes along without having a gift under the tree from or for a lover.

Not to mention that singles are often reminded this time of year by well-meaning friends and family that they don’t have a mate. They hear comments like, “What a shame that you don’t have someone to share the holidays with,” or, “You should work a little harder to meet someone.” Most singles just finesse those comments outwardly, but inside, the comments can grind at them.

So, I never write a joyous Christmas week column because my primary focus is on singles age 50+, and I don’t want to make them feel worse than they already do. Yes, married people tell me they read the column as well, and I appreciate that, but my main concern is the singles.

The December holidays magnify emotions. Some people decide to get divorced or to break up during this time. It’s probably because they want to start the New Year off heading in a new and different direction. But when that happens, it can be a real downer for both sides of a busted relationship.

I speak from experience. On Christmas Eve, 1993, my wife of six years cleaned out the house and moved out of my life. No notice, just, “See ya later Thomas.” I was pretty shocked, unprepared, and angry. Christmas wasn’t very merry that year.

But out of the ashes, with the New Year, came opportunity. A better life. And it opened the door for me to meet Greta, with whom I’ve been blessed to spend 16 years. That event also launched my writing career, although when it happened, I wasn’t a writer.

However, six months later, my first newspaper column was published, titled “Home Alone with Only Dogs for Company.” Since then, I’ve written more than 3,000 columns on Finding Love After 50, published four books, and appeared on the Today Show and Good Morning America. These things would have never happened had my ex not left.

Today, it’s time to focus on the New Year and the hope it brings to all of us—single and married.

One silly thing that encourages me every year is knowing that after December 21, the days start getting longer. Even when something can get me down, I just think that every day ahead for the next six months will bring more light and less darkness.

I was stand-up-paddle-boarding in Dana Point Harbor Tuesday with my friend of 25+ years, John Hawkins, and he surprised me by asking, “What is your New Year’s resolution?”

It caught me off guard, I hadn’t really thought about it in those terms. It’s not as if I don’t have plans for 2015. I do and I sure as heck have thought about them and worked on them. But I didn’t have an answer in clear, concise terms, or, as Mark Victor Hansen, the co-founder of the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series and empire, called it, an elevator speech.

What Mark meant was, you see someone in an elevator and you’ve got 30 seconds to pitch them concisely on something that you want them to know about—a book, movie script, life insurance policy, used car—whatever you are selling—doesn’t matter.

I did not have my elevator speech prepared; I rather mumbled my response to John that my main goals for 2015 include retirement from my deli, travel with Greta, and writing more newsletters and newspaper columns and maybe publish a book or two. That wasn’t a 30-second elevator speech; it took about two minutes to say that.

My message this New Year for older singles is to remind yourself that adversity and loneliness can lead to opportunity, hope and a new direction in life that can be rewarding and exciting. But, it’s up to each person to look for that opportunity, seize it, and move forward with a new bounce in his or her step. Everybody has a talent, all they have to do is find it, and nurture it, and it will grow.

I often think during this time of year of what a woman reader told me long ago: “I’ve been married and unhappy and single and unhappy. And single and unhappy is better--because I am free to make changes to my life today, tomorrow or next week, without having to go through the divorce process or getting permission from anyone other than myself.”

Besides, being single at 50, 60, 70, or 80 isn’t so bad. In fact, it’s pretty darned good. A large number of our Champs choose to be single and love the lives they are living.

So rejoice in your singleness this New Year, because a new and exciting life awaits you. Seize the opportunity.

And if the “retirement from my deli news” piqued your interest, you will hear a lot more in the January, 2015, newsletters.

Happy New Year. Raise a toast to all of your fellow Champs, which I will also do. You are all so special to me. 

On Life and Love After 60

Love - The Rob Lytle Story

On Life and Love After 60 is the title of this newsletter. Most of the time, we focus on finding love after 50. But today's column focuses on a different kind of love--not the romantic kind--but the love of family and friends that is especially important during the December holidays.

To set the stage, I need to go back to December, 1976. I was the Director of Marketing for Victoria Station, a prime rib and boxcar restaurant chain based in San Francisco, with restaurants located across the USA and Canada.

One of my marketing responsibilities was to co-ordinate a football award that Victoria Station presented to the most outstanding college football player each year. Admittedly, the award started in 1971 as sort of a spoof on the prestigious Heisman Trophy. The company had its reasons for doing so, but that is for another day.

Four years earlier, in 1972, a young man from Fremont, Ohio, Rob Lytle, was one of the most highly sought after high school football players in the country. My alma mater, the University of Michigan, was fortunate to have him choose to attend Michigan.

In 1976, when Rob Lytle was a senior at Michigan, he was the all-time leading rusher in Michigan football history. He was a consensus All American. And I, being a loyal Wolverine fan, insisted we give the award to Rob. On a snowy day in December, 1976, in Southfield, Michigan, at our Victoria Station there, one of our three company founders, Bob Freeman, and I presented the award to Rob with Michigan Coach Bo Schembechler and other dignitaries present.

Rob was drafted by the Denver Broncos and played for them for six years.

Rob and I became friends. When the Broncos played the Oakland Raiders at Oakland, I would often take him to dinner the night before the game at one of our two Oakland restaurants. Usually, he would bring 3-4 teammates along with him. Rob was one of the nicest, most thoughtful, funny young men I had ever met in my life. And yet, he was a bulldog on the playing field. Billy Dufek, a college teammate of Rob's, said he was the toughest football player he ever knew.

As a NFL running back, Rob had several concussions and multiple injuries and surgeries.

After Rob's retirement from football, I would speak to him on the phone on occasion at his home in Fremont, Ohio, where he grew up. He was always humble, although I could tell he missed playing football.

I was shocked and saddened when Rob had a heart attack at age 56 on November 20, 2010, and passed away. I found out about his passing in an article in Sports Illustrated.

This summer, I received an email from Rob's son Kelly. He was writing a book about his relationship with his dad and wanted permission to use a photo of his dad and mom that I had used in "Prime Rib and Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station," a memoir I wrote about Victoria Station. Kelly and I started to correspond.

Kelly sent me an advance copy of the book. I was very moved that a son who was very busy with raising a family, and working, would set aside the time to accomplish such a feat. Kelly hints quite strongly that the concussions that Rob got from playing football, and the surgeries resulting from the injuries, and the pain killers,had much to do with Rob's early passing.

 He writes, "I have no medical degrees, but I have to imagine that a reliance on Vicodin, Lorcet, and Oxycodone contributed to Dad's premature death."

The book is personal and heart wrenching. I could hardly finish it the first time because I saw a different side of a man I knew who had a coy smile and subtle sense of humor and a love for people. I had no idea of the agony that Rob Lytle suffered playing football on the national stage.

In the book, there is a chapter titled "Love," where Kelly describes the different kinds of love he experienced with his family. His personal descriptions of "Love is" could apply to any of us who have suffered the loss of a loved parent, child, sibling, dear friend--anybody really. This sentence touched me, "Love is a husband and wife washing dishes, their hands reaching for dirty plates together in the same bubbly sink, after another family party on Christmas Eve."

My message this Christmas: Love those who are special to you; we never know what or when something will happen to them, or to us for that matter. I love you all. Thanks for being in my life.

Rob's book, "To Dad From Kelly," is available on Amazon.com, at Barnes and Noble, in paperback or electronic book form, or contact Kelly directly at Kelly.lytle@gmail.com  for a personal, autographed copy. He resides in Cleveland, Ohio.

                                     Kelly Lytle website

                               

                                   Book by Kelly Lytle

Be safe. Have a nice holiday. See you next week. 

Love is possible at 75

On Life and Love after 60 newsletter

by Thomas P. Blake  December 12, 2014

Finding love at 75 is possible

Singles ages 50 to 80 often say to me, "I'm too old to meet somebody." I don't like hearing those words because one is never too old as we hear about today.

This newsletter reaches Champs throughout the USA, Canada, and in many foreign countries. And from their emails, we are able to share stories of hope for singles of all ages wherever they live.

Zoe, Glastonbury, England, who hiked across Spain this year as you may recall, emailed: "The actress Dame Judi Dench turned 80 on December 9. When Michael Williams, her beloved husband of 30 years, died in 2001, it never occurred to her to think of another man in her life. 

"But fate, in the guise of a few red squirrels, changed that. A neighbor, David Mills, has established the British Wildlife Center. He invited Dame Judi to the opening of a new accommodation for his red squirrels. Their relationship started from there. She was 76 and he was 68.

"They are seen everywhere together but both lead busy lives and live in their separate homes. We aren't all Judi Dench, of course, but she met the right man by doing just what you, Tom, always recommend to older singles--moving outside the comfort zone, doing something new. I doubt that Dame Judi had opening a home for red squirrels on her agenda as a stage set for romance."

Another Champ, Carm, 75, a Jackson, Michigan, high school classmate of mine, spends six months each year living in Barra, Mexico, about four hours south of Puerto Vallarta. A year ago, a relationship he was involved in for several years ended.

Carmelo emailed, "I have a new (and last) girlfriend here in Barra. She's recently widowed but we've known each other for seven years. She has lived here for 14 years. She's originally from England but moved to Canada in her early 30s and has been in Mexico for 18 years. A year older than me and so fine. She has a house to sell, then we're off to Italy for a month. When we return, we'll be searching for a new town in Mexico in which to live, likely Oaxaca. I am very happy."

A third Champ, a widower, age 75, who did not want to be identified, described how he recently found love. He is into sketching and painting and attended an artist nature boot camp this fall. He met a widow his age there who enjoys similar outdoor artistic activities.

"We found, as two active, upbeat persons, that we had many common interests and views which lead to a strong attraction. We accept each other as we find each other now, not comparing our current relationship to what we had with our spouses."

And while they live 300 miles apart in different states, they are together most of the time by visiting each other's homes. He feels he has found the love of his life and says she feels the same way.

                    

             Be active and pursue the interests you enjoy

 Is 75 too old to find love? No, as the three couples described here today discovered. When people get out of the house and pursue outside interests, they dramatically improve their chances of finding romance. 

And as the singing group Pablo Cruise sang in the 1970s, "Love will find a way."   

Pablo Cruise Love Will Find A Way Live