Why I keep writing this newsletter

On Life and Love after 50 newsletter

 

By Tom P. Blake   October 16, 2015

Writing newspaper columns for 23 years and this newsletter for 15+ years has rewarded me with friendships and benefits I could  not visualize when I wrote my first article. The most recent example is the Facebook page.

We started the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page about four months ago at the request of a few Champs who wanted to be able to exchange photos and messages with each other. I thought maybe 100 or so would sign up. For me, two surprises came from starting the page.

First surprise: Approximately 445 people are currently on the page, a far cry from the anticipated 100. Most are newsletter Champs; some came from friend referrals and others found their way to us from the outside world. I see fresh, new names appearing each day as well.

Some bad apples have slipped through our FB security controls but you Champs are diligent and have helped by letting me know when someone is suspicious. For example, Jackie Laird, Linda Traylor, Joanne Popp, Janice Bowlin, Gail Metter Swain, Carolyn Cornelius, Zelda Quinn and Rosemarie Friese Kerr patrol our FB site like the California Highway Patrol polices the freeways, helping to keep us safe.

The second surprise has come from discovering the high quality of our newsletter Champs and Facebook members. If one scans the posts on the FB page, there are great topics being talked about by intelligent and experienced people. There is a wealth of information on the page coming from people all over the country, and from some foreign countries as well.

And new discussion threads are started by the FB members when they feel the need, without prompting by me, which I think is terrific.

For example, I love the subject that Gina Woodruff, Long Beach, California, has been sharing with us, about learning to venture out and travel on her own. This is a 50-year-old single woman making these trips. This takes “gumption” as FB member Sandra Lee so succinctly put it. And I think a lot of us are learning from Gina’s posts. Below are some snippets that Gina has written:

“A dating story: This past week I was in New York for an event for just three days and I had a date on my last day. I met a guy on Weds. night at Starbucks…” And then Gina described the date.
She also wrote: “I love train rides! I visited Boston and took the 4-hour journey by train to NY then from NY to Philadelphia. It was lovely!”

On another post, Gina said, “This past week, my second trip was to Vancouver, Canada. This was my first visit to Canada. I stayed at a hotel on Davie St. with an abundance of quaint restaurants, shops, coffee houses and bakeries. It was a beautiful walk to a park and ocean/harbor…” She went on to describe her Vancouver visit.

Gina also said, “…I am finding that great ways to practice initiating conversations with people are in taxis, elevators, subways, airports and coffee houses. I used to think it was hard meeting new people.

“What I have discovered is I was reading people all wrong. I would see someone and assume they were unfriendly and didn't want to be bothered. On my plane ride over the guy next to me in the middle seat…I am discovering that there are people everywhere...I just needed to look up and say something!”

Gina’s venturing out solo into the world reminds me of the wonderful story that Zoe, our Champ from England, shared with us last year when she walked the Camino de Santiago trail from France across Spain to the city of Santiago de Compostela--on her own with a pack on her back.

Gina added, “I believe the universe is showing me signs that I am getting closer to a relationship. Not him (a guy she had met) but someone.” And she said in a FB post to Christine Baumgartner, “I now believe that there is no shortage of good men.”

And speaking of Christine Baumgartner, we are blessed to have her as a newsletter Champ and a member of our Facebook group. She has years of relationship counseling and experience. She uses that experience to make very informed and astute observations that can be helpful to others. She also is a widow and knows how difficult that can be. She has talked openly and personally about losing her husband on the FB page as well.

On the touchy subject of sex (the subject one male Champ accused me of tiptoeing around), Christine said, “The first step is to figure out if you even want to have sex with him (usually a man won't take you out if he doesn't want to eventually have sex with you) so it's up to you to decide. What I've found is as you start to get to know each other better and you feel open to being more physical with him you can then start talking about what each of you want and like in a physical relationship…”

 Heck, you have to pay for that kind of advice if you go to see a therapist and here Christine is dispensing it from the goodness of her heart on our FB page.

By the way, I personally know Gina, Christine and Gail Metter Swain and they are three of the finest women you’ll ever meet. I have high respect for them and admire their tenacity.

And then we have great men contributing to the FB page: Gordon Grimm, John Johnson, Joel Blackwell, Art Schmall, Terry Johnson and Neils Andrews—just to name a few (I apologize if I left anybody out). These men are sharing their male points-of-view, which are hard to come by these days. Older guys are usually too reticent to speak up.

My point in all of this is to illustrate the wealth of information and people on our pages sharing stories and experiences from which we all can learn. It’s not the biggest group in the world but for the quality of individuals we can’t be beat. There are stories of hope, inspiration, frustration and loneliness.

Oh yes, we will have the occasional turkey chimes in and make some silly accusation or frustration about somebody else on the site, but we are all only human and sometimes say things we haven’t thought through. Let’s just keep that petty stuff to a minimum. Do not let someone’s negative attitude or comments drag you down. Kill ‘em with kindness as they say.

When you step back and think about belonging to this elite group, to which all of you Champs are a part, we are blessed. Where else can you find a group of friends, ages 50-90+, from such a diversity of locations and walks of life, who share such a common bond while aging together?

I am proud to be your conduit of information. And that is why I keep writing the newsletter.

More on chemistry and senior sex

On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter

Tom P. Blake    October 9, 2015

 More on chemistry and senior sex

Last week, a widower said his girlfriend of four months told him she felt no real chemistry. I asked for your opinions.

 

There were so many wise responses about chemistry and senior sex that I have tried to organize them into categories. Here are what the Champs said:

Move on

One man said, "If a woman tells you the chemistry is not there, it's time to saddle up and ride. I was in a brief relationship with an all-around great woman. One flaw is she had hang ups about her religious upbringing that made her a cold fish when it came to romance.

"We parted company a few years ago and we regularly text and email and have coffee. She's had quite a few three or four-date relationships since, but, they all end the same way. Men our age just aren't prone to wait around or deal with frigidity for very long. For certain, I'm not.

Mark, "Long ago, when I was in the shoes of the 72-year-old widower, someone much wise than me (you Tom) told me that the very first thing to look for in a partner is someone who likes you back. Everything else--appearance, age, money, intelligence--is secondary.

 "The woman he likes doesn't like him back. She already has plans on two future Saturday nights. My guess is she has met someone else. I strongly encourage this man to move on and avoid further pain."

Vicki added: "He should get her to express her fears and desires, listen to her, then if she doesn't come back around, move on. Too many women out there want a good man; he shouldn't waste time on one that doesn't.

Stop talking about your deceased spouse

Chris: "OK, you're getting this from an 81-year-old guy who has been around the horn many, many times. Advice to this newbie: She doesn't want to hear about how wonderful your wife was and how much you loved each other and how happy you were. That gets old really fast. This applies to women also.

"I don't care that she was talking the same way. What else was she going to talk about while you were going on about your marriage. All they want to know is that you didn't kill her and you are available. Keep the talk light. Get her laughing. How about a night out dancing? Make it fun being with you, not talking about dead people. You will be surprised how fast the chemistry will come when you do as I say. She will want to be with you because she likes being there."

Linda, "Honesty is a good thing but in this case talking about your respective spouses could put a cold front on anyone's horizon. I guess the timing isn't right."

Feelings can change

Joan, "I dated a man for a year with no chemistry between us. Then, for some reason, the chemistry button turned on and continued to last. Ultimately, we found we were not right for each other in other areas of our lives, but it was lovely while the senior sex and chemistry lasted.

Vicki, a widow (marriage 48 years), wrote that she met a man who escorted her and her friend to lots of events for months. Then, when she started dating him, she no longer felt chemistry. She backed out of the relationship.

He persisted, very patiently, very much a gentleman. No pressure. She dated another man but it didn't work out. Months later, the gentleman called and asked her out again. We took in slow and the chemistry fired up and we are exclusive now and planning our first cruise together. We are still deciding if we want to live together, or just date. Regardless, we want to be together.

Communication

Joan said, "He should ask her directly if she can define what chemistry means to her and if there is anything he could do to generate it. He may find out there is something simple he can do, or that her expectations are not realistic.

Another woman stated: "She said she feels no real chemistry, but she may mean something other than what she is speculating on. He needs to get that cleared up by asking.

I assure you! There is chemistry and senior sex in our later years!

Here's a guy in his early 70s, having to worry about stuff he had to worry about as a 20-year old. Yikes, dating for older singles is challenging.

How critical is chemistry in senior relationships?

On Life and Love after 50 newsletter

Tom P. Blake October 2, 2015

A widower needs advice. He wrote, "My question has to do with female chemistry.  My wife passed away suddenly two years ago. I was married for 50 years to the love of my life. I am 72.

"I met a lovely lady on Match.com and have been seeing her for four months. We both work so it is usually on the weekends when we get together. She was widowed  six years ago after a 37-year marriage to the love of her life. She is 65.

"We have an incredible number of things in common and wonder how we never met as we ran in the same circle of friends. I am the first man she has dated and she is the second woman I have dated. I liked the first woman I dated but we were from different worlds and we parted as friends after two months.

"The woman I am seeing now is terrific.  We talk a lot about our spouses, which seems to be the best "counseling" for both of us. We said from the beginning that we would be open and honest with each other.

"Now to that point of all of this: we are in no hurry to have sex but both seem to enjoy being together, holding hands, and cuddling very affectionately. Two weeks ago, after having dinner at my house and cuddling, she telephoned the next morning. She told me she was going to tell me this the night before but could not bring herself to do it, which is why she called.

"Her call was to tell me that she liked me and enjoyed my company and was not saying goodbye, but that she felt no real chemistry. This blew me away considering her behavior the night before. What do I do?

"Is there a magic bullet to light her chemistry or is there no real chemistry when you get to be so old?

"I really want to be with this lady but it is awkward knowing she doesn't feel the same way about me as I thought she did. I have always been a fighter for what I want and I want her in my life.

"Is female chemistry so different from men's? I don't know if what I feel is chemistry or just a strong longing. I think of chemistry of what I felt when I met my wife; maybe that was chemistry and lust. I was much younger then.

"Any suggestions would be better than anything I have come up with."

I responded: "I would not do anything different, at least for now. Enjoy her and see where it goes. It's good that you are attracted to her. You wouldn't be interested if you weren't attracted to her. There is no magic wand that you can wave.

"Yes, you want to be with her, but be a little less available and she might start to realize what she has in you, which might perk up her attraction for you. Just be cool about it and listen to what she has to say.

"I assure you! There is chemistry as you get older! Over time, if this lack of mutual attraction continues, it could become a deal breaker for you, then you will have to make a decision."

A week went by.  He had two more dates with her.  Her position didn't change. She told him that maybe her husband had treated her so well that she might never change.

He asked her to reserve Saturday nights as date night. But she had plans on two upcoming Saturdays.

I took a little stronger position in my second response. I said that at least she is being honest with him. He is the first man she has dated and perhaps she is simply proceeding cautiously. Or, maybe that spark just isn't there for her, which is what she said.

I said to him that a man of 72 has a strong chance of meeting a fine woman who would be attracted to him and perhaps he should spread his wings a bit. I would hate to see him wait around for her, only to find that she will never change and to have his heart broken again. Still see her but date around a bit; maybe check out Match.com again.

I think he is a little too available.  Plus, for a relationship to work, each person needs to make the other a top priority, and that includes from the chemistry standpoint as well.

I am curious what both women and men have to say here.

Romance scam stopped in its tracks

On life and love after 50 newsletter

 

Tom P. Blake  -  Sept 21, 2015

Three months ago, at the request of several Champs--who wanted to correspond and exchange photos and stories with other like-minded Champs--we started a Finding Love After 50 Facebook group.

It is a friendship group, not a dating group, but people might still meet a potential mate there and that is great if it happens.

I decided to make it what Facebook calls a "closed" group, where I must approve of all members who want to join. In that way, I can screen people by checking their profiles to attempt to keep scammers and people with bad intentions out of the group and hopefully to help protect our Champs. 

While the membership has grown to 450, I've rejected more than 43 people from joining and removed a few members who made inappropriate posts.

Last week, one of our Champs, who lives in South Africa, and who has read my newsletter for years, emailed: "A good looking man joined our group last week. He contacted me immediately; we email every day. He says he is working in England and when he finishes there next week, he wants to visit me in my country and for me to be his woman."

I remember approving him; his profile revealed a handsome guy originally from England, now residing in Oklahoma; his Facebook page showed nothing suspicious. Ostensibly, his name was Chris Cornforth.

Our Champ added, "My concern: why so quick? He says we could live a few years here and then relocate back to Germany, where I'm from, or Oklahoma. I asked him how old he is, if he's divorced, or has kids, and what he's doing, and he doesn't respond to those questions. I've very worried."

I told her to be very careful, anybody who tries to rush a relationship after one week has ulterior motives. That is a red flag. And anyone who professes love within a short period of time, is blowing smoke as well.

When she emailed him that she was uncomfortable, he responded, exactly like this (notice his grammar, er, should I say, lack thereof). She forwarded his email to me: "...I Like going to Beach,swim,Dance,Write Poem,Dinner,Hanging around with Friends and going to church..I have been married twice my first wife died from fibroid Complications...

"...I had to get out of retirement to quickly see what I can do to get back on my feet luckily for me I got a contract from a construction company in africa and i am currently importing 4,000 tonns of 16mm Steelrods that will go to Benin...This is my last Job as i am finally planning to settle down with a woman i want to grow old with live a life of happiness and love together. I hope you are ready to be spoilt beyond measures.."

After reading his email, I wrote to her: "For a guy whose first language is English, this email is filled with grammar, capitalization and spelling mistakes. It was not written by an English-speaking person. Benin is a country in Africa next to Nigeria. He is a scammer; cut him off immediately.

She responded the next morning: "You are right. Fifteen minutes ago he came online and said he was robbed of all of his possessions--wallet, credit card, jewelry, etc. Then he asked for $400 to lend him and he will fly back to the USA to get money and then come straight to South Africa to be with me." She blocked him from further contact.

This is a typical Nigerian romance scam trick; I'm in a jam, send me money, and I'll pay you back very soon.

Everything romance scammers post is bogus. They search online (and not just on our Facebook page, but everywhere) for vulnerable people and try to exploit them. I removed him from our Finding Love After 50 Facebook group, grateful for our Champ's diligence, and certain that we had stopped a romance scammer. So even though I checked his profile, he still slipped through the fence and into our group.

When I posted this incident to the Facebook page, several of our women Champs said he tried to befriend them in that first week as well.

And while email, websites, and social media are wonderful and useful tools, we must realize that anyone can be anyone hidden behind the mask of communication. Stay diligent everybody, and email me the minute you see anything suspicious.  

Widow Gets Lied To. Lessons learned

On Life and Love after 50 newsletter

 Tom P. Blake

I mentioned last week that there are two sides to every story. Today's story is an example of where I only have one side and that's how it's going to be. When you finish reading it, I think you will understand. There's no way I want to track down the married guy mentioned in it and get his side on why he allegedly cheated.

We call the woman in today's story the widow, to protect her privacy and to honor her request to not use her true name. 

The widow wrote, "I read with interest the story of the woman whose match.com boyfriend had a backup plan." She felt compelled to share a story that happened to her.

She said: "Last November, I joined the SeniorsMeet.com and OKCupid dating sites. My husband of 39 years had died seven months prior and I felt I was 'ready' to look for a new relationship. My loneliness blinded me!

"I met a charming retired teacher who said he was divorced. We hit it off right away and began what I thought was a delightful romance. He said he was in the process of selling a second home 400 miles north so he was gone one to two weeks of each month. But he called me almost every day when he was away and we were very connected.

"We did a lot of things together and had laughs and great times together when he was here--the beach, movies, dinners and lunches out, shopping, it felt like I was a couple again. In February, (about three months after they met) I began seeing red flags. Inconsistent stories that indicated he was lying to me. When I would confront him about these stories, he 'didn't want to talk about them.' 

"In April, I overheard him say on the phone, 'I love you sweetheart.' The very thing he said to me! I confronted him and he confessed he was married. He had lied to me all along. I was such a fool for trusting him and getting so involved with him so quickly.

"I think his plan was to charm me and have me fall for him and so when I would find out he was married, I'd continue on as his secret girlfriend once his wife had moved down here to their new home.

"I was heart-broken and it took me a few months to heal from this trauma. I was already vulnerable from losing my husband so this deception felt horrible.

"A wise widow friend said I should think of the time invested in that relationship as 'tuition' because I learned a lot and won't make the mistake of getting involved so quickly again. My advice to women is to take it slow and be careful with your heart until trust is certain."

Let's stop right there for now. What lessons can we take away from the widow's story? As she pointed out:

- Loneliness causes us to make bad choices. Sharing with someone beats being lonely, but only if there isn't a price to pay

- Don't get involved too quickly

- Establish trust

- When red flags surface, immediately get them resolved or leave

- Her friend was right, consider the experience as tuition paid. We learn by our mistakes, and we've all made them in relationships

- At least she didn't get taken for money; that would have been even worse

The widow ended her email by saying:

"I know I'll never find another man like my husband. I'll never love another man the way I loved him and no man will ever love me the way my husband did.

"You cannot replace a person. I'm not trying to do that. I just want to matter to someone who matters to me. Someone who thinks I'm special. Someone I can laugh with and do things with. Someone I can count on and he can count on me. 

"I'm particular about men and most men my age have issues. I am far from perfect and I have issues too. Maybe it's a matter of what issues can people my age tolerate in one another and what issues can they not? But honesty is the basis."

And that is what all of us strive for: To matter to someone who matters to us. As Neil Diamond sang in the song, "Dry Your Eyes," from the album Beautiful Noise (1976). One of the most beautiful and captivating songs I've ever heard.

And then march forward, which the widow has done nicely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S8o_r4KGQw

The Johnny Cash I Knew. A Kind and Caring Man

On Life and Love After 50 newsletter

Tom P. Blake September 11, 2015

The Johnny Cash I Knew. A Kind and Caring Man

Before I retired on January 30, retired people often told me: "You will wonder where the time goes and be busier than ever."

I suspected they were right. I had been building a bucket list over the years and it had several items on it. The top item: travel with my partner Greta as much as we can while our health permits. In April and May, we took a nice trip to Europe.

Second item on the list: exercise. Stand Up Paddle Boarding (SUP) at Baby Beach in Dana Point Harbor fulfills that goal 3-4 times per week.

Other items: continue writing this column, and then there was preparation for the fantasy football season, which kicks off this week. 

One item had been on the original bucket list since 2005, the year the movie Walk The Line--the portrayal of Johnny Cash's life--was released. I had a problem with the movie; I felt the portrayal of Johnny was way too negative.

Why did that concern me? I knew Johnny Cash and worked with him for two years in the mid-1970s when I was the marketing director for the Victoria Station restaurant chain. I had hired Johnny to do our radio commercials and got to know him well. He was one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.

That 10-year bucket list item: Write a book that would reveal the kind and caring side of Johnny Cash that I had witnessed first-hand. I simply wanted to set the record straight. Before retiring, I didn't have time to finish it.

Finally, 10 years later, over this summer, I wrote the book. Last week, I put the full-court press on finishing it. If you don't do it that way with a book, you'll never get it done. On Friday, I uploaded the finished book to one of the largest online Ebook bookstores in the world, Smashwords.com.

The title: "The Johnny Cash I Knew. A Kind and Caring Man." Most of the 17 pictures were taken 40 years ago with my old Kodak camera and there are many examples of Johnny's kindness in the book.

 



 



To read more about this book, or to purchase it as an ebook on Smashwords.com, follow the link

Tom's Johnny Cash book on www.smashwords.com

The most unique experience with Johnny: Going into San Quentin Prison with him for a concert.

Many older people tell me they want to write a book, to leave a legacy for their families. Ebooks are a great way to accomplish that goal without much cost, and, after they are published, they can be updated and changed. I invite readers to contact me if they have questions about ebook publishing.

So, with the book published, it's time to turn to other bucket list items, but which ones? Therein lies the challenge of retirement: which activity to tackle next? Those retirees who said "You'll be busier than ever" were right.

Maybe I'll open a restaurant. Nope, already done that one for 26 years. It's probably time for another trip with Greta.

Boyfriend's "backup plan" leads to mistrust

On Life and Love newsletter

by: Tom P. Blake September 4, 2015

 

On May 30, 2015, a woman Champ unsubscribed from the newsletter. People unsubscribe from time-to-time for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, they just inadvertently do it and may not be aware they did it until they realize in a couple or three weeks that they aren't receiving it anymore.

Other times people consciously unsubscribe because their health fails, or they don't like what I write, or their lives have changed. The latter was the situation with the Champ who unsubscribed on May 30. She had met a guy, and felt she didn't need the newsletter anymore.

I used to send an email to people who unsubscribed to try to learn why they left, thinking perhaps I could improve the newsletter to reel them back in. Usually they didn't respond so I just let it go. I did not email her to ask why she left, wasn't even aware she was gone.

And while I don't like to lose subscribers, I get it that people's situations change and it's inevitable that sometimes people are going to move on.

So, how did I find out about her meeting a guy?

Damndest thing. I was informed on Monday by Pay Pal that I had sold what I thought was a book via my Finding Love After 60 website bookstore. But, the sales receipt was for $16.95, and of the 4 printed and 6 ebooks on that website, none has that price. Plus the sales receipt didn't identify which book had been sold. I needed to know so I could ship it to her. Hence, I contacted Pay Pal and they were as puzzled as I. But the buyer's email address was listed so I contacted her. 

She told me she was the one who had unsubscribed on May 30 but now she wanted to re-subscribe and had purchased a subscription to this newsletter on my older website, Finding Love After 50. I was amazed because I have not charged for the newsletter for at least 5-6 years. But, apparently that particular page on that website wasn't updated to reflect the no-charge status and that is where she ordered from.

"Why did you come back?" I asked.

She explained, "I unsubscribed because I thought I had found 'the one.' (Met him on Match.com). We started dating in September, 2014, and became exclusive after two months. We had a year of a wonderful, committed, exclusive relationship." (The kind we all strive for).

The rest of her story: When she and her boyfriend had become exclusive in November, she noticed--a week after she had removed her Match profile--that his profile was there. Because of that, she instigated a serious talk with him.

She said, "After much discussion and his panicked apologies, he asked for another chance and I gave it to him since our relationship was so new. He promised I could always check on him and he would never, ever, ever be on the site again unless we broke up. I trusted him and had not even thought about it again."  

Fast forward to August, 2015. 

She said, "From my perspective, he was on his second chance and he blew it big time. I just discovered he was still very active on Match. How did I find out? He handed me his pc to check some air fares for our travel, and the Match icon showed up as a recent website visited on the Google homepage. Much to my surprise he was setting up meetings with several women. He said it was his 'backup plan' and just made him feel good to have a great woman and yet lots of other women who still wanted him in case I ever left.

"I think he sabotaged the relationship because he is too smart to have accidentally forgotten Match was right on the front page. I have heard a similar story from several of my friends. I wonder sometimes if this new world of internet dating makes it too hard to resist compulsive, continued interaction and attention-seeking from the opposite sex for some individuals.

"I suspect there are some people who get 'addicted' to the high of new people approaching them. It's so, so, easy to initiate contact. Like overeating or drinking too much, internet dating becomes the drug of choice, seems like unlimited resources available in one click. I know some people are healthier than this. I hope I find mine some day.

She ended her email with: "He has started counseling, maybe he will find out more about himself. But I am done. Not my problem. Now just to mend my broken heart and be grateful I found out now rather than later. But I'm very, very sad. Back to the market and finding my own joy." 

This is a tough story because our Champ trusted her new man and had every reason to believe that he was the one. Yes, perhaps she should have watched that early-on red flag when she found out he was still on Match.com when he should have been off. Let's hope her broken heart mends soon. I tried to make her feel a little better by reminding her that the $16.95 is being refunded, since the newsletter is now free.  Little consolation, I realize.

A minor take-away from today's story: When you are in a relationship or even a marriage, and you've enjoyed and benefitted from belonging to a group, club, gym, newsletter, or Facebook page, whatever, think twice before opting out because you're now a couple (unless it is an online dating service or a nudist camp), and you feel you don't need to be there anymore. It is important to keep your interests, friends, and learning ongoing, even when you have a new special someone in your life.

Our Champ is back receiving the newsletter, a little worse for wear, but aimed in the right direction.